


You Are A Masterpiece

by howdoimakemyotpcanon



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, kuinaki sentaku, no regrets - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Artist AU, Artist!Levi, Child Neglect, Embarrassed Eren Yeager, Eren Jaeger - Freeform, Gay, Grisha Yeager's Bad Parenting, High School, High School Student Eren Yeager, High School Student Levi, Insecurity, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Model!Eren, Modeling, POV Eren Yeager, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Shy Eren Yeager, Slash, Tsundere Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), broken!eren, broken!levi, damaged!eren, damaged!levi, dead isabel and farlan, drunk!levi, ereri, insecure, insecure!Eren, kuudere levi, new kid eren, riren - Freeform, rivaere - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 43,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdoimakemyotpcanon/pseuds/howdoimakemyotpcanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a mix up between the enrollment sheets, insecure and awkward Eren accidentally signs up to be a sketch model for the high school art club.  And what's worse, the club's vice president may be the coolest and hottest bastard Eren's ever seen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sign Ups and Fuck Ups

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Thank you so much for even bothering to read this, it's my very first fic I'm posting on AO3. Originally I planed for this to be a one-shot, but I realized the story wasn't quite finished with me yet. Any critiques, comments, kudos, whatever: they're all appreciated. Enjoy!

        Eren trudged down the crowded hallway, his brown hair falling in his eyes and his tall frame slumped.  Shoulders slammed none too gently into his own, and he ignored it.  It was nothing new.  He continued on, trying his best to pick his way through the throng of students, all bustling to get to the club sign up lists.  

        With a heavy sigh and a mumbled apology, Eren sidestepped in front of Sasha from his history class. He positioned himself in front of a table filled with sheets for school clubs, with everything from the volleyball team to the school spirit squad.

        “I can’t believe you have to be in a club to pass the year.” Eren muttered to himself, his thick eyebrows furrowing.  

        A familiar voice sounded from his elbow.  “Why not make the most of it and pick something you might enjoy?” Armin grinned at him, blond hair tucked hastily behind one ear and his messenger bag askew.

        “Easy for you to say!  All you have to do is sign up for the book club.” Eren gestured towards the table, growing more and more impatient by the moment.  

        School had never come easy to him, and he didn’t know many people since he just transferred.  The only friends he had were Armin and his adopted sister Mikasa.  Being the new kid, a sophomore nonetheless, sucked hardcore.  The sad truth was, Eren was used to it.

        “Well, you like drawing, don’t you?  And you’re good at it, too.  There’s still a couple spots left open for the art club!” Armin suggested.

        Eren flushed slightly.  “I don’t draw that much, all I do is doodle.  I’d look like an idiot in an actual art club.”

        “Give yourself some credit.  Besides, you have to sign up for something.  Good luck.” Armin waved and headed off into the crowd.

         Squaring his shoulders and nodding to himself, Eren started to search for the art club sign up sheet.  Armin was right, as usual.  He should just pick something he liked, at least that way it wouldn’t be totally unbearable, right?  Just as he was reaching for a pen to write his name, his tan hand knocked into someone else’s cool fingers.  They were pale and slender fingers, making his own look like a toddler’s chubby fist in comparison.  But that was nothing compared to the person they were attached to.  Eren’s eyes grew wider, and mentally he berated himself for staring so much.  He reminded himself not to drool like the idiot he was.  

        A boy stood there, but 'boy’ seemed too vague a definition, too plain and boring for the likes of this piece of art.  A plaid shirt buttoned up to his throat hugged porcelain skin, his legs clad in dark denim, rolled to show his ankles.  Thin, black eyebrows hovered above deep set, narrow eyes that sparked like silver fire.  To top it off was hair darker than night, cut in a casual and cool undercut style.

        “Can I sign, or is there a problem here?” His eyebrows raised and his voice was sharper than an exacto knife.  It made Eren take an actual step back, even though this guy was just tall enough for the top of his head to reach Eren’s nose.

        “Uh, n-no, go ahead.” He stammered out, avoiding eye contact.  He wanted to melt in the floor into a pile of Eren-goo, or better yet, melt out of existence.  Why did he have to be such an awkward piece of shit?

        The mystery boy took the pen in his hands again with a kind of familiarity that was hard to ignore.  He signed his name with a speedy flick of the wrist and left without so much as a glance.

        After the boy’s departure, Eren snatched the pen up from the table and grabbed a sheet of paper.  He jotted his name down in a messy scribble that he hoped was legible.  Art club Friday?  Count him in.

* * *

        Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday rolled by at a stagnant pace.  It didn’t matter.  By the time the big day finally came, Eren's nerves were wound tight.  He didn’t know if he would even be able to hold a pencil, much less concentrate on his schoolwork.  Nonetheless, he sat through all his classes.  He ate lunch with Armin and Mikasa.  When the dismissal bell rang and they asked where he was going, he scuffed his shoes with a shrug. He told them art club, trying to be nonchalant as possible.

        The art room wasn’t small.  It had big glass windows that someone had propped open, letting in not only the sun but a crisp breeze.  The room was filled to the bursting with people seated in chairs and easels propped in front of them.  They were all positioned in a circle around a center table and empty chair.  Before Eren could ponder over the curious set up, someone tapped him on the shoulder, making him jump.

        “Hi!  Sorry if I startled you, I’m the president of the art club.  My name is Hange, it’s nice to meet you!” Hange’s voice was loud and the energy around them was palpable.  Still, their smile seemed genuine and they shook Eren’s hand warmly, their glasses sliding down her nose and their ponytail swishing.

        “I’m Eren Jaeger, it’s nice to meet you too.” He said.

        “Oh, so you’re Eren.  Good, that means we’ll be able to get started!” They fixed her glasses and grinned in a way that made the hairs on the back of Eren’s neck stand up on end.

        He pulled at the threads on the cuffs on his old green sweater, a nervous habit he couldn’t seem to break.  “What do you mean by that?”

        “Well, you’re the guy who signed up to be our sketch model!  We’re happy to have you here.  Just hop in the middle and we’ll get things rolling!” She took his hands and started to lead him towards the table and chair in the center.

        Eren dug his heels into the floor and tried to squirm away as a panic settled onto him like an itchy second skin.   “What the hell are you talking about?  I didn’t sign up to be a sketch model!” Even as he said it, he felt his stomach sink into his shoes.  He had a vague memory of signing up in a burst of enthusiasm and- _holy fuck he had grabbed the wrong sheet._

        “Don’t worry, you’ll do fine,” Hange said.  His pleas seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.  “People will ask you to pose a certain way, you do it, and they draw you!  No big deal.  Good luck!” And with that, they shoved him into the middle of the room, where all eyes fell on him.  Shit.

        There was no running away at this point, since everyone was staring at him.  Before the silence had the chance to get awkward, the door to the art room slammed open.  A surly looking guy stormed into the room, swearing like a sailor.  He stopped when he realized how quiet it was and that the room was full.  It was the gorgeous boy from the sign ups!  “Hey, shitty glasses.  You starting without me or something?” He said to Hange.

        “Everyone!  This is the vice president of the art club, Levi.  He’s a senior like myself, and I know he looks grumpy, but if you have any questions just come and ask either of us!” They clapped their hands together.

        Levi scowled.  “Tch.” He plopped himself in the chair right in front of Eren.  He was wearing black skinny jeans and a white long sleeve spanned across his broad shoulders.  He gathered up his pencils, adjusted his easel, and took a sip from his cup.  Eren couldn't help but notice the way his fingers held the rim of the disposable paper cup instead of the sides.  “Get to it, brats.”

        “Does anyone have any pose requests?” Hange asked.

        A blonde girl raised her hand.  “Could you sit cross legged on the floor and look to the right, please?” She asked in a small, polite voice.

        Not trusting his voice enough to speak, Eren nodded and lowered himself to the floor on shaky legs.  He turned his head to the right, just like the girl asked.

        “Great, could you put your hands in your lap?  Thanks.” Her big blue eyes traced his outline.  He tried to stay as still as he could and concentrated on the sound of pencils scratching against paper.  

        Eren knew he wasn’t good looking.  He knew, it was the first thing in his thoughts every morning in his bathroom and the last thing on his mind before he fell asleep each night.  He hated it, because it made him feel vain and shallow.  But how could he be happy with this long, gangly looking body?  He wasn’t in shape, somehow feeling too skinny but his stomach wasn’t flat either.  His hair was unkempt and never laid flat, his eyes felt too big for his face and definitely didn’t fit with his thick eyebrows.  Before she had… Passed, even his mom had always called them little caterpillars.  

        Usually, he could sweep the feelings under the rug.  He had math homework to do, weekends to spend with Armin and Mikasa, even things to draw in the privacy of his bedroom.  Now, underneath the intense and watchful gaze of all his fellow classmates, he felt like he was going to implode.  Their eyes seemed to burn through his skin, and he tried to hide inside his sweater.  His fingers plucked at his cuffs to a faster rhythm, a blazing tattoo until he thought there wouldn’t be any threads left.  His eyes were blurry and he blinked away tears.  No.  He refused to cry over something so stupid.  He tried to picture the most peaceful place he could think of, the beach.  Her place.   _No.  No, no, no, no, n-_

        “Brat.  Sit on the chair.”  Levi’s voice yanked Eren out of his own head.  The guy shifted from a bored slump to sitting at attention, fingers gripping a well worn pencil and tapping it on his leg.  He jerked his chin towards the chair.

        Before he knew it, Eren was scrambling to his feet.  He tripped over his own long legs and stumbled; a marionette with a clumsy puppeteer.  He had just hit his growth spurt and his body seemed to be at ends with itself.  He took a steadying breath and tried his best to sit down with grace.

        “No, not like that.  Turn the chair around, wrap your legs around it.” Levi snapped and leaned forwards, perched on the edge of his seat.  He was a jaguar poised to pounce.

        Eren did as he was told, unsure if his shortness of breath was due to anxiety or trepidation.  His legs felt awkward wrapped around the chair, while his chest rested uncomfortably against the backrest.  A dark red flush coated his cheeks as all eyes were once again on him.  But according to the expression on the senior’s face, he had it right.

        “Yes, perfect.  Now fold your arms on top of the chair and rest your chin right there.  Just like that.” Levi’s voice was quiet and kind of rough, and his pencil started sliding gently over the paper.

        Due to his pose, Eren had no choice but to stare directly at Levi, but it wasn’t like he was complaining.  Just the act of him drawing, making something out of nothing, was a work of art all in itself.  He used his entire body in the process, shifting weight from side to side in his seat, pivoting toes on the tile floor, arms and shoulders moving in rhythm with his hands.

        His forehead seemed to have a permanent wrinkle from scowling at his paper with such intensity.  Eren suspected it was because he wasn’t pleased with the model he was drawing, which he could understand.  Even as he thought it, the corners of Levi’s mouth turned down into a deeper frown.  He knitted his lip harshly between his teeth.  

        Every once in a while, silver eyes would flicker upwards,  lock onto some part of him and soak him in this metallic fire.  Intense and relentless, it’s flames traced every part of him and he felt like he was burning up.

        Eventually, the pencil stopped moving so frantically and then it stopped moving altogether.  Levi looked back at Eren one last time, nodded, then slid back into his seat and crossed one of his legs over his knee.  He had finished.

        “Well, since that one took longer than expected, we’re done for the day.  We don’t want to tire you out too much Eren!  Thanks for being our sketch model.” Hange jumped up from her seat and ruffled his hair affectionately.

        “It was nothing, really.” He croaked.  His throat felt dry, and he glanced at his wrist to check the time.  They had been working for almost an hour!  It couldn’t be so late already, but there it was, right on the face of his watch.  He got up from his chair and started to stretch out his stiff muscles.  Everyone began filing out of the room and gave him a couple thanks and well wishes that he brushed off as politeness.   

        “Oi.  Can you come back sometime?” The senior stood up and crossed his arms.  His tone didn’t seem to leave much room for discussion.

        “Y-yeah, I mean if you want.” Eren shrugged and scratched the back of his head, even though internally he was screaming.  Why would he put himself through such hell again?

        Levi nodded.  “See you around, then.” He tossed his cup in the garbage can, grabbed his drawings, and headed out the door.

        As soon as he was alone, Eren’s legs finally betrayed him.  They finally gave out like horses whipped too hard in the sun.  He let himself sink down to the floor without a fight, and the cold tile was soothing on his burning skin.  He imagined he was sinking into it and no one could see him.   When the tears came, as they always did, he gave himself up to them like an old friend.  In blessed solitude, he let himself cry into his hands.

        Leaning against the door outside, Levi let his head rest against the wood.  Soft sobs blossomed in his ears, and he squeezed his eyes closed as if it would shut them out.  He didn’t want to stay, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave either.  Not until the crying stopped.


	2. Sketchbooks and Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I really can't believe the response this fic has gotten, and I'm only posting the second chapter! Thank you so much for all the wonderful and supporting comments, it means a lot to me. I'll be updating every Monday morning, cross my heart.

        “So is that the senior?” Mikasa asked as they were eating their lunch a few days after the incident.

        Eren’s spoonful of rice lodged in his throat and he coughed.  “M-Mikasa!  Be quiet, or someone will hear you.”

        She shrugged.  “Is that him or not?” She flat-out pointed her spoon across the cafeteria at the person in question.

        “It’s not polite to point,” Armin swatted her spoon down and leaned in conspiratorially.  “So?  Is it him?” He asked in a not-so-quiet whisper.

        Eren laid his head on the table with a muted thump.  “I should have never told you guys,” He groaned.  After art club Friday, the two had bombarded him with questions.  Well, Armin was the bombarding one, Mikasa was more like a sharp-shooter.  He lifted his head up a couple inches to peer past his forearms.  “Yeah, that’s him.  Shit, Mikasa, don’t go waving your spoon around at that guy.  He seems like a real bastard.”

        Mikasa rolled her eyes and adjusted the crimson scarf she always wore around her neck.  “I’ll wave my spoon at anyone I want.”

        “If he’s such a… Well, you know, then why do you like him?” Armin asked, the picture of innocence.  He couldn’t even bring himself to swear for god’s sake.

        “I dont like him!” Eren cried.  “He’s just- well, he’s just hot.  That’s it!” He brought himself back up onto his elbows and look at Levi across the cafeteria.  He was wearing an oversized sweater and pants that were so tight he wasn’t quite sure if they were jeans or leggings.  For not the first time since he saw Levi, he thanked whatever divine powers he could think of that the school had a lax dress code.  “He’s really hot.  And stylish.  And passionate.” He remembered back to the look on Levi’s face when drawing.  

        “You totally like him.” Armin grinned from ear to ear.

        “Shut up Armin.” Eren said above the class bell, and the trio exited the cafeteria together.  Everyone headed to their classes, and as Eren was walking in the hallway, a sketchpad dropped in front of his feet.  He looked up in surprise to see Levi’s retreating back.  He blinked to make sure, but yeah, it was him.  There was no mistaking that shortie.

        After a moment of hesitation, he snatched up the sketchpad.  He somehow managed to avoid having his fingers stepped on.  But by the time he had straightened up, the artist had disappeared into the thickening sea of students.  Another pause.  What should he do?  With a pang of guilt and one last glance to make sure Levi wasn’t right there, Eren put the misplaced drawings into his backpack.  He could return them tomorrow.

        “What is it, Eren?’

        “It’s nothing.  See you guys after last class.”

* * *

 

        Eren didn’t say much on the walk home, but neither Armin nor Mikasa seemed to notice.  They were both talking about a history project they had paired up for that was due next month.  It didn’t matter much, because Armin lived only a few blocks away so by the time Eren and Mikasa got home the silence hadn’t become stiff.  After a quick hello to his father and some kind of excuse about homework, he dashed down the hallway to his bedroom.  Each falling footstep felt heavier with guilt than the last.

        Sitting on his bed, he unzipped his school bag and pulled out the sketchbook with cautious hands.  He knew he should’ve returned it the moment he found it.  He knew he should’ve grabbed it without hesitation, ran to catch up with Levi, and handed it back right then.  Yet instead, he had to be creepy and keep it.  What the hell was wrong with him?

        He also was well aware of the fact he shouldn’t open the sketchbook.  Now, it wasn’t like there was a message scrawled the front.  No words threatening him with many horrible tortures should he peek inside.  There was simply a vibe about the entire thing that it was private.  He had almost convinced himself to forget about the whole thing when a small thought popped into his head.  A weed with roots so strong that you couldn’t pull out.

        What if there were drawings of Eren inside?  It was an honest thought to have, Levi had drawn him a couple days prior.  The logical assumption would be that said drawings were inside the sketchbook.  The private, half stolen sketchbook belonging to an asshole that Eren had a weird kind of crush on.

        So, with a particularly strong wave of self-loathing, he opened the cover before he could gather the willpower to put it down.  And what he saw inside took his breath away.

        A forest, filled with trees wider around than a subway car.  Branches overlapped one another, weaving and intertwining like spider webs.  They reached upwards so high that it looked like the sun would set them alight any moment.

        Ragged wings grew out of someone’s back.  Their skin was bare and scarred, but they stood tall and proud.  One hand rested on their chest and the other was behind their back in a kind of salute to a forgotten time.

        Eren gazed in awe at each pencil stroke that overwhelmed with the emotions present in each piece.  Some lines were confident and strong, belting out their message with no regard for who may be looking.  Others were softer and more curved.  They whispered sweet lullabies in the black and white pages, hiding their faces.

        Finally he reached the back of the sketchbook, where the last two drawings awaited.  He was surprised to see they were in pen, and let his eyes roam over them, guzzling every last detail.

        A boy stared back at him, fluffy hair and clever eyes both spoke of the same mischief.  He had a slight smirk on his face captured in black ink, and a neat signature called him “Farlan Church.”  He was handsome in the kind of way that a rough-and-tumble hero in the movies was handsome.  He looked vaguely familiar for some reason, an itch in Eren’s mind that he couldn’t scratch.

        The next drawing was the one that made Eren  think.  It was a smiling girl, and hell, was she smiling.  Her grin reached from ear to ear and showed off every pearly tooth.  She was young, it was easy to tell because her face still had a bit of childish roundness to it.  Choppy hair was pulled into short pigtails on either side of her face.  But the thing that was the most captivating was her eyes.  Big and full of simple wonder, they looked like seafoam on ocean waves.  A smudged name in the corner said “Isabel Magnolia.”

        Eren once again had the feeling of knowing the two from somewhere, but it couldn’t be right.  He knew he would remember meeting people who looked so… Alive.

* * *

 

        The next day at school, Eren patted his backpack with his hand for the hundredth time to make sure the sketchbook was still there.  It hadn’t revealed any drawings of him, but it had certainly been an eye opener.  He idly wondered to himself again who Farlan and Isabel were.  They were the only ones in permanent ink, and were by far the best drawings that he saw.  The detail was so incredible, he suspected that Levi must know them in real life.

        “Oi, shit-for-brains.  Over here.” Speak of the devil.  The senior spotted him from across the hall and waved him over, mastering a look of impatience and boredom all at once.

        “L-Levi!  I was looking for you.” Eren said and wished he hadn’t.  

        Levi only raised his eyebrows, not bothering to speak.  He looked a little worse for wear.  His hair was mussed, his face was pallid and there were dark smudges underneath his eyes.  Pair that with an all black ensemble, it looked like the night sky had wrapped itself around him and refused to let go.

        “I think you dropped this yesterday in the hall.  I found it on the floor, but, well, I couldn’t find you.  Sorry.” Eren laughed nervously and dug the sketchbook out of his bag.  He bowed and offered it out to Levi in his palms, which he realized were starting to sweat.  Shit.

        Cool skin brushed against his own and he looked up to see Levi holding the collection of artwork in his hands.  “Hoh?  Thanks.  I couldn’t find it last night and- Ah, forget it.” He interrupted himself with a shake of his head.  He put them in his own bag, taking care to make sure the zipper was done up all the way this time.

        Eren straightened up awkwardly.  “It’s no problem, anyone would’ve-” He stopped himself as he caught a glimpse of something.  He found himself staring at a section of skin exposed by Levi’s v neck sweater.  Just peeking out was a ridge of puckered and discoloured skin, a scar.

        The senior cleared his throat, making Eren jump.  “You like tea?” He asked in a gruff tone.

        “Tea?  It’s alright, I guess.” Eren shrugged, slightly confused.  Why was he bringing up tea all of a sudden?

        “Or coffee.  Whatever.  I’m treating you to a cup this weekend.” Levi stated without so much as blinking.  This guy had no shame whatsoever.

        “What?  No, you don’t have to do that-” The younger waved his hands in a dismissive gesture, but the other cut him off.

        “Look.  A senior’s inviting you for a cup of coffee as a nice gesture, brat.  Now, are you coming or not?” Levi’s tone darkened a bit and he crossed his arms, drawing himself up taller.  

        Eren felt his planned words die in his throat, and the next thing he knew, it seemed like Levi was the taller of the two.  He felt bigger at least, his cold presence seeming to take up the entire hallway.  “Ah, yes?” Uncertainty coloured his voice.

        “There’s a joint a couple blocks away.  See you there.  Noon on Saturday.” Levi gave him one last look that Eren had trouble holding, and stalked off to his next class.  

        Eren released a pent up breath with a shaky sigh.  He swore when he realized the bastard hadn’t even given him directions.

 


	3. Clothes and Cafés

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a challenge, but fun to write. I really hope you like it! Please, some feedback would really let me know if I'm heading in the right direction, the support I've gotten thus far has been absolutely incredible <3

        “Eren, what are you doing up so early?” Mikasa’s voice floated through his door Saturday morning, accompanied by a sharp knock.  She didn’t bother to wait for a response and walked in.  “It’s nine o’clock, isn’t your date at noon?”

        “It’s not a date.  And I’m just getting ready early, that’s all.  Does this shirt look good?” Eren turned away from his mirror and gestured to the white shirt he was wearing.

        “Yeah, it’s fine.” Mikasa said with a shrug.

        “Wait, no, what if I spill something on it?  Damn it, not a chance I can wear it now.” He sighed and ran his hands through his already messy hair.  

        “Well, don’t wear it.  Don’t worry, Eren.  It’ll be fine no matter what you wear.” His sister stated firmly.  She laid a hand on his shoulder, then left him to his crisis again.

        He tore off the white shirt and tried another.  The long sleeve hugged him tightly and showed how little muscle he had.  He looked painful and angled.  That was out.  The next swallowed him up and billowed around his thighs.  Where the hell did that one even come from?  Why did he even own that?  

       Too big, too small.  Ugly colour.  Made his arms look like twigs and his legs too long.  Fuck, right, he needed a pair of jeans.  No, not those, they were baggy and ripped.  Not those either, they were tight and made his tummy puff out.   

       Eren shed his shirt and jeans with violent ripping motions, probably tearing a seam or two.  He sat down on the edge of his bed in his boxers and pummelled a pillow in frustration.  He gave himself a punch in the thigh for good measure, too.  Hard enough to leave a bruise, he suspected.  He knew from experience.  

       He tried to breathe, imagining his lungs were waves crashing into the coastline.  Behind closed eyes he pictured sunlight shimmering on the cerulean water, and he could have sworn he felt sand wriggling between his toes.  With difficulty, Eren swallowed the burning lump in his throat.  He couldn’t go naked, he needed to wear something.  Finally, Eren decided on a simple teal t shirt and plain, straight leg jeans.  There.  Nothing too flashy, nothing too anything.

       After flattening his hair the best he could and brushing his teeth long enough to make his gums sore, he slipped into the kitchen, trying to go unnoticed.  He didn’t want to tell his dad where he was going.  Although, the more he thought about it, the more he figured his dad wouldn’t bother to ask in the first place.  Especially since Eren walked right into the man when he rounded the corner.

        “Ah.  Eren.” His dad looked him up and down a couple times.  His eyes gave nothing away, and his face didn’t show any hints either.

       “H-hey Dad.” Eren gave a wave he hoped could pass as jaunty.

        His father just continued to examine him, all business.  Without so much as another word or even a nod, he walked back to his bedroom, his slippers shuffling on the floor the whole way.

        Eren stood stock still and blinked.  Not even a word?  Was something wrong?  He was about to dart back to his room, but the clock face on the wall told him if he didn’t leave now he would be late for his… Not date.  It wasn’t exactly what one would call a ‘friendly’ cup of coffee either; Levi was anything but friendly.  He shook his head to clear his thoughts, and walked out the door.  He didn’t even have time for breakfast.

* * *

 

        Thanks to the internet, Eren was able to find directions to the only nearby coffee shop.  It verged on a mile of a walk, so by the time he arrived inside his cheeks and nose were whipped red by the north eastern wind.  He rubbed his hands together to get the blood flowing and let his eyes drift around.  It was a nice place, he thought, with lots of chalk board menus on the wall and mismatched plush furniture.  Indie rock played over a set of speakers somewhere.

        Sure enough, Levi was waiting at a table tucked in the corner.  It didn’t surprise Eren, somehow he had the feeling the senior was the punctual type.  He was tapping his fingers on the table and staring at the wall ahead of him like it had personally offended him.  He glanced up and caught Eren’s jerky wave.  He got to his feet, clothed in a vintage denim jacket and a scarf wound round his neck.  No chance that any scarred skin may show today.

        “Hey.  Sorry, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting, it was a crazy morning.” The words fell out of Eren’s mouth before he could stop them.  Why was he speaking so fast, why did his voice feel so loud?

        Levi shrugged.  “Wasn’t here long anyways.  C’mon, let’s get grab something.  Tea or coffee?” He walked up to the counter and rattled off a very complicated tea order.  Something about the temperature of the water was definitely mentioned.  Apparently it was a normal occurrence, because the staff behind the counter got to work right away without missing a beat.  Levi turned and looked at Eren expectantly.

        Eren reached in his pockets for some change and swore under his breath.  He double checked, but no dice.  “I-I’m fine, really.  Not thirsty.” He explained with a shake of his head.

       “You forgot your money, didn’t you?” Levi drawled.  Eren blushed furiously, giving the senior an answer without needing words.  “I was paying for yours anyways, so stop looking like you’re gonna  burst into flames.  What do you want?”

        “Uh, I, uh…  A little milk, one sugar?” Eren stammered, almost tripping on his way to stand next to Levi at the counter.

        “As in a coffee?” Levi asked, his nose turning up a little bit.

        “Y-yeah?” Eren blinked, not quite understanding the problem.  All the workers had paused now, watching their interaction with curiosity.

        “Disgusting.  You heard the brat, shit with a little milk and one sugar.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.  “I knew I had you pegged as a coffee drinker.”

        Eren laughed with a hint of nerves.  “I didn’t think you were so pro-tea.  You seem more like the type to need caffeine to keep you from strangling someone.”

        The tea fanatic grabbed both of their cups as the order was called, leading Eren to the table in the corner.  “Tea has caffeine, too.”  He pointed out.  He sat down in an armchair across the table and crossed his legs at the ankles.

         Eren followed suit, flopping down with a little less grace.  “Really?  Huh, I never knew that.  I just drink coffee because I love the smell of it; my house used to smell like it every morning.” He smiled and picked up his own cup, becoming very aware that he might spill it.  “It’s relaxing and warm, plus it perks your day, y’know?” He took a deep sip and hissed immediately.  “Fuck, I burnt my tongue!”

        The corners of Levi’s mouth quirked upwards and he loosened the scarf around his neck.  “That’s why you blow on it, moron.”

        Eren blushed again but grinned this time.  He wanted to see Levi full-on smiling, even if it was at his own expense.

* * *

 

        Two hours came and went, along with more hot beverages and a couple cookies.  The pair barely noticed, even though Levi’s wallet was getting a little lighter.

       “Wait, so you never signed up to be a model for the club?” Levi asked, leaning forward with interest.

       “No!  I put my name on the wrong sheet, I wanted to be _in_ the art club.  Well, actually I didn’t really want to be in it.  I just needed to sign up for something, and I like doodling, but I’m not good at it or anything.” Eren revealed, breathless with exasperated laughter.  His ribs burned and his cheeks felt hot, in a nice way though.

        “And you went along with it.” The senior’s face was blank as a fresh sheet of paper.

        “What was I supposed to do?  Hange was shoving me in the middle of the circle, and the next thing I know everyone’s asking me to 'look this way' and' put your hands there'.  It was so embarrassing.” Eren scratched the back of his head and looked down bashfully.  Then, he heard something.  A laugh.  He looked up and saw the sight of a lifetime, and at that exact moment he knew he was fucked.

         Levi was chuckling, his pale face cracked into a smirk.  Even his breathy laugh was kind of dark, but it bubbled out of his throat nonetheless.  It wasn’t loud and it didn’t fill the room.  It didn’t even last very long.  But God, it was exquisite.

         “Well, that explains why you looked like you shit your pants the entire time.” Levi said, interrupting Eren’s staring.

         “I did not!  ...Did I?” He asked in a hesitant voice.

        “You definitely did.” Levi assured him.  He glanced at the clock on the wall for the first time since entering the cafe.  “Damn, we’ve been here a while.”

         “Two hours, sorry if you have to be somewhere.  You probably didn’t want to waste the afternoon with some sophomore.” Eren apologized.

         “Hoh?  Wasted?  I wouldn’t say that.  I gotta get going though, I have a paper due Monday.” He excused himself from the table, somehow not managing to knock his knees against the armchair like Eren did.

        “Oh god, now that you say that, I have science homework I have to do.  Mikasa’ll kill me if I forget about it.” Eren groaned.

        The two stood by the door to the cafe, a bit of awkwardness creeping into the air.  What now?

        “Well… See you around.” He waved and started out the door into the fall wind.

        “...Oi, Eren.  I’ll tell Hange you want in on the real club, alright?  I expect to see you next Friday.” Levi ordered, jerking his chin out the door.

        “T-that’d be great!  I’ll be there!” Eren flashed a toothy grin, unable to believe his ears.  He walked outside with a bounce in his step and punched the air in excitement, completely forgetting he was still in view from the coffee shop window.

        Levi watched the kid and caught himself almost smiling.  “Not bad, not bad at all.”

 


	4. Bathroom Stalls and Soccer Balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely astounded by how many people seem to be enjoying this story, thank you guys so much! I'll try and make you all proud. This chapter is lacking in Levi, sadly, but I wanted to concentrate a bit more on Eren and his personal character development, since the story is being told from his point of view after all. lemme know what you guys thought in the comments, and feel free to make any predictions about what may happen next!

        "Yo, Jaeger! You gonna take off your shirt or what?  C'mon already." Jean Kirchstein whipped him with a towel right on the ass.  He bore the shittiest grin possible on his face.  His two toned hair was mussed and full of static after taking off his shirt, so it kind of looked like he had just stuck his finger in a socket.  Even after a month, Eren still couldn’t decide if he hated the boy or not.

        He yelped and rubbed his behind, still fully clothed. "Chill out, Horse Face, I'm working on it!" His face grew redder by the moment, and he hoped his voice was furious enough to distract from the fingers picking at his sleeves and the blush on his cheeks.

        Gym was the class Eren despised more than any other.  It was hard to enjoy playing a friendly game of soccer when all his classmates were die hard athletes, Jean being one of them.  They all lived and breathed protein powder.  If you sucked at sports, you stuck out like a sore thumb that no one wanted to pay attention to, but couldn't really stop staring at.   Plus, Eren was about as straight as a circle, therefore the locker room felt like a minefield: one wrong move, and it was all over.  

        As he stripped of his clothes to change into a baggy shirt and shorts that were really too short for his lanky legs, it was hard not to feel out of place.  Eren didn’t have Jean’s cocky, set-your-heart-on-fire smile.  His stomach wasn’t toned, instead his ribcage was a xylophone begging to be played.  His arms were brittle branches wrapped in flesh that shivered in the breeze.  He was frail.

        Eren tried to stay as out of view as much as possible and kept his head down, even as the others laughed and joked.  He didn’t feel like making a red, blustering fool of himself anytime soon.

        When it came time to pick team members, rubber running sneakers squeaked on the linoleum floor as everyone jostled for a spot in line.  Eren shuffled his feet and hunched his shoulders in the crowd.  Jean and a blond headed brute by the name of Reiner were the team captains, as they were almost every class.  After an intense game of rock paper scissors, they started pointing and calling out names.

        Eren tried not to notice that soon only him and a very tall brunet that suffered from a chronic sweat problem were left.  The worst part was, he still knew what was coming next.  It happened each class, and there was no reason to suspect today would be any different.

        "Bertholdt, come on over. I was gonna pick you no matter what." Reiner grinned and threw an arm around Bert's shoulder, who grinned sheepishly.

        Jean pointed at Eren.  "Get your skinny ass over here, Jaeger!  I'll make a soccer player out of you yet." He said it like it was a challenge, albeit one he was eager to take on.

        "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Eren snapped at the captain with a glare, even though his stomach had dropped into his toes.  Still, his eyes flashed, daring Jean to answer.  He'd show this guy a soccer player.

* * *

 

        An hour later, Eren was bent over with his hands on his knees and trying to remember what breathing felt like.

        "Eren!" Jean stood above him, shitty grin back in place.  "You kinda sucked, but you were decent in the end.  You're a determined bastard, I'll give you that."

        "Thanks?" Eren wheezed out, wiping the sweat from his forehead.  The gym floor was swirling in front of him, and he felt himself listing from side to side.

        "Don't mention it." Jean said, took a swig from his water bottle, and walked out of the gymnasium.

        As soon as he was out of sight, Eren rushed to the washroom.  All the other boys had long since cleared out, so he was alone. Thank God for small miracles. His stomach was roiling, and he almost didn't make it to the stall in time.  He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet.

         Cold sweat coated his skin and he couldn't stop shaking as vomit rose up in his throat and burned his esophagus. Eren gulped and gagged, digging his fingers into his thighs.  He tried to keep it down, he really did, but it couldn't be helped.  He ended up puking his guts up in the porcelain toilet bowl.  

        Shame and embarrassment flooded through him as he walked on wobbly legs to the sink. He couldn't even handle a stupid game of soccer without hurling. God, it was pathetic. He wondered what Jean would say now.  Eren splashed cold water on his face and tried to rinse the bitter taste of bile out his mouth.

        Why did it always have to be this way?  Why could he never just do one thing right?  Why was he so weak?  The questions swirled in Eren's brain, becoming a maelstrom that threatened to drown him.  Soon enough his eyes were filling with salt and water and it was becoming harder to breathe.  There was a sharp and painful noise in his ears, crashing over and over again, like sluggish waves on a coast line.  He didn't realize until afterwards it was the sound of him sobbing.

* * *

 

        That evening, Eren started rummaging through a couple boxes that still needed to be unpacked.  “Mikasa!” He shouted.  “Do you know where we put the old sports stuff?”

        She walked down the hallway and found him amidst an explosion of bubble wrap and junk.  She frowned and crossed her arms.  “You mean from when you used to play soccer?" She questioned.

        “Yeah.  Know where it is?” He didn’t even glance up from his search.  He was making a mess, but he neglected to notice it.

        “Eren.  You played soccer when you were ten, and you hated it.  Besides, I don’t think your cleats will fit you anymore.” Mikasa deadpanned.  

        “I just need a soccer ball, that’s all,” He said and sent a wicked grin her way.  “I’ve got some practicing to do.”

* * *

 

         Eren said he’d show Jean a soccer player, and next class, that’s exactly what he did.  He would have dribbled circles around himself from the previous game.  He even made a great pass that resulted in the winning goal.

        Jean approached him afterwards with a shocked grin.  “Ever thought about trying out for the school soccer team, Jaeger?” He asked.

        Eren shook his head with an amused smile.  “Not a chance.”

        “C’mon, you bastard.  Why not?  I think you could get good.” Jean wriggled his elbow into the other boy’s rib cage.

        “No way.  I fucking hate sports.”

 


	5. Study Sessions and Sleepless Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the chapter you've all been waiting for. I won't say anymore, besides thanks for bothering to read this story of mine. A new chapter will be up every Monday!

        Eren yawned and fought to keep his eyes open as he stared at his notes, the letters starting to jumble together.  He was in the school library with Armin and Mikasa, studying for the biology test next week.  It was his worst subject; he couldn’t afford to fail.

        “Eren, maybe you should lay off studying for a while.  You’ve been working really hard and that’s great, but pushing yourself too hard won’t do any good.” Armin said.  He looked concerned.

        “He’s right.  You look horrible.” Mikasa agreed with a nod, monotone as ever.

        Eren scowled at her.  “Thanks, that made me feel so much better.” He snapped, and immediately dropped his head in his hands.  “Sorry.” He sighed from behind his fingers.

        “What’s wrong?  Ever since you started school this year, you’ve really buckled down.” Armin gently closed the biology binder and pushed it away.  Judging by the unusually stern look on his face, it didn’t seem like he was going to let the subject drop.  

        Eren rubbed at his eyes, trying to make them focus properly.  “You make it sound like a bad thing.  I just want to get into a good college, y’know?  I’m not the smartest, but if I work hard then I can do it.” He set his jaw and reached for the books again.  “So I’ll work hard."

        Mikasa’s hands turned into whips, cracking down onto the biology books.  “College?  Where did that come from?” She asked.  “You’re not one to talk about the future.”

        Eren shrugged in a breath before answering.  “Just been thinking about something Mom said.” Before she died.  “She was always pushing me to try hard in school.” Unlike his dad.  “She would’ve killed me if I failed this test.” And lectured him about applying himself to his school work more.

        God, what he wouldn’t give for another one of her lectures.

        Mikasa released her death grip and let Eren take his notes back without a word.  Armin didn’t have much to say after that, either.

* * *

 

        The rest of the week continued in this fashion.  Armin offered explanations of difficult concepts Eren couldn’t wrap his head around, while Mikasa quizzed him for hours at home.  He was working so hard that he knew his material off by heart.  The problem was, it seemed like the only thing his brain could understand.  One evening, Mikasa asked him what he wanted for dinner and he responded by telling her that mitochondria are, in fact, the powerhouse of the cell.

        All the studying and pressure was taking its toll.  He trudged through the hallways with cinder blocks for feet.  In class he was barely able to keep his eyes open, which made the studying a little counter productive if he thought about it too much.  A travel mug of coffee found itself glued to his fingers every few hours, and the amount of milk and sugar decreased until he was drinking it black as pitch.  He found his mind slipping into his mental paradise more and more, filled only with tides and seashells.  Eren knew he had to write this test before his weariness beat him and he slipped into a coma.

        Art club came like a bolt out of the blue.  The week had flown by in such a biology filled stupor that he didn’t even have the energy to get nervous or think about Levi.  But he had given his word, and he wasn’t some kind of flake, so he knew he had to go.  Eren slumped through the door with his shoulders sagging underneath the weight of his backpack.  He was so exhausted that he almost didn’t notice when he walked straight into a short, solid body.

        “What the fuck- Oh, Eren.  Hey.” Levi’s voice was sinister at first, but upon realizing who had stepped on him, he dialed his tone back to a dark hum.

        “Levi! Oh, god, I’m sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going-” Eren cut off his apology with a yawn.  “Sorry.” He covered his mouth and said again.

        “What’s the matter with you?  You look like you’re gonna pass out.” Levi frowned in disapproval and crossed his arms.  He looked the boy up and down with a hard stare.

        The interest caught Eren off guard, even though he clearly remembered their afternoon coffee when Levi had felt like a friend, or almost something more.  He then very quickly became aware of the fact that dark circles plagued his eyes and that his hair resembled a hedgehog.

        “Brat.  You in there?” Levi snapped his fingers in front of his face.  

        Eren jumped.  “Uh, sorry.”  Apparently he had spaced out.

        “You’ve apologized three times in the past sixty seconds.  I think that’s a record.  Now, what the hell is your issue?” Levi started walking towards a chair and easel without glancing behind him.  It seemed he just assumed Eren would follow behind him, but he assumed correctly.  

        “I have a biology test Monday, and I’ve been studying all week for it.  I’m kind of wiped.” He explained and eased himself into a seat with a contented sigh.  His entire body went limp and relaxed.  Even his eyelids started to flutter.

        “I can see that.  Why the fuck are you here, then?” The senior drawled, his voice dripping impatience.

        “I told you I’d be here, so I came.  I wouldn’t want to stand you up.  Besides, I figured I’d like art club a lot more if I got to draw with you instead of you drawing me,” Eren rambled with a sleepy, lopsided grin.  “You bite your lip when you draw, did you know?  It’s kind of hot, even though you scare the shit out of me.”  A distant part of his mind was screaming for him to shut up, why was he being so flirty, why was he letting himself say so much?  But the rest of him was too overworked to give a damn.

        Levi smirked upon hearing this.  “Hoh?  Damn, you really are tired, saying things like that.  Are coconut head and emo scarf here to walk you home?” He asked, amusement colouring his voice.

        Eren shook his head slowly as not to make the room spin.  They had left right after school to work on that project.

        “You’re too tired to walk by yourself.  You’ll trip and end up getting run over.  I’ll walk you home today.” Levi said, and before Eren could argue, Hange blew in the door like a tornado.  

        The next hour was spent sketching and working with one another.  It was all Eren could do to keep himself from drooling on his easel, so he doodled and then he mostly watched Levi work.  

       “Why are you staring?” Levi deadpanned as he guided his pencil with calculated grace.

        “I want to see how you draw so well.” He replied simply.   

        Levi didn’t say anything to that, only continued his task without so much as looking upwards.

* * *

 

        It was an amazing thing to witness, Eren thought to himself.  He observed as Levi’s creamy fingertips grew dark with graphite, ashes from the fire of creation.  The artisan’s face was contorted in all manners of ways, showing more expression than Eren had ever seen grace his face.  Frustration fueled with enough anger to tear down mountains.  Sorrow soaked with enough despair to drown everything in sight.  Happiness, held together with stitches of bittersweet memories.  

        Levi gnawed on his bottom lip with a ferocity that only came from the genesis of real art.  His head and shoulders swayed like a cobra waiting to strike.  Every so often, the pencil in his grip would move faster and faster until it became a blur, then suddenly stop.  Yet somehow, there was a kind of mad beat to his process.  His movements were a chaotic dance that was contained by some kind of power.  Something scary and cold and sharp and more divine than any god possible.

* * *

 

        Eren didn’t quite realize that Levi was walking him home until they had both put on their jackets and the senior looked at him expectantly.  He had heard him say it, but didn’t think he was serious.

        “Where do you live?” Levi asked, slinging his messenger bag onto his shoulder.  All the spirited energy from the drawing session was pretty much gone.  What was left behind was a daunting, kind of cranky person making conversation that Eren wasn’t ready for.

        “Uh, a little over a mile away, on Heather Parkway.  You really don’t need to go through all this trouble-” Eren swallowed and cut himself off.  He liked this guy, so why did he keep trying to push him away?  Maybe it was because of this tightness in his chest and damn, why was it so warm in here?

        “I think I can handle a mile, you bastard.  Now come on.” Levi scoffed and headed out the door, Eren scrambling behind him.

        “Right, sorry.”

        “Stop apologizing.”

        “Sorry.” Eren said without thinking, and the glare he got was almost comical.  “I mean, okay.”

        Autumn was in full swing, and the leaves were already crunching underfoot.  Eren breathed in and the crisp air tickled his nose.  It was refreshing, and brought some life back into his step.

        “You don’t look like shit anymore.  Still, you’re walking all over the sidewalk; be careful.” Levi ordered.  He was wearing black pants and a blue wool coat that fell just past his hips.  It was hard not to notice how it brightened his steely eyes.

        “The fall air is nice, I think it woke me up a little bit.” Eren smiled.  “I really love the colours of the trees, it looks like someone went out and painted all their leaves.”

        “But the leaves are dying.  That’s why they change colour.  Soon enough they’ll all be dried up and brown, and the trees will be bare.” Levi turned his face to look at the leaves.  His expression didn’t change as he said this, he only kept walking forwards with his hands shoved in his pockets.

        Eren was taken aback by such a depressing comment.  He had to pause for a moment to try and think of something to say.  “That’s true, but even when they die, the trees still live through the winter.  They keep growing, and new leaves come with the spring.  And that’s something beautiful to watch too, I think.” He explained with an overwhelming sense of self-consciousness.  Worried he had said too much, he ducked his head down so Levi couldn’t see how red his cheeks were.  What the hell was he saying?  It’s not like they were in some shoujo manga.  So imagine his surprise when Levi answered.

        “You’re right, I guess.” The corners of his mouth twitched upwards.  “Eh, what am I saying.  They’re just big ass trees.” He said in amusement and shook his head.  “Maybe I’ll draw them sometime.”

        “You should.  Your art is amazing.” Eren blurted.  Levi only raised his eyebrows, thin and dark, so he figured he might as well keep going.  “I mean, I’ve only seen what you drew in art club today, but all of that was really good, and…” Fuck.

        “And what?” Levi pressed him for an answer.  It was the type of voice that was not easily mislead.  One that did not appreciate being lied to.  One that made Eren squirm and tug at the cuffs of his windbreaker.  

        Silence.

        “You looked in the sketchbook, didn’t you?” The accusation flooded his senses faster than any ocean waters ever could, crashing in his ears and sprinkling salt in his throat, making it hard to swallow.

        “Yes.” Eren whispered.  “I’m sorry, I was wondering if the drawings of me might be in there and-”

        Levi whirled on him, his coat flapping.  “Nosy fucking brat.”  He growled from low in his throat.  He had never looked so furious, and Eren’s mind flickered back to the inked artwork in the very back of the sketchbook.  The familiar boy and girl.  Levi’s eyes seemed to cut through him, slicing him until he was little more than glass shards lying on the ground.  “Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to look through people’s things?  Or are you just a pathetic excuse for a son?”

        Eren could sit there and let Levi scream at him, spit on him, make him feel like a piece of shit, and he wouldn’t complain.  He knew what he had done was wrong.  But this self-righteous prick had no right to bring her into this.  He balled his fists, and blunt fingernails dug into his palms.  “My mother taught me to never speak out of my ass and bring someone’s family down.” Eren snarled.  His eyes were stinging and it felt like they were full of arctic fire, and as the heat trickled down his cheeks he cursed himself.  “She taught me to apologize when I fucked up, and to accept a goddamn apology when I got one.  I was lucky to know her, you bastard!”

        Levi’s expression didn't change, but his face turned to frost.  He moved with a barely restrained indifference as he straightened his coat and turned away.  He started walking back the way they had come with a short, clipped gait.

        “Where are you going?”

        “You can walk by yourself from here.”

 


	6. More or Less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I couldn't leave everyone hanging forever now, could I? This was probably one of my favourite chapters to write this far, it felt really nice and poetic near the end. I did some calculations last night, and I figure I have another nine chapters or so after this one. That is subject to change, though. Also, I was wondering: would you guys be interested in a chapter from Levi's point of view?

        All weekend long, Eren threw himself into his books.  He couldn’t bear to think about how badly he had screwed everything up between himself and Levi.  His stomach dropped every time he remembered the icy fury on his face; he’d never seen someone look so angry before.  It was stupid to be so worked up, he told himself.  It’s not like anything was going to happen.  He didn't even know if Levi was into guys.  Still, when he thought back to the way his argent eyes latched onto him, deconstructing him piece by piece and rebuilding his image with a pencil… It was hard to keep his head from swirling.

        Mikasa kept a watchful eye on him, reminding him to drink water and forcing him out of his cave to eat.  She sat him at the kitchen table like a child and the two would have the supper she had prepared.  Knives and forks scraped against plates like nails across a chalkboard in the silence.  

        Their dad didn’t come to the table.  Eren doubted he would notice if the two disappeared and never came home one day.  He lived in his study on microwavable meals and fast food, seemingly more so ever since his wife died.  Or maybe he had always been so reclusive and her shining brilliance had always made up for it.  Her fiercely protective and loving nature had been more than enough parenting in their once cheery household.

* * *

 

        The day of the test arrived and Eren was out of coffee.  He refused to believe it at first, because he had sworn up and down that he had stocked up just the other day.  Yet, after turning the kitchen upside down, he had to accept the fact that he was going to be writing his biology test in caffeine withdrawal.  

        “Where did it all go?  I bought a shit ton a couple days ago so I’d be set for the weekend!” Eren threw his hands up in frustration.

        “It’s gone because you drank it all.  I told you not to have so much coffee.” Mikasa muttered.

        “Yeah, well, there’s nothing I can do now is there?” Eren sighed and stood up too fast, giving him a headrush.  He gripped the back of a chair for support and tried to blink the spots out of his eyes.  “I’m going to fail.  Shit, I’m going to fail biology because of this test and a cup of stupid coffee.”

* * *

 

        “Eren.” A familiar voice called out across the school foyer and sent a thrill through his heart.  There was no way.

        And yet there was Levi.  Impeccably dressed as always, today in a cardigan and oxford shoes, he sauntered over.  For once, he had two disposable paper cups in hand.

        "H-hey." Eren choked out.  It felt like his cheeks were so hot they were melting off of his face.  He started to regret wearing his ratty sweatpants.  He took a deep breath, preparing himself for a barrage of verbal assaults.

        "Hey. You have a bio test today, right?" Levi said.  He seemed even more deadpan that usual, but hey.  Eren would take dry over homicidal any day.

        "Yeah, first period?" His voice flicked upwards into a question, because what the hell was going on?  Didn't he hate him now or something?

        "Here. Good luck." Levi thrusted one of the cups forwards. Eren fumbled to take it, brushing the senior's ivory hand and almost dropping the beverage in the process.

        "T-thanks!  You didn't have to..." By the time his gaze returned upwards, Eren found himself to be very much alone.  Levi had already disappeared into the crowd.  With a slight shake of his head, he looked back down at the cup in his hand.  In a beautiful bold script that he had somehow missed at first, Levi had left a message.

        "Apology accepted.  Sorry about your mom." It read.

        Eren's eyes started to prickle, and he wiped them on his shirt sleeve.  Bastard, trying to make him cry in public, he thought.  It made him laugh softly to himself.  He could smell the aroma of the coffee swirling up through the lid. It was positively intoxicating.  He blew on it this time, then took a timid sip.

        Eren almost groaned when the hot (but not too hot) coffee hit his tastebuds.  It was just the way he liked it, a little milk and one sugar.  Maybe it was just because it had been hand delivered by Levi, but in that moment, it was the best damn coffee he had ever tasted.

        Apology accepted.

* * *

 

        Hours later, Eren ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh of relief.  “Thank fuck that’s over with!” He grinned to the point where his cheeks started to ache.

        “Good job.  Hope it pays off.” Mikasa said from behind her trademark scarf.

        “Of course it’s going to pay off!  Eren worked himself to death.  Now you can relax a little.” Armin smiled and rocked on the balls of his feet.  

        The trio were standing on the sidewalk, about to start walking home.  The atmosphere was airy, filled with the sense of small victories. Things were about to get interesting, because at that very moment, the trio became a quartet.

        Levi had left his cluster of friends (Hange from the art club, some tall senior boy with thick blond hair and eyebrows, and another senior boy with some scruff) and walked over quietly to stand near Eren.  No one noticed him until he spoke.  “Mind if I tag along for the walk?”

        Eren jumped and clutched a hand to his chest.  “Levi! I, uh...  Well if, I mean-” He started spluttering, but Armin swooped in to save the day.

        “Sure, sounds great!  Are you Levi?  Eren’s told us so much about you.”  Scratch that part earlier about saving the day.

        “Shut up, Armin.” Eren tried his damndest to hiss out, but Levi had taken this chance by the balls and was rolling with it.

        “Hoh, has he now?” Levi raised an eyebrow and smirked slightly.  “What has he told you?”

        “At first he told us you were a..." Armin dropped his eyes to the ground and trailed off.  

        "A bastard.  That’s what I’m leaning towards.” Mikasa spoke for the first time as they all started the trek home.

        Eren groaned.  “Mikasa…” His sister was one of the toughest people he had ever met, but he still didn’t think she should get on Lei's bad side.  He braced himself for a scathing comment.

        Levi simply shrugged.  “You’re not wrong.” He conceded.  “I wouldn’t get too high and mighty yourself, though.”

        Mikasa’s dark eyes flashed, but she said nothing more as she walked.

        Armin cut in again.  “But he also told us how passionate you are about your art, and how you’re kind of thoughtful when you want to be.” He rambled on.

        “That’s quite the description, coconut head.”

        “It’s Armin.”

        “Sure thing, coconut head.”

        Armin and Mikasa soon drifted in front of Eren and Levi, throwing furtive glances over their shoulders.  They whispered back and forth like gossipy old women, leaving Eren to swear under his breath.  He loved them, he really did, but _chill the fuck out_.

        "Sorry about those two, they don't really know how to take a hint." Eren muttered, pulling at his jacket sleeves.

        Levi shrugged.  "I've been called worse." He said, referring back to Mikasa.

        Eren nodded, more so to stall and try to think of something to say than anything else.  Maybe he should have stalled a little longer, because next he asked a very stupid question that made Levi very quiet.  "Why are you walking home with us?  With me?" He wondered aloud with a rush of bravery.  Or recklessness, whatever you want to call it.

        The senior didn't say anything for about a block.  Eren soon accepted that he had said something odd and that Levi was just stunned by how awkward he was.  So, he took to examining the cracks on the sidewalk.  Then the leaves crunching underfoot, dead by the final days of October.  In all honesty, Eren would have stared at dog shit as long as he didn't have to meet the gaze next to him.

        Yet Levi surprised him by taking a deep breath and letting it hiss out between his teeth.  His jaw was taught when he spoke just loud enough for Eren to hear.  "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." He said, tone drier than sandpaper.  His nerves seemed stretched tighter than a drum.

        Eren's mouth split into a cautious grin.  "That's okay," He whispered.  "I don't know either."

* * *

 

        And that's how they continued through the dreary days of November, keeping each other company on the shattered concrete walkways.  Sometimes they would meander next to Armin and Mikasa, but more often than not they would lag behind. They talked about little nothings or didn't talk at all, but every once in a while words would spill out between them like an unstoppable flood.

        Eren learned that Levi, Hange, and his tall blue eyed friend named Erwin, along with the scruffy one named Mike, had been friends since they all started high school.  Hange was a wing nut, he said, but Eren already knew that.  She had a very open heart.  Erwin was the golden boy who could do no wrong, a student council president that was trying to change the school for the better.  Mike was quiet, and a little odd, but had more loyalty in his little finger than most people did in their whole bodies.  He also learned that Levi had started living on his own this year, and worked part time at the café him and Eren had visited.  Apparently, he really enjoyed his job.  

        Eren told him about his fascination with the ocean, how he wished that he could live next to the beach like he did in his old house.  He thought of becoming a marine biologist one day, especially because ever since his biology test, his mark had skyrocketed.  He mentioned his mom a few times as well.  Not often, but enough to piece together what had happened.  Aneurysm.  There was no way she could have known.  Unpreventable.  

        It became their routine, this time together, along with Levi bringing Eren a cup of coffee every Monday morning after that.  He would add a shot of espresso if he knew Eren had a test coming up or a project due. Eren would always insist on paying him back for it, even though Levi always refused.  Add art club every Friday on top of that, and their lives rushed to tangle together in one wonderful knot.  

        The pair were content in their confused relationship, still not your average friends but certainly nothing more.  They were satisfied by their unknowns, and found comfort in the fact that they had no idea what anything meant or where the hell they were going.  All they knew was warm paper cups, loose sweater threads, dull pencils and scuffed shoes on cold sidewalks.  That was all they wanted, all they needed.

        More or less.

 


	7. Pride and Paintings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pride and Paintings? get it, like Pride and Prejudice? Never even read that to be honest. Anyway! I remained faithful to my one chapter a week policy, the views and positive support I got from that last chapter was overwhelming, thanks so much again guys. Leave your feedback, because you never know, you might give me some inspiration. Also, I was wondering if you guys would like to see some on my one-shots posted?

        December creeped its icy tendrils into the air, painting whispering breaths another layer of ivory against the backdrop of winter.  Outside the art room picture window, snow started to float down.  

        "It's so _white_." Eren complained as he glanced out.  He rested his chin upon the heel of his hand and sighed.

        "Thank you for stating the obvious." Levi hummed.  He was setting up the easels for art club, and Eren had offered to help since Hange was busy.  

        The younger scowled and it made Levi smirk.  "What I meant to say was that it's too plain.  I miss the colours." He let his scowl soften.  Eren meant what he said; winter was only just starting and he was already yearning for autumn leaves, or even foamy waves and sand between his toes.

        Club members started trickling in through the door, and soon enough the place was packed.  They all looked at Levi for direction, wondering without asking what the plan was for the day.  He seemed to consider this for a beat, mulling it over in his head.  "We could paint today." He suggested with a shrug.

        "Really?" Eren perked up a little, scooting closer.  He had never seen Levi do any work in colour, but he imagined it would be beautiful.  

        "Yeah.  Maybe you'll actually do something besides watch me." Levi's tone was almost teasing when he spoke, a rarity.

        Eren flushed a little.  Despite his best efforts, that was one thing he still couldn’t get under control.  "I can't draw for shit, I already told you that."

        "Then paint."

        "But what if I fu-"

        "God dammit, just shut up and try it."

        So, with an increasing sense of trepidation, Eren found an array of brushes, a glass of water, and a paint pallet.  He settled in front of the easel, adjusting his stool this way and that.  He grasped a brush in his fingers and hesitated.  “Levi, what do I do now?”

        “Don’t ask me.” Levi said impassively.  He was fixated on a black and white sketch he was working on.

        “What the hell do you mean?  You’re not going to paint, even though you’re making me?” Eren exclaimed.  Some vice president he was.

        “Mhm.”  He didn’t even look up from his task.  It was clear any conversation was going to have to be dragged out of him.  

        The sophomore groaned.  Useless.  he took a deep breath and tried to think of something to paint.  He hoped that when the inspiration struck him, he would feel some artistic instinct that would tell him what to do.  He closed his eyes, and there behind his lids danced the sun on ocean waters.  His skin drank up the warmth, and he could feel the grittiness of salt and sand dried in his hair.  It smelled fresh, too, clearing his mind.

        It was very obvious as to what he wanted to capture on the canvas, so he set to work.  Eren didn’t quite know what he should be doing, but he tried whatever felt right.  He had thought it was interesting to watch Levi work, but actually creating something himself was on a whole other level.  This was different than doodling in the margins of his textbooks.

        Watercolour paints swirled together, and Eren liked the way they bled onto the canvas.  They flooded it with blues and greens in perfect harmony.  He liked the way his wrist seemed to move so smoothly.  With an elegance he had never known he had possessed.  And most of all, he liked how quiet it got in his head.  It was like everything else had stopped, just for him.  That is, until he heard movement on his left.  He glanced upwards, the picture of absent mindedness.

        Levi hovered over his shoulder, and the electricity was palpable.  At least, for Eren it was.  "Hoh?  That's good." Levi said lowly, his breath ghosting over Eren's neck and making him shiver.  He had been watching for a while now.

        "You think?" The painter asked, feeling self conscious.  He hadn't really planned on it being good.  But after taking a closer peek, the sunlit beach did look okay.  Well done, even.

        "That's really good.  You're kind of a natural." Levi admitted.  His eyes looked like open windows, breathing in the colours and making the whole house feel refreshed.  

        It was a rare, blissful expression that Eren coveted.  He felt privileged to be the cause of it, and his heart was growing lighter by the moment.  “Thanks, that means a lot.” Eren accepted the compliment with a smile, and it felt like he could fly.

* * *

        After that day, it seemed like Eren couldn’t put the paintbrushes down.  He found himself sneaking to the art room during breaks between classes so he could try and capture the feeling of creation again.  It was an addictive sensation, a craving he couldn’t seem to satisfy.  It was evident that the stolen art sessions weren’t enough, but he didn’t feel like asking his father to drive him to the art store for supplies.  He was rarely home, anyway.  So for now the art room and its gifts would have to do.  

         He often ran into Levi there, sometimes sketching on an easel, sometimes in his private sketchbook.  Now and again he wasn’t even drawing at all, but rather studying.

        “Even if I’m not drawing, I think clearer here.” He explained to Eren when he asked, and he nodded.  He understood, because that was how the ocean felt to him.

        After a while, he moved on from oceanscapes, to rugged mountain ranges and fields of flowers.  It was almost as if he was travelling the world in a smudge of water and paint.  They were snapshots from places he had never been or may not even exist anywhere besides on his canvas.

* * *

“Eren, that’s fantastic!” Armin crowed after seeing his latest painting.  Him, Eren and Mikasa were hanging out that weekend at the Jaeger residence.

“You’re improving, Eren.  I’m proud.” Mikasa told him, solemn yet sincere.

“Thanks you guys.  I think I’ll hang it up on the wall.  All I can see outside is more fucking snow, so I want to have a change of scenery, y’know?” He stood up and started trying to decide where to place the landscape.  He held it up to get an idea.  “What about here?”

Mikasa shook her head.  “To the right.  There.” She nodded in satisfaction.

“Okay, I’ll grab some tape.  Be right back!” Eren said, bolting out into the hallway.  If it hadn’t been for the light switch being flicked on at the last second, he would have collided with his dad.  He was wearing a lab coat instead of a robe and slippers, so he must’ve just gotten home from the night shift at the hospital.

“Hello, Eren.  How are you?” His father said, almost like an actor repeating lines.

“Uh, hey Dad.  I’m doing pretty good.  Actually,” Eren gestured with the hand holding his painting.  “I just finished a painting.  I was thinking I could hang it up in my room.” He said, cautious yet hopeful.

“That’s nice.  Don’t stay up too late now.” He waved goodnight and shuffled to his room., not even bothering to take off his shoes.

Eren released his pent up breath with a sigh.  He felt a familiar sense of abandonment, followed by an also familiar rush of guilt  His father worked hard to provide for him and Mikasa, and surely he was still grieving.  Eren, on the other hand, was no better than a child who wanted someone to play with.

Mikasa poked her head out the door.  “Did you find the tape?”

“I just remembered where it was, I’ll get it.”


	8. Shopping and Dropping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, told you I would be back didn't I? Check out this chapter and tell me what you think, it's a doozy!

        Eren did not consider himself to be a jumpy person.  He was a little awkward with new people, and sometimes didn’t think before he spoke, and quite often suffered from a little self loathing, and shit where was he going with this?  Right; if he was anything, he was gutsy.  At least, that was what he told himself as he tried to calm his rattled nerves.

        A heavy hand landing on his shoulder, accompanied by a rumbling voice deep enough to feel in his own chest, had almost made him shit his pants.  His hand clutched weakly at his own shirt front.  He attempted to compose himself and turn to face the person who had approached him, but it was no use.  The boy - he was more of a man than a boy, actually - that stood there was still intimidating.  He towered over Eren, with a strapping set of shoulders, a barrel chest, and legs like tree trunks.  His thick blond eyebrows were a little distracting as well, but the thing that shocked Eren the most was the fact that he was missing an arm from the shoulder down.  He immediately felt guilty for being so taken aback.

        The large hand raised as if to surrender.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.  I’m Erwin.” His stone blue eyes crinkled as he smiled, like they were good ol’ pals.  “I’m a friend of Levi’s.”

        “Ah,” Eren paused.  “That makes a bit more sense.  I’m Eren.” He said haltingly.  In reality, none of this was making much sense.

        “I know, that’s why I was hoping to speak with you.” Erwin said.  He talked like he was giving a speech, almost as if he were a motivational speaker of some sort.  “Do you have any plans for Christmas Day, Eren?” He inquired.

        “Um, I’m not really sure?  Why?” Eren answered with his own questions.  This entire situation was getting more and more bizarre by the second.  His fingers found their way to his sleeve cuffs and started squirming.

        “I’m not sure if you were aware, but Levi’s birthday is on Christmas.  A couple of his friends, including myself, were planning on going to his apartment and having a party to surprise him.  He’s mentioned you, and it seems like you spend a lot of time together.  Would you like to come?  I thought I would ask now, since it’s the last day before winter break.” He proposed the idea like a business venture, with an amiable smile and posture so straight it looked like he had a ruler shoved up his - you know what?  Forget it.

        “Oh, of course I knew Levi’s birthday was on Christmas,” Eren lied through his teeth and chuckled a breathy laugh.  “Why wouldn’t I know that?  Yeah, I’d love to come, thanks for the invite.  It sounds like a great time.”

        “Wonderful!” Erwin said.  Who the fucks says ‘wonderful’?  “We’ll all meet at the coffeehouse below his apartment at eight o’clock that evening.  See you there!” He waved with his one hand, gave a nod and headed off, leaving Eren’s head swirling.

        What did he just get himself into?

* * *

        Mikasa was the one who had insisted on getting a tree.  Her and Eren picked the tree out themselves in a mall parking lot and had lashed it to the roof of a taxi cab to get it home.  The cabbie complained about sap getting all over his new paint job, but Mikasa stared him down and gave him a wad of cash to shut him up.  

        They pulled it in through their front door, pine needles dropping to the floor in a storm.  Eren was responsible for actually getting the thing to stand up straight, but the trunk was bowed, so he did the best he could.  They spent the rest of the evening hanging up Christmas decorations, many of which held stories of a happier time.  It was meant to be a happy occasion, but the two felt like they were the only ones in the entire world.  So, Eren slipped a little of their dad’s rum into the eggnog and the two got just tipsy enough to be able to remember, to laugh, to cry, all at the same time.

        “I miss her, Mikasa.  God, I miss her.” He gulped down another mouthful of eggnog, the liquid burning his throat and warming his belly.  “I just get these waves of missing her, y’know?  Like all of a sudden I can’t breathe because it hits me that’s she’s just gone, all over again.” He blinked back tears that sprang into his eyes.

        “I miss her, too.” Mikasa murmured.  She slumped against his shoulder like all the strength had been drained out of her and let her head fall onto his shoulder.  It made Eren feel a little bit more of that painful hollowness inside.  Even his sister could only be strong for so long.

        Tears escaped against their will every time the lights on the tree seemed to wink at them.  It hurt so much, in a way that didn’t make sense.  In the same way her death never did, and never would, make sense.  

        Mikasa eventually fell asleep propped up on his side, so he did his best to slip his hands underneath her.  He then carried her to bed, trying not to stagger under the hazy grip of the rum.  He stubbed his toe on her bed frame and swore under his breath, almost dropping her.  He managed to not wake her, so he slowly lowered her onto the mattress and tucked her in.  He dropped a kiss on her forehead and stumbled back to bed.

* * *

        Christmas was in four days and Eren hadn’t bought one single gift.  He was able to hitch a ride with Armin and his grandfather on the way to the mall, where Armin worked.  He didn’t like to ask for favors from the Arlert’s, even if it was only a car ride.  His friend’s grandfather was aging, and the two were getting by on the old man’s pension and what little Armin brought in as a cashier at a fast food place in the food court.  Eren and Mikasa, on the other hand, lived more than comfortably on their father’s salary.  They offered Armin help when they could by treating him to lunch more often than not, lending him  things like that.

        “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you looking for in the mall today?” Armin asked as the pair walked in through the automatic doors.  The entire mall smelt like fake garland and was coated in a fine layer of glitter.

        “I, um, need to get some Christmas presents.” Eren shrugged in a breath.  He already had a rough idea of what he was going to get Mikasa and Armin, but when it came to Levi he drew a total blank.  “I haven’t done any shopping yet.’

        “Sounds fun!  What do you want for Christmas, anyway?” The blond adjusted his cheesy uniform with a hint of embarrassment.  Eren couldn’t tell if it was the topic of conversation or his outfit.

        “I don’t really need anything special.” He assured Armin.  He didn’t want him spending any money he didn’t need to.

        “That’s no help.  At least give me a couple ideas.” He smiled like it was no big deal.  He never liked taking charity and always insisted that it was ‘fine, don’t worry about it’.

        “Well, I’ve been doing a lot of painting lately…” Eren let his sentence trail off before he said something he may regret.

        Armin furrowed his brows in thought for a moment and then let his mouth fall open with a hint of a gasp.  Eren could almost see the light bulb flicker on above his head.  “I have it!  Don’t you worry Eren, you’ll love it.  I have to go, my shift is about to start!  Do you have a way home?” He said as he started towards the food court.

        “Yeah, Dad gave me a little change for a taxi, only enough for one way though.  See ya later!” He patted his pants pocket and waved to Armin.  Then he turned away and started to walk down the mall, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

        There were so many people, flocking together in the most inconvenient of places.  He recognized few faces.  Even after five months, he didn’t really know anyone in the town besides a couple people from school.  The only person he had known was Armin, and it was pure luck that him and his grandfather had been moving to the same town already.  He had never quite said why they had moved, but Eren suspected it might have been due to financial issues.

         The longer he wandered the mall, the more uncomfortable in his own skin he became.  He felt like he was being constantly followed by mocking eyes.  Dark thoughts that he hadn’t heard in weeks crept back into his mind, invited by his panic and isolation.  He was disgusting, horrendous to look at.  That was why everyone glared at him.  He was an eye sore, disrupting their view.  He didn’t fit in, his eyebrows were too thick and his nose too large and his limbs too gawky and overall just ugly.

        Eren was about to give up and go home.  He wanted to crawl into his own rib cage and never venture out again, but he didn’t.  Instead, he gripped his jacket sleeves tightly between his fingers and took a deep breath.  You can do this.  They aren’t staring.  You don’t look that bad.  You can do this.

        So he forced himself through the holiday crowds into the shops.  He searched through racks upon racks, shelves upon shelves.  He didn’t stop until he found something for Mikasa, Armin, and even Levi.  Each gift was perfect, or so he hoped.  Levi was easily the hardest to shop for.  Still, on the ride home in the taxi, he grinned at the packages in his lap.  They would do.  All that was left was Christmas Day, and that damn party.  He wondered what Levi’s apartment would look like.  Would he even want a party?  Would he even want Eren there?  He would like to think so, but with Levi, it was hard to know anything for certain.  He would have to wait and find out.


	9. Albums and Altruism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished writing this last night and I realized that I hadn't written Erwin with one arm in the previous chapter I'm such an idiot. I went back and edited a few things in the chapter before to change it, so that's why when you read this Erwin will in fact have only one arm. I also didn't expect this Christmas arc to continue on for so long, I'm sorry if it's boring you. It will be wrapped up at the end of next chapter. Speaking of which, I'm about to embark on a five day vacation where I won't have any access to my computer, which means I must break my vow of updating every Monday. To make it up for you, the evening before I leave, this Thursday coming, I'll be posting a one shot on this account. Hopefully you guys will check it out, thank you so much for all your support!

        Christmas morning dawned without fanfare, only a strong pair of hands shaking Eren awake.  He groaned and tried to push them away.  Sleep still laid on his limbs and tried to pull them back to the comfort of his bed.

        “Merry Christmas, c’mon and get up.” Mikasa said.  She stood above him with her arms crossed over her chest, looking alert.  

        “Mer' Christmas.” Eren yawned.  He rolled over and let his feet hit the floor with a heavy thump to jolt himself awake.  His eyes barely creaked open before Mikasa grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of his room, stumbling, down the hall and into the living room.

        “Sit.” She ordered and plopped him down in front of the tree.  The television was already on, tuned in to their favourite Christmas cartoon special.  Ever since they were children, they watched it every Christmas morning while opening presents.  A steaming cup of coffee and a cheesy omelette were waiting for him underneath the tree, just like Mom used to make.

        “Mikasa, you didn’t have to do all this.” He choked out, feeling his throat get a little tight.  She had gone through all this work to make this holiday as close to normal as possible, and he hadn’t even bothered to help.  

        His sister smiled softly and let her hand rest atop his sleep mussed hair.  “I wanted to.” She assured him and took a seat on the floor next to him.  She had made herself some cinnamon toast with milk and took a huge bite with gusto.

        Eren laughed at the the crumbs on her face and she retorted by stealing a bite of his omelette.  It was all so familiar and bright that it almost didn’t feel like anything was missing.  He could almost forget that they were sitting underneath a crooked tree in a foreign house, alone besides the echoing sounds coming from the television.

        After their breakfast of champions, Eren passed Mikasa her present.  The wrapping was kind of shabby and the writing on the label was a hasty scrawl, but he knew he had made the right decision as soon as she opened it up.

        Her dark eyes blinked a few times in surprise and wonder.   Even with unbrushed hair and sweatpants, the look that graced her face reminded Eren just how beautiful his sister was.  "Eren..." In her hands she held the first ever Jaeger family photo album.

        It seems absurd, but the Jaegers never had an official photo album.  They had pictures in frames on the mantle and hanging on the wall in their old house.  Even more were kept in old shoe boxes and suitcases hiding away in the closets.  Memories were also captured on digital memory cards, computer hard drives and smart phones, scattered across a wave of electric impulses.  It had been a project of their family to one day go through all the shoe boxes and suitcases and memory cards to create a family photo album.  It was one of those things people always swore to do on a rainy day, but then afterwards it never does end up raining.

        "I finally got the album together, and I labelled as much of it as I could.  Mom had already written the dates on half of them already.  I think she had been picking away at it when she was bored." Eren explained as Mikasa poured over the pages.

        "Look, it's the day you brought me home." Mikasa said and pointed at a photograph. The girl there was only young, small and frail looking.  She was standing in an airport with her new family.  The next photo showed Eren wrapping his beloved scarf around her, the children completely oblivious to the camera but instead trapped in their own little world, as children often are.

        They spent over an hour looking at photos, traveling through time with every turn of a page.  Birthdays and holidays and vacations blended together, years flying by in just a couple of frames.  The timeline ended around eight months ago, right before their mom died.  There hadn't been many occasions for family photographs since then.

        “I love it, thank you so much.” She whispered and hugged him tightly to her for a moment before releasing her grip.  She pulled back and her expression settled to one of quiet content.  “Here’s yours.” She passed him a neat and pristine parcel, not even a wrinkle in the wrapping paper.

        He tore it open with a youthful glee, wondering what on earth she had give him.  He revealed a beautiful array of watercolor paints and a set of brushes with wooden handles to match.  They were just what he wanted.

        “Are they the right kind?” She asked.  

        “They’re perfect.  I can’t wait to use them, look at the quality of these brushes!  And these tones, I’ve never seen them in the art room!” He whooped and kissed her cheek.  “Thanks, Mikasa.”   

        Believe it or not, their father had a shift at the hospital on Christmas Day.  He claimed that he didn't have seniority at this new position and that he had to pay his dues, but Eren still wondered if he had volunteered to work.  His presents lay underneath the tree, two plain white envelopes labelled with their names and a small stick on bow in the corner.  Inside he had put some money with a bland note saying only "Merry Christmas, don't spend it all in one place!".

        "Gee, thanks dad." Eren said and tried to fight down his bitterness.  He couldn't say much about how impersonal the money was considering he had picked his father out a tie and some aftershave.  God knew he needed a good shave.  Mikasa had gotten him a new bathrobe as well, his old one was wearing thin.  It seemed like it was all he ever wore nowadays.

* * *

        They called Armin around lunch time and invited him over.  He came in the door wearing a tuque on his head, his nose and cheeks shining cherry red.  He held two parcels in his hands and had a shy grin on his face.  "Merry Christmas."

        “Merry Christmas, let me grab your coat.” Mikasa brought him inside and hung his jacket up on the coat rack in the porch, along with his ratty hat and threadbare mittens.

        “Merry Christmas Armin!” Eren chirped as his friend sat next to him.  “Shit, you look like you’re freezing.  Did you walk?”  

        Armin shrugged.  “Yeah, it’s only a block though.” He said while rubbing his hands together to try and warm them.

        “No wonder you look cold!  Here, I’ll make you some hot chocolate.” Eren got to his feet and headed into the kitchen before Armin could object.  He knew his guest would never ask for it, anyway.

        He returned and Armin took the steaming mug with gratitude.  "Thanks.  Here, open up your gifts."

        Mikasa received a small wooden sculpture of a bird in flight, hand carved by Armin himself.  He gave Eren a pallet, also wooden, to mix his new paints with.  Armin had the initials E. J. inscribed in cursive.

        "Do you like them?" Armin asked bashfully.

        "This is amazing, I can't believe you did this yourself!" Eren gazed at his gift in wonder.

        "Beautiful..." Mikasa murmured as she turned the small bird over in her hands.

        Armin smiled.  "My grandfather taught me how a while ago.  I'm glad you like them!"

        The siblings then passed him a large box wrapped with a bow.   Inside was a few books, new sneakers, warm gloves and a thick winter jacket.  They had spent a pretty penny, but it was worth it.

        Armin's big blue eyes widened even more and he started to protest.  "This is too much-"

        "It's from the both of us." Eren explained.  He placed his hands on the box.  "Please keep it."

        Armin's lower lip trembled and he bit down on it.  "Thank you." He said quietly and pawed at his eyes.  Mikasa hugged him to her, his small body holding on tightly.  Eren rubbed his  shoulder and swallowed past the lump in his throat. There wasn't much else to say.

* * *

         Eight o'clock rolled around and Eren found himself in the nearby coffee shop where Levi worked.  He had been forced to trudge almost a mile on the snowy sidewalk, lacking a car and not wanting to waste money on a cab, therefore all hopes of looking presentable had flown the coop.  His main priority now was making sure he didn't have snot frozen on his face.

        Erwin was there waiting for him and shook his hand warmly.  It kind of reminded Eren of the handshake between two people at a job interview.  "Nice to see you, Merry Christmas.  The others will be here any minute now."  He said amiably.  His shoulders looked even broader than normal in the winter coat he was wearing, even though one sleeve hung empty and limp.

        "Merry Christmas.  So, where is Levi?" Eren wondered.  How did they manage to get the reclusive Levi out of his apartment?

        "Hange took him out to look at Christmas lights, it's kind of a tradition.  They'll definitely keep him busy." Erwin explained.

        Eren nodded and shoved his numb fingers into his jacket pockets.  Sometimes he forgot that there was still a lot he didn't know about Levi and his life outside of school.

        Before the small talk between the two turned stale, Mike arrived with an armload of decorations, presents, and a birthday cake.  Erwin introduced the two and Eren gave a little wave.  Mike, seeming not to understand the concept of personal space, leaned forward and gave Eren’s neck a quick sniff.

         Eren yelped and jumped backwards a few inches, rubbing his neck with his hand, because _what the actual fuck?_  Mike just grinned like he knew something Eren didn’t and passed him the cake, then walked towards the back of the store.

        “Mike sniffs people when he first meets them.  It’s kind of a weird habit, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.” Erwin explained.

        “Who said I was concerned?  I’m not concerned.” Eren said while repressing a shiver.  

        Erwin laughed and followed after Mike, Eren trailing behind.  They all lugged everything up a narrow back staircase that lead to a small apartment.  

        Levi had told Eren how the owners of the shop had been trying to figure out what to do with the apartment upstairs since no one wanted to live above a coffee house.  Since Levi already worked there and was searching for a place, it was the obvious solution.  Rent was cheap, it was close to school, and there was no commute to work.  

        Inside the apartment was small, with a living room that opened into a kitchenette.  A small hallway stretched down to the left, presumably leading to a bathroom and bedroom.  The furnishings weren't new or fancy, and there wasn't even any holiday decorations.  The thing that Eren noticed more than anything was how clean the entire place was.  Every surface had clearly been meticulously dusted and scrubbed, and the air smelled sharp.  Artificial lemon burned his nose as he breathed.

        Mike got an evil little gleam in his eye and dumped a bag of decorations out on the table.  They were a bunch of shitty banners, streamers, noisemakers and party hats that looked suspiciously like they cost him a buck at the nearest drug store.  He grinned and “Levi’s gonna hate them.” Was all he said.

        They spent the next half hour getting everything ready.  Mike hung up decorations from the ceiling and passed out the cardboard hats with stinging elastic straps that they were all forced to wear.  Erwin set up some speakers and started to play some of Levi’s favourite music, which was all kind of weird and rubbed Eren’s ears the wrong way, but still sounded good, if that made any sense.  He was in charge of refreshments, which was terrifying because Levi seemed to be a very hygienic person and Eren didn’t feel like getting his head bitten off for dropping a chip in the crevices of the couch.

        The home phone let out a shrill ring and Erwin picked it up.  He listened with a look on intense concentration on his face and nodded grimly.  “He’s coming.  Places!”


	10. Isolation and Adoration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, I missed all of you a ton while I was away! Sadly, I'm actually leaving for Europe for a nine day avacation and I wont have any access to internet, not even my phone. That means I won't be adding another chapter for another two Mondays... I feel really bad, but there's nothing I can do. If I have time I might upload another one shot on Friday, if you want to check that out. Thanks for all the support guys! P.S. I used the correct pronouns for Hange this chapter, and I'm going to edit mentions of them in the previous chapters.

        Even in his hiding place under the kitchen table, Eren could hear Hanji and Levi coming up the staircase.  To be accurate, he could hear Hange all the way down on the first floor, their voice echoing off the walls.  Levi wasn’t saying much.

        The door swung open, light flooding in from the hallway, and Eren tensed under the table.  In a mere breath, all of his doubts seemed to swarm up and strangle him.  He hadn’t seen Levi or even spoken to him in a week, would things be different?  Maybe he wouldn’t even want Eren there.  He was probably more of a ‘school friend’ anyway, that’s all he ever was.  Why did Eren think he might be wanted, might belong there?  It was stupid.  He was stupid, and awkward, and ugly-

        Levi flipped the lightswitch and without thinking, Eren jumped to his feet with Mike and Erwin.  “Surprise!” They shouted in unison.  Eren’s hands flew into the air like a cheer squad reject and he smiled at the stunned boy weakly.

        Levi was infamous for having a stoic expression, but even he couldn’t keep the surprised light out of his eyes, his eyebrows raising and his mouth opening just the slightest.  The true look of someone who had been given a gift they weren’t expecting, innocence and happiness blending perfectly.  It only lasted for a second before it was stowed away, but they all saw it, and they all knew that this had been the best idea ever.

        “Happy birthday, Levi,” Erwin smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

        “Were you surprised?  I bet you never saw it coming!” Hange laughed and threw an arm around the birthday boy’s shoulders.  They even ruffled his hair under his beanie.

        Levi scowled and took off his hat, scarf and wool coat that had protected him from the biting cold.  “That’s why you’ve been acting so off lately.  Huh.  Fooled me, thought you shitheads finally went off the deep end,” he scoffed, smirking as he said it.  When all of his winter garb were hung up in the closet, it left him standing in a baggy t shirt that was so wrinkled he must have slept in it the night before, and a pair of leggings that nearly made Eren's eyes roll to the back of his head.  He really loved it when Levi wore those things.  

        Mike didn’t say anything, but instead grabbed a party hat and shoved it onto Levi’s head.  He stepped back to admire his handiwork and grinned like the devil.  “You look like one of Snow White’s fucking dwarves.”

        Eren tried to keep the snort from escaping, but he couldn’t help it.  What with his short stature, the pointed hat, and that permanent cranky look, the resemblance between Levi and Grumpy the dwarf was startling.  The more he tried to stop giggling, the louder he got.  It didn’t help that everyone else was cracking up, too.

        Levi strode over and punched him in the ribs on his way to the snack table.  “Fuck off,” he said, but Eren could’ve sworn he heard a choked laugh when he spoke.

* * *

        An hour later, Eren was sitting on the couch next to Levi, looking at all the gifts the birthday boy had received from his friends thus far.  Judging from the amount of soap he had gotten, Eren’s guess about Levi being a neatfreak had been spot on, no pun intended.  Okay, maybe it was intended just a little bit.  Anyway, they had all passed in their gifts to Levi except him, talking about funny stories and old memories with a sense of nostalgia that wrapped around everyone like a warm blanket; everyone except Eren, who was left shivering.  

        He used the opportunity to observe, a hobby he was fond of in new social situations.  He listened to the words roll of their tongues and paint pictures in front of him, listening so intently that he almost felt like he was there.  Eren watched the way Levi interacted with them, so comfortable it bordered on affectionate, so comfortable it hurt.  He tried to squash his feelings of inadequacy, but it was hopeless.  

        Eren was sitting right next to him and their thighs touched on the couch and he could feel it each time Levi took a breath and his heart beat was so loud in his ears and yet...  How could he ever expect to breach this inner circle?  He had only known the guy for a couple months.  He did not belong, but oh God what he would give to belong to Levi.

        “Oi, Eren.  Did you get me a present or what?” Levi nudged him, breaking him out of his stupor.

        “Uh, y-yeah, course I did.  Let me…” Eren rummaged around amidst the pile of discarded gift bags, envelopes and wrapping paper.  He picked up a weighty box that rattled slightly in his shaking grip.  “Happy birthday,” he said past the nervous knot in his throat and handed it over.

        Levi placed it on his lap and tore the wrapping paper off with an agonizing slowness.  Eren wondered if he did it on purpose just to torture him, or solely because he was a meticulous bastard that didn’t like to make a mess.  Both seemed likely.  Either way, it was working.

        When the gift was unwrapped and the box was opened, Levi didn’t say anything at first.  Eren’s mind was moving a mile a minute, full blown panic mode setting in.  It was a ridiculous gift, he hated it and thought it was the weirdest thing he had ever gotten, why the fuck wasn’t he saying anything?  But as soon as Levi lifted the teapot and matching cups out of the box, gently, tenderly, all of Eren’s doubts flew out of his head.

        He looked at them in what could almost be called awe, fingers tracing the porcelain in bewildered silence.  Then he looked up at Eren, silver eyes boring straight into him.  “They’re beautiful,” he eventually said.

        Eren felt his cheeks blazing, so he ducked his head under Levi’s intense stare and shrugged in a breath.  “I know you want to have your own tea shop someday, and I just saw it and… Yeah.”

        Levi nodded, almost to himself.  “Thank you,” he said quietly.

        Eren rubbed the back of his neck and grinned a little.  “No problem.”

        The silver eyes stared at him for a second longer, looking more distracted than Eren had ever seen them.  Levi shook his head and cleared his throat, then stood up from the couch.  He held up his finger in a ‘one second’ gesture and disappeared down the narrow hallway, leaving Eren looking a little lost.

        He returned a moment later with a neatly wrapped present and tossed it in Eren’s lap, nonchalance back stronger than ever.  “Merry Christmas brat.”

        “For me?” He had to ask to be sure.

        “I gave these guys their presents already.  I was just going to wait until after the break, but you’re here now.” Levi shrugged and flopped back down in his seat, his arm falling on the back of the couch.

        Eren tried not to seem startled, but failed miserably.  Oh come on, Levi’s arm was practically around him for Christ’s sake!  He did his best to turn his attention to the package in  front of him.  He managed to open it up after a minute of struggling with the pound of scotch tape Levi seemed to be fond of, and found himself holding a red sweater.  He held it up, and before he could even thank Levi, he spoke.

        “Try it on.” Levi jerked his chin towards the bathroom.

        “Now?” Eren asked thickly.  

        “Yes, now.” Levi answered, his whole being seeping impatience.  

        So Eren went to the bathroom, which was as spotless as the rest of the apartment.  He stripped of his shirt and put on the sweater like he was on autopilot.  Here he was, modeling for Levi again, this time in front of all of his friends.  And he wasn’t so much as putting up a fight.  Fuck, he was wrapped around this guys little finger.

        Before he left the bathroom he took a deep breath to steady himself, and Eren almost hit the floor.  It smelled identical to Levi, almost as if he was wrapped around him.  Clean, like fresh soap, and somehow smoky warm, maybe charcoal covered canvas and pencil shavings?  All he knew for sure was the it was Levi.  Familiar.  Comforting.  And sexy as hell.

        Once he had composed himself, he peeked his head timidly out the door.  All conversation in the room immediately halted and the silence seemed to scream.

        “Come out.” Levi ordered, and Eren felt himself obeying whether he liked it or not.  

        He walked out and wrapped his sleeves around his hands, hiding in their folds.  “I didn’t get to look in the mirror in there, I don’t really know if red’s my colour.  It probably looks kinda shitty on me, but it’s a nice sweater-”

        “Shut up, of course it doesn’t look shitty.” Levi interrupted.  He sat up straight and was looking at him in that way again, that hungry way where his gaze devoured everything that it landed on.  “I picked it out myself.  It looks just how I thought it would.”

        A bashful smile grew on Eren’s face, and he thought he may keel over in joy.  “Yeah?”

        Levi’s eyes met his again and something sparked on Eren’s skin.  When Levi spoke, his voice was low and husky.  “Yeah.  Trust me.”

 

 ****  


 

 


	11. Mountains and Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It's been such a long time since I posted, but I'm back from my trip. I had a really great time! Anyway, I'll be continuing to post every Monday from now on, I'd guess there's going to be about another six chapters? That's totally subject to change, though. Feel free to post any predictions for what's going to happen next, or any tips!

        Eren sighed and let himself relax onto the couch, the leather cradling him perfectly.  Wind howled outside and rattled the windows, but he paid it no mind.  His father was working, no surprise there, but for once his sister had plans for the evening.  Her friend Sasha, the one from Eren's history class, was having a slumber party with a bunch of other girls.  Mikasa hadn't been keen to go at first, but as soon as Eren found out he wanted to pack her overnight bag and push her out the door.  He loved his sister, he did, but it wouldn't kill her to go out once in a while and let him have the house to himself.

        Not like he had plans besides Netflix on the couch.  He was wrapped in blankets like a burrito and eating an unhealthy amount of candy canes, even though it was the last weekend of winter break and the Christmas decorations were long gone.  But that was alright with him, just being alone in the house was enough.  Nice and relaxing-

        Of course, that was when the power went out.  

        He jumped and had to laugh a little, the sound echoing about him in the dim living room. So much for Netflix.  No big deal.  He loved it when the power went out actually, it was kind of fun to light all the candles and just tune out the rest of the world.  

        Eren grabbed his phone to use it as a flashlight, since the only light came through the windows from the street lamps outside.  He glanced towards them and thought he saw a dark figure lumber underneath the pools of light.  His heart seemed to fall to his toes and he crept forwards to peek out into the white whirlwind, floorboards creaking underfoot.  When he reached the casement, he saw nothing.  Repressing a shiver, he went to the kitchen to grab a couple candles and a lighter from the cabinet.

        Minutes later he was back on the couch and  burning flames were scattered throughout the room.  He was cloaked in his blankets once again, but the previous relaxed and cozy atmosphere had disappeared like the stranger in the snow.  He hunched his shoulders and fidgeted with the loose threads of his shirt.  He was sure it was nothing, just his eyes playing tricks on him.  It was bound to happen when he was wound so tight like this.  Alone in the blackness of the house.  

        It reminded him of when he, Mikasa and his parents would go camping on the beach.  They would light a bonfire and gather round under the stars to talk and sing.  As the night grew older and older, the innocent fairy tales would blossom into ghost stories.  Terrifying accounts of dead sailors haunting the seashore and monsters howling in the woods would send Mikasa and Eren into the mother’s embrace, shivering with fear.  Now that he thought back on it, their father always told the best ghost stories and their mother always made sure they rested easy.

        A bang sounded on the door, filling up Eren's chest with a dull thud.  He froze in terror as the silence pulled goosebumps up from his skin.  The image of the black figure under the illuminated street outside flashed in his head.

        Another bang came on the wood, louder than before.  More followed after that, picking up tempo with a sense of urgency.  In accordance with some survival instinct he didn't even know he had, Eren grabbed the closest thing he had to a weapon: the broomstick stashed in the linen closet.  He slunk to the doorframe and tried to quiet his breaths as much as he could, but it felt like someone had wrapped their fingers around his lungs and refused to let go.  He gripped the broom tighter to keep it from falling out of his shaking fingers.  Then, hefting his weapon on his shoulder, he opened the door and jumped backwards.

        A whirl of bitter snow and freezing rain whipped it's way inside the house.  Eren was nearly blinded, and he took a few steps backwards just as a stranger staggered inside.  They swayed slightly from side to side, until finally they reached a hand towards the hood of their jacket.  They tore the sopping hood off their head and revealed their face in the flickering cable light.

        "Levi?" Eren's mouth fell open in spite of himself and his dropped the broomstick in surprising, letting it clatter to the floor.

        Levi fumbled with his zipper and managed to take off his coat.  He tried to hang it on the coat rack, but it slid to the floor as soon as he turned his back.  "Hey, Eren."

        "What..?" Eren couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence. How could you blame him, really?

        "Don't just stand there lookin' like a fuckin' fish outta water.  Shut the door, it's cold as balls." His voice was so slurred it was hard to understand him and he teetered on his feet.

        "I know it's cold as balls outside, so why are you here?" Eren finally said, getting to his feet and closing the door.  He was so stunned he wasn't sure what to do, but closing that door seemed like a good start.

        "Do you not want me here?  'Cuz I can go." Levi jerked his thumb towards the door and his body tipped with it.

        "Don't be stupid, it's fine.  Sit on the couch before you trip," The host took him by the arm and had to sit him down.  "But why are you here? How did you- Did you walk here?  Oh my god, don't tell me you walked a mile in the storm.  Not like this." Eren groaned and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes.  He couldn't bear the thought of Levi wandering around in the cold, piss drunk and incoherent.

        "Course I walked.  Don't drive." He drawled, sinking deeper into the couch.

        "That's right, you don't own a car.  But why didn't you call a goddamn taxi?" Eren asked in exasperation.

        "You don't get it.  Don't like drivin', don't like cars, nothin'." Levi said.

        Eren furrowed his brow and took a deep breath to clear his head.  Before he could think much about what Levi had said, he almost keeled over from the scent of alcohol wafting off his guest.  "How much did you drink tonight?"

        Levi leaned back and stared at the ceiling in deep thought.  "Lots," he laughed in a way that sent chills up Eren's spine.  "Lots and lots."

        Eren chewed his lip as he saw the dark stains all over Levi's clothes.  They spread like ink through the fabric.  When he got gutsy enough to lean forward and brush the fabric with his fingertips, the spots were cold and damp.  "I think half of it ended on your shirt.  C'mon, follow me," he said, grabbing a candle.

        Levi stumbled to his feet and held onto the back of Eren's shirt.  "Okay," he said and followed behind like a child, clinging to the fabric in his hands.

        Eren first grabbed some bottled water from the kitchen, then he lead him to the bathroom and seated him on the edge of the bathtub.  The power was still out, so it was kind of hard to see by just the one candle, but he could make out Levi's face and that was enough.

        Eren had to wonder why Levi was like this.  He had never seen him drink before, not even at his birthday party.  The guy had never even talked about getting wasted at some high school dance.  For all Eren knew, Levi had never had so much as a cheap wine cooler.  And even if Levi was the type to get wild at a party, it was a lonely and cold Friday night.  There were no celebrations to speak of in such a storm.  So what the hell had caused him to drink himself into oblivion?

        "I feel dirty." Levi murmured uneasily, shifting his weight and almost falling into the tub.

        "I know, here, I'll help you.  Ah...  You should- you should take off your shirt.  I'll wash it for you," Eren said thickly.

        So the drunken boy slid off his shirt without complaint and tossed it clumsily.  He sat there, bare chested, and barely seemed to notice. Like it was no big deal.

        But it was a big deal, and Eren gripped the soiled shirt tightly because if he focused on that he wouldn't stare.  Sure, Levi was well built.  He was compact and muscled, your classic hot bod: hard abs, broad shoulders, strapping chest and thick arms.  The only difference was that he was smaller, but perfectly proportioned.

        Well, and there was the ropy scars that crisscrossed his entire torso.  They coiled under his collar bones and slipped around his arms and oh Christ they even wreathed his ribcage. Shining white in the candlelight, the scars were puckered and raised over his body like mountain ranges.  There wasn't just lines, either.  Burn marks, splotchy and angry and red, bloomed on his skin.  Poisonous flowers and their roots.

        "Here.  Get yourself cleaned up, I'll grab you some dry clothes." Eren blurted and shoved the bottle of water and a facecloth into Levi's hands.  He practically ran out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him, trying to stop his heart beating so fast.   _What the fuck had happened to him?_

        You know what? It didn't matter, it wasn't really Eren's business anyway.  Besides, he still clearly remembered what had happened the last time he had poked his nose where it didn't belong.  Levi had been angrier than he had ever seen him.  He didn't feel like repeating that experience any time soon.  Asking questions would just cause trouble.

        And yet, in all their talks and exchanges of stories that were, admittedly, too personal to tell anyone else, Levi had never told him about this.  Eren had seen just a sliver of one scar before, when Levi's shirt had fallen in just the right way, but he figured it was a one time thing.  Surgery maybe, or something as simple as falling out of a tree when he was a kid.  But falling out of a tree wouldn't tear you to bits and burn you up.

        A little while later, Levi wandered back to the living room.  Eren had to swallow hard at the sight of Levi, sleepy and disheveled.  He was wearing only a tight t shirt and a pair of sweatpants that were too big for him.  They pooled at his feet and they hung low on his hips and showed a strip of skin and they were Eren's.  

        "You don't mind me sleepin' here?" Levi asked even as he sank onto the couch.  He seemed exhausted.

        Eren grabbed a blanket and a pillow from the closet for his guest.  "Of course not, Levi.  I'm gonna sleep on the Lay-Z boy, so I'm right here if you need anything, okay?" Eren assured him.  

        "Thanks, Eren.  G'night." Levi mumbled and disappeared under the blanket. Within moments his breathing slowed and deepened.

  "Goodnight, Levi," Eren whispered and blew out the candles, leaving them in darkness.


	12. Pancakes and Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you guys with that unsatisfying ending last chapter, originally these two chapters were going to be one but I realized it was too long. So, I just cut it in half. Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter!

        A broken cry rang out in the black of the room.  It was loud and sharp and tore from the silence with a ripping sound.

        Eren sat up so fast it made his head swim and he put out his hands to steady himself.  He glanced frantically from side to side, trying to find the source of the noise, disorienting himself even more.

        "No!  I need to see them!" The voice pleaded into the dark like a sinner selling his soul.

        Eren slowly made his way from the recliner to the couch.  He let his eyes adjust and was able to make out the scene before him.  Immediately his heart started to sink.

        Levi lay on his back, struggling against the blankets.  Sweat shone on his forehead and his face was contorted.  "No! Fucking let me go!" He snarled, his back arching up off the couch into the air.

        "Levi! Levi, wake up, it's Eren." Eren murmured.  He reached out his fingertips to wake him as gently as he could, but the sleeping boy twisted away.

        "Don't touch me!  Where are they?" He bellowed and thrashed about, trying to get free from whatever invisible bonds that held him.  Desperation made him fight all that much harder, until his chest was heaving and his breaths came hard and fast.

        Eren could barely move as he witnessed the nightmare play out before him.  He wanted to wake Levi, but it was tricky to get close with him flailing.

        "Fuck, oh my God, oh shit!" His voice was anxious, and it rose to a painful crescendo.  " _Isabel!  Farlan!_ " Levi changed to a full on wailing now, howling at the ceiling above him like a mournful wolf at the sky.  He screamed the names over and over again.  "Wake up, god damn it!  Please, Izzy, wake up.  Farlan, come on!" He begged and he sobbed and he prayed to whatever it was he believed in.

        "Levi, Levi it’s not real!" Eren couldn't take any more.  He was finally able to grab his shoulders and give him a good shake, but it was no use.  It seemed like Levi was trapped in this memory until it played out until the very end.  And with a horrible rush of remembrance, Eren knew the horrific finale.

        Last year, around the same time, there was an incident.  Eren heard about it on social media graveyards, since back then he lived a couple towns over.  But it was hard for the gossip not to travel in communities like these.

        The story was that three teenagers were driving home late one evening when they were t-boned by an eighteen wheeler.  The car was completely totalled, it took the jaws of life to pry the doors open.  Two of the teenagers died on scene from their injuries, and even the driver of the eighteen wheeler died when the gas tank ignited.  Paramedics said it was pretty bad.

        There was only one survivor; the teenage driver.  He was touch and go for a good while in hospital.  He was there for weeks, Eren couldn't remember how long exactly.  Broken bones, internal bleeding, third degree burns, torn apart head to toe...  Everything that could've happened to this kid did.  But somehow, he lived.

        The entire thing was a freak accident and everyone knew it; there was nothing the drivers could have done.  It made it all the worse, in a sick way.  No one was drinking or speeding, they were wearing their seat belts, all that happened was the snow.  It made it a little hard to see and the roads got just a bit too icy.  Some simple winter weather took three lives on one night a year ago.

        "I'm sorry..." Levi's body eventually sagged and curled in on itself.  "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault... I should have seen him coming... It's all my fault..." He cried.  He looked so small, his body shivering uncontrollably.  His chest still hitched sporadically, still gasping for air.  It looked like he was drowning.

        "Levi, it's okay.  I'm here." Eren said, trying to soothe the pain on his sleeping face.  He reached out and stroked Levi's sweat soaked hair away from his furrowed brow.  His skin was damp and clammy, but Eren paid it no mind.  He couldn't bear to think about what his mind was replaying for him.

        Levi took a shaky breath, his lips parting slight pop.  He exhaled out just three whispered words before slipping into the grips of sleep, three whispered words that chilled Eren to the bone.  When he would try to rest that night, they would echo in his ears again.  He would stay awake for hours more, staring at Levi’s form on the couch, a murmur persistent and dark gripping it’s claws in his memory.

        " _I killed you._ "

* * *

        Obviously, Eren didn’t rest much.  But when the winter sun came glaring through the living room windows, he managed to slide off the recliner.  His head felt as though it had been stuffed with cotton and he blinked his heavy eyelids.  All that he wanted, more than anything, was to walk down the hall and collapse into his bed.  The more he thought about it, the more he could imagine the softness of his mattress and the warmth of his blankets.  He couldn’t go back to bed, though.  He had to make breakfast for his guest and himself.

        He checked the power and was relieved to see it was back on.  He didn't really know much about what Levi liked to eat, but he figured pancakes would be nice.  Who doesn't like pancakes?  No one, that's who.  Plus, Eren made kick-ass pancakes, so it seemed like the safest bet.  He also decided to make some tea, because that was something he knew Levi loved.  It comforted him and made his mood better with just a few sips.  And, he even one of Levi's favourite kinds of tea, jasmine.  Eren didn't like to admit that after Levi informed him how much he liked that specific blend that he went and got some to try for himself.  He thought it tasted gross, like eating a damn flower, but whatever.  He could have it ready for Levi when he woke up.

        Speak of the devil.  Levi came into the kitchen and blinked hard against the sunlight.  Not to be mean, but he looked like absolute shit.  His hair was greasy and stuck to scalp, his eyes were bloodshot, and was that stubble on his jaw?  He groaned and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.  “Fuck.”

        “Hey, how you feeling?” Eren paused in his cooking.  “That was a stupid question, you probably feel like crap.  Here, sit at the table, I’ll grab you an aspirin,” he said and hurried to the cupboard.

        Levi did as he was told, moving with stiff limbs and slow movements.  Every step looked painful and he grimaced as he lowered himself into a chair.  “I’m never drinking again.”

        Eren came over with a glass of water and a little pill in hand.  He handed it over.  “That bad of a hangover, huh?” He chuckled nervously.

        “Yeah.” Levi swallowed the pill and didn’t say anything else.  He just ran his hands through his dirty hair and let his head rest there.

        Eren continued to make their breakfast, humming softly to himself to try and lighten the mood.  Batter sizzled in the pan and filled the entire kitchen with a warm, delicious smell that he breathed all the way into his chest.  It was only a few minutes before the table was set with a stack of pancakes drizzled with syrup and a pot of tea for Levi, a cup of coffee for Eren.

        Levi eyed the food uneasily.  He looked a little green.

        “They say a greasy breakfast is the best thing after a night drinking,” Eren told him as he started to dig into his own plateful.  “You should eat something.  I made you tea, too.”

        So Levi put a pancake on his plate and poured himself a cup of tea.  “Thanks,” he said.  He ate a little of his breakfast and sipped on his tea in silence except for the scraping of utensils against plates.  The quiet was almost painful.  After a long pause he spoke.  “I don’t remember much of what happened last night,” Levi admitted.  He didn’t lift his gaze up from the table and his voice was soft.

        Eren put down his fork.  “Well, uh, it was around 11 last night or so when you showed up at my door.  You were pretty drunk, you could barely stand up.  Somehow, though, you had managed to walk the mile to my house from your place in the middle of a snow storm.  I have no idea how you did that.

        “Anyway, you’d spilled liquor all over yourself, so I helped you get cleaned up and gave you a change of clothes,” Eren’s eyes flickered to Levi’s chest.  He knew what was hidden underneath the fabric there.  And when he looked back up to meet Levi’s eyes, he knew Levi knew, too.  

        He cleared his throat and kept telling the story.  “Then I made up a bed for you on the couch and I stayed on the Lay-Z-Boy incase you needed anything.  You, uh… You had some nightmares last night.”

        Levi blanched and swallowed thickly.  “That I do remember.”  He looked scared and so, so young.  Even with the stubble and the scars and the muscle, he seemed almost...  Breakable.  Like one more push, one more memory might make him shatter.  “It was one year exactly yesterday.”

        Eren nodded and didn’t say anything.  What else was there to say?  That he was sorry his friends were dead and he wasn’t?  That he wished he could help him, more than he had wished for anything in a long time?  No, there wasn’t anything he could tell Levi.  There wasn’t anything he could do but make him pancakes and tea.

* * *

 

        Eren and Levi returned to school after winter break and life continued as normal, or whatever had constituted as normal before.  Pencil shavings, paint stains, sweater threads and warm paper cups, right?  Long walks on shattered concrete and stares that were as clear as a smoky room.  This is what had defined them in a physical sense, and that all kept on going.  Nothing had outright changed, and yet everything was different now.  It was like coming home and finding all of the furniture in your house moved an inch to the left; a subtle notion that something wasn't the same.   Knowledge had the tendency to do that.  It was a powerful thing, one that couldn't easily be erased.  Eren didn't know if he wanted to erase what he knew or not.  

        Of course, what had happened to Levi was awful.  If there was any way he could erase that, he would, but he knew it was impossible.  The thing that was shocking, yet almost pleasing, to Eren was the fact that Levi came to him.  His house.  

        Maybe Erwin and Hange and Mike all lived farther away, too far to reach in the storm.  Perhaps, in his drunken stupor, Levi had even wandered into his yard by accident.  And yet, there was still a part of him wondering about the fact that Levi had still walked a mile to his front door and asked for him.  So Eren had helped him, had seen him at his weakest and walked through his dark crevices.  And the next morning, Levi hadn't run.  Neither of them had.

        So maybe the difference between them wasn't an estrangement, because it certainly didn't feel like that.  More of an unspoken closeness that comes from a shared secret only said in the dark.  He heard it when Levi asked him if he wanted to hang out at the coffee shop, felt it when he brushed against him in the hall at school, saw it when he watched Levi button up his coat to walk him home.

        It was all so tempting and tantalizing it hurt.  He ached to believe that the signs pointed in the right direction and that the stop lights flashed green.  All Eren wanted to do was tell him what he thought, to kiss his bow of a mouth, to trace the maps on his chest to wherever they may lead him.  But he couldn't, because what if he lost this precious thing he had now?  He couldn't read Levi.  The boy was a language Eren had heard and seen, but never quite knew enough words to speak it himself.  He didn't even know for sure if Levi was gay.

        No.  It was too much of a gamble, and he was never much one for cards, anyway.

        So Eren went back to school after winter break and life continued as normal.

 


	13. Poster Boards and High School Courts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so worried as to how this chapter was going to turn out, especially since I don't write many action scenes, but I think I did alright with this one. Hopefully everyone likes it, I really thought it was time to shake thing sup a bit. If you enjoy this fic, it would be awesome if you could share it, or tell your friends about it. Thank you so much for all of the lovely support I've been getting!

        “Hey, Eren.  We’re buddies, right?” Jean asked in the locker room after gym class.   He tried his best to sound nonchalant, and did an awful job of it.

        “Shit head.  What do you want?” Eren sighed and rolled his eyes.  It was easy to tell when Jean wanted something, he had used the same voice when he had tried to get Eren on the soccer team.

        “I never said I wanted anything!” Jean snapped.  “Even if I did, I wouldn’t ask you.” He huffed and pulled his shirt over his head.  The sleeves caught on his elbows, and for a moment he flailed until his head and arms popped through the appropriate holes.

        Eren couldn’t help but laugh.  “Fine.  Stop talking about it then.” He suggested.

        Jean didn’t say anything until the moment that Eren was about to walk out the door.  “I need your help.” He burst out in desperation.

        Eren faked a shocked expression.  “You need my help?  Well, we’re best buddies, so I’ll do my best.  What can I do for you, pal?” He teased.

        The other boy promptly turned red and wouldn’t lift his eyes up from the floor.  He looked like he wished he hadn’t said anything at all.  He mumbled something under his breath, but Eren couldn’t make it out.

        “What?  I can’t hear you.” He said with a frown and crossed his arms.  “Look, I’m serious.  What do you need?  I won’t laugh.”

        “I _said_ , do you think you could get me a date with Mikasa?” He asked tightly, still not meeting Eren’s gaze.

        “Mikasa?  My sister, Mikasa?" Eren snapped.  He strode forwards with power in his stride and felt his fingers twitch.  "What the hell is wrong with you?"

        “Look, I really like her.  She sits next to me in English class and homeroom, and I’ve wanted to ask her out since you guys moved here, but I don’t know how.”  His eyes got kind of a far away look, then he blinked back into focus.  “Can you help me?  Please?” He begged.

        Eren could feel a snarky retort forming and he was about to refuse, but he was struck by the memory of when he first saw Levi.  Mysterious, beautiful.  Untouchable.  He could understand the situation Jean was in, because he himself had been in the same place.  In a way, he still was.

        “Fine.  I’ll help, ” Eren heard himself sigh.  At least he knew Jean, and even though he was kind of asshole, overall he was a good guy.  Better than some random stranger only trying to get into his sister’s pants.  “But I’m warning you, there’s no guarantee she’ll say yes.” He said sternly.

        Jean didn’t seem to hear the last part.  He was too busy grinning like a fool and fist pumping the air.  “Hell yeah!”

* * *

        “So what’s the plan?” Jean dug his elbow into Eren’s ribs the next day.  He had found him in the hall during a break between classes and was almost vibrating with excited energy.

        “Calm down lover boy. She’s not gonna go out with you if you’re such a dork.”  Eren said.  Jean glared at him, and Eren nodded.  “That’s better.  Now you look like her type."

        “Stop joking around.  What do I do?  Hey, maybe I could offer to walk her home?” Jean suggested.

        Eren frowned for a moment.  “That won’t work, she walks home with Armin and me.  Besides, you live a bus ride away, don't you?  Walking her home would be stupid, and she would call you out on it right away.”  

        Jean raised his eyebrows.  “This is gonna be harder than I thought,” he said.  “It’ll be worth it, of course.” He hurried to add when Eren gave him a harsh look.

        “Of course it will.  I would mention I’ll kick your ass if you hurt her, but she’ll probably beat me to it.” Eren said with a devilish grin.  The guy might as well know what he was getting into right from the start.

Jean blanched and nodded quickly.  “Alright, got it.  Now what?”

        “What’s something you know she likes to do?” Eren asked.  He could just tell him, but he was curious what Jean knew about her, if he knew anything at all.

        “Well… She said she has a basketball game coming up against the Maria Titans, and I heard she’s really good.  I could go with you and we could cheer her on?” He suggested.

        Eren nodded his head, trying not to show that he was impressed.  “Good idea, me and Armin were planning on going anyway.  We’ll meet you here on Saturday then, you can tag along.”

        Jean’s face cracked into a genuine smile.  “I’ll be there!  Thanks, Eren.”

* * *

 

        “ _How the fuck do I do this?  Holy shit she’s gonna reject me and stomp on me holy shit.  This is the end.  I’m gonna die._ ”

        “Shut the fuck up, Jean.  Get over yourself.”

        "Don't worry is what Eren means, right, Eren?" Admin smiled at Jean in support, but Eren just rolled his eyes.

        "Seriously man, it's gonna be fine.  Worst thing she could do is say no, right?" He said.

        "Exactly!  Saying no is a bad thing Jaeger," Jean shuddered.  "And you know Mikasa.  Her 'no' will probably suck out my soul."

        They all went to the bleachers in the gymnasium and grabbed courtside seats.  The girl's basketball team, the Rose High Scouts, was pretty well renowned in the area, and very popular.  The audience went all out with banners, and some even wore face paint.  Parents, students, and even talent scouts always populated the crowd.

        Mikasa was warming up with her team mates, doing drills to get their blood pumping.  The forest green jerseys shone under the fluorescent lights, showing off the Scouts logo. She eventually caught sight of Armin and her brother waving, and gave them a nod.  Her expression changed into something that was almost surprise or confusion.  Not much surprises or confuses Mikasa.

        "What was that look for?" Jean asked.

"She's probably wondering what you're doing here.  Oh well, she'll find out soon enough.  God, this is gonna be hilarious," Eren snorted.  He glanced over at Jean, waiting for a snarky retort.  He was disappointed when Jean's face just looked crestfallen.  "Hey, you okay?"

        Jean rubbed the back of his neck.  "I dunno, Eren.  Do you... Do you think she might actually go out with me?  I don't wanna screw this up, man."

        Eren was taken aback, he didn't expect Jean to be so worked up over this.  He also realized with a wave of guilt that his teasing probably hadn't helped the guy's confidence, either.  God, he was being such a dick head and he hadn't even realized!  

        So he gave Jean the advice he wished that someone would tell him about Levi.  "Jean, you're a good guy.  You're a smartass, but you've got a good head on your shoulders, you're good-looking...  Most importantly, I know that you could make Mikasa happy.  And that's the most anyone could ask for." Eren's voice started out strong but reduced to a mumble as the words poured out of him.  His cheeks got hot as he realized he had probably said too much.  He usually did.

        But instead of blowing off what had been said, or getting all weird about emotions and things, Jean broke into a grin.  He clapped his hand on Eren's shoulder and his voice was sincere when he spoke.  "Thanks, Eren," He said, then leaned forwards so only Eren could hear him.  "Good luck with Levi."

        Eren froze in shock and mainly terror.  His heart pounded a mile a minute in his chest and his mind started racing in a way it only had twice before.

        The first time had been when he had told Mikasa and Armin he was gay, which had been about three years ago or so now.  She had just shrugged and said that she was fine kicking the shit out of any boyfriends instead of girlfriends, they were easier to beat up anyways.  Armin had told him that he was happy that Eren knew who made him happy, and that he loved him no matter what.  

        The second time was when he had come out to his mom, that was only two years ago.  He had been so scared that she would shun him, that she wouldn't understand or call him disgusting.  Instead, she had cried tears of joy, because she was so glad Eren trusted her enough to tell her.  She told him how perfect he was, and that he could love anyone he wanted as long as they had a good heart.  And when he asked that she didn't tell Grisha, she didn't ask questions.  She had just listened.  

        "H-how did you-" He tried to stammer out a sentence, but his brain was moving faster than his mouth.

        "It's obvious man, but don't worry, he'd be stupid not to like you, too," Jean assured him like it was no big deal.  "Hey, look!  The game's starting."

* * *

        By the time the final quarter of the game arrived, the two teams were tied.  The Scouts had a group of skilled players, but the Titans outnumbered them and towered overhead.  Eren's hands were buzzing from clapping and his throat felt dry from cheering his sister on.  She had completely owned the court, dribbling circles around everyone and guarding her girl like a Rottweiler.  That was the thing about why Mikasa was such a good player, and why she succeeded at almost everything she did: she was well rounded beyond belief.  She worked on all skills in everything, including defence and offence in basketball.

        Jean was perched on the edge of his seat.  He was practically buzzing with nervous energy, his legs bouncing on the bleachers.  If it was from the excitement of the game, or his big moment coming up, Eren couldn't be sure.  

        "It's the last shift, look, Mikasa is on the court!  They have to make a basket in the next ninety seconds, or it's a tie and neither team moves on to the end of the season tournament.  Statistically, considering their last game history, the Scouts usually come back in the last quarter, but they're really pushing it.  She should go in for a corner bank shot, 45 degrees would be best," Armin rambled, waving his hands and pointing about the court.  

        Eren gave him a sideways look of confusion.  "Since when do you know anything about sports?"

        Armin shrugged bashfully.  "I don't know sports, not really, but I know math and I know strategy."

        The trio returned their attention to the game and watched as the girls ran past.  Sneakers squeaked on rubber floors and voices shouted back and forth.  It was fast and chaotic, because the game was a living, breathing thing.  And it did not wait for anyone.

        Then, in a blur of movement, Mikasa ducked under her opponent's arm and snatched the ball.  She pounded it into the floor as she flew up the court.  She switched the ball from hand to hand and dodged anyone in her path.  It looked effortless.  Mikasa _made_ it look effortless.  

        The Titans scrambled behind her but it was too late.  She was closing in on the basket.  She skidded to a stop and set up for her shot.  The whole gym held its breath.  As cliché as it sounds, all the noise seemed to fade away, until the only thing Eren could hear was the swish of the net as Mikasa sunk the basket.

        The silence didn't last long before the crowd positively erupted.  Everyone was on their feet, banners waving and fans shouting.  The Scouts swarmed around Mikasa and enveloped her in a team hug, shouting in joy.  Eren saw her smiling and pushing her dark hair out of her eyes.  He managed to catch her eye and grinned, jerking his thumb towards Jean next to him.

        Jean was on his feet, holding a poster board above his head.  In bright bubble letters that he had painstakingly drawn the night before, spelled out a question.  "#9, WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"  His face was smiling, but his eyes betrayed how nervous he was.  Eren's heart went out to him, and he wondered what Jean was thinking.

        The girl in question seemed almost apathetic, but she left her teammates and walked to the side of the court.  Mikasa had her hands on her hips and eyed Jean up and down like a wildcat.  She was unreadable.

        Jean slowly let his sign fall to his side and just stood there.  He looked at her for a beat or two, his mind clearly racing.  He opened his mouth to speak, probably to plead his case, but he never got the chance.

        Mikasa reached up and gripped his shirt collar.  She yanked his down so his face was level to her own, and kissed him in a way that made the entire audience lose their minds.  Eren whooped and tried not to have too much of a shit eating grin.  Even Armin cheered the pair on.

        When Mikasa pulled away, Jean blinked slowly, in a total daze.  She shook her head at him and let the smallest of smiles slip onto her face.

        "Took you long enough."

 ****  
  



	14. Hard Questions and Red Decorations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe last chapter got so many reads! Thank you so much everyone, it really is encouraging when so many people enjoy my story. Hopefully this chapter will be just as satisfying~

       "Oi, Eren.  I've been meaning to ask you something," Levi said one February afternoon.  The pair were seated at the usual table in the café.  They had started to hang out there so often that they always took the same spot by the window, and no one else ever used it.  Eren liked to think of it as 'their' table.

       "What's up? I-is something wrong?" Eren asked, his words rushing out in a hurry.  It was hard not to get panicky when people said things like 'I've been meaning to ask you something' or 'We need to talk'.  They automatically made his stomach sink.  Nothing good could come of those words.

       "Shit, calm down.  Nothing's wrong," Levi raised his eyebrows in amusement.  "I just want you to model for the club on Friday."

       Eren swallowed and knew his gut had been right.  To Levi, nothing may be wrong, but for Eren, not so much.  "Really?  Why me?" He asked and fidgeted in his seat.  

       Levi placed his forearms on the table and leaned forward.  "You're good, everyone likes you, and most importantly, everyone likes drawing you," he insisted.  He could be persuasive when he wanted to be.  Most people couldn't withstand his steely gaze, and he knew it, too.

       Eren wanted more than anything to turn Levi down.  He had no desire to be the centre of attention like that again, everyone critiquing his every feature, his every flaw.  He hated modelling with a passion.  He wasn't even getting paid for it.  And yet...  "Well, if you want me to, I don't see why not," he found himself saying.  

       Levi nodded and slipped backwards into his chair again.  He went back to his tea without a word, looking out the window in thought.  A smile ghosted across his face.

        _Bastard_ , Eren swore to himself.  It seemed like he was a glutton for punishment wherever Levi was involved.  Of course, he admitted, that was nothing new.

* * *

       A few days later, Eren rolled out of bed.  Grogginess clung to him like a second skin and he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.  He'd been plagued by restlessness the evening before, but now in the bleary fog of morning he couldn't remember why he'd been so high strung.  Whatever it was, he hadn't gotten much sleep, and now he was tired as all hell.  He almost knocked one of his seashells off his dresser as he stumbled towards it.

       He wasn't able to bring himself to think too much about anything, much less what to wear, but one thing he knew for certain was that he was freezing his ass off.  So far this winter had not been kind, especially for someone who didn't have ready access to a car.  So, he slipped on the red sweater Levi had bought him for Christmas and a pair of jeans that had seen better days.  Hey, they were comfy, that was the most important thing.  As tired as he felt, it turned out Eren had slept in and was now running late.  Before he really even had the chance to wake up, Mikasa tossed him some lunch money and his winter jacket, and they were out the door.

       It wasn't until he reached school in the bitter cold that he woke up and realized two very important things all at once.  He clued in as soon as Levi passed him a cup of coffee (he swore that guy had some kind of sixth sense when it came to Eren craving a mugful) and they opened the doors into the school lobby.  

      The first thing that Eren remembered was that he was modelling for the art club that day and he looked like a piece of shit.  That was what had kept him awake all last night, and then that morning he was so tired he couldn't think straight.  All the anxiety had came back and bit him in the ass.  Looking back on it, he couldn't remember if he had even combed his hair.  Was he wearing his sweater backwards?

       The second thing Eren realized made his stomach flip flop all over the place.  He couldn't believe he had forgotten this, it only happened once every year.  It was the day filled with the most pressure and the most heartbreak out of any day of the year.  Could it really be..?  No, the decorations draped from the ceiling didn't lie.

       It was Valentine's Day.

       Eren felt his mind starting to spin in circles.  Levi had asked him to model on Valentine's Day.  He had asked Eren to be his muse, to partake in his most private and passionate action, on the most romantic day of the year.  He tried to get a handle on his thoughts, but the train had

totally been derailed.  His brain acted of its own accord, playing out lovey dovey scenes that belonged in the latest romance blockbuster.  What if it wasn't just in his head?  What if had been planned?  What if, what if-

       "God, fucking hate Valentine's Day.  I forgot, can't believe I gotta put up with this shit today."

       "Ha, yeah, I know right?"

       So much for that.

       Eren had always been a hopeless romantic, even if he would never admit it.  Like most hopeless romantics, he had a turbulent relationship with Valentine's Day.  On one hand, he thought the idea of a day dedicated to love was sweet.  People always chose it as their date of confession, so lots of new couples fell in love, just like a fairytale.  Of course, there was also the chocolates and teddy bears and flowers.  Hell, someone could have given him a box of raisins, a threadbare stuffed dog and wilted daisies, and he would still feel special.  

       Then again, every single Valentine's Day that he could remember, Eren had spent alone.  Not literally by himself, his family and friends had always been there right beside him.  But he was alone.  So the day had always put a little pit in his heart that way, a little bitter that always seemed to cut through the sweet.

       Who would he have been with, anyway?  What would have happened if he had dropped a valentine into the popular boy's locker back in sixth grade?  He would've been mocked, shunned, thrown to the wolves, most likely.  That was a key difference between other people and himself.  Everyone always says "Just ask them out!  What do you have to lose?" What they didn't understand was that he could lose everything.  

       This year the idea rang true more than ever, so it was hard not to be miserable.  He walked from class to class with his head down, trying not to look at the red paper hearts and hear the voices whispering sweet nothings by locker doors.  But it was impossible to escape.  Even Jean and Mikasa walked through the halls hand in hand.  He had gotten her a red rose that had made her eyes roll, and yet she had tucked it in her hair behind her ear anyways.  It was honestly so cute that it made Eren nauseous.

       Or maybe that was because of his nerves tying themselves so tight he couldn't concentrate on anything for too long.  The end of the day was drawing nearer with each step he took, until the final bell rang.  He dragged his feet to the art room, even as people bumped into him.  

       He eventually slipped into the bathroom to try and soothe the seas raging inside himself.  They rocked him back and forth, swaying.  He gripped the countertop with white knuckles to stay on his feet.  The mirror seemed to distort the reflections it shouted back at him and he couldn't help but feel like an abomination.  

       He was sharp where he should've been soft, he was curved where he should've been straight.  

       Eyes too sad and too big, body too weak and too slouched, hair too plain and too boring.  

       He was useless, hopeless, spineless, powerless.  He was wrong.

       Why would anyone want him if he didn't even want himself?

       Eren's fingers released the counter and wound themselves into his brown hair.  It took all his might to resist the urge to pull the strands out from the roots.  He needed to calm down, he needed control.  

       So he closed his eyes and breathed all the ways to his toes.  Levi's scent still clung to the red sweater.  He imagined Levi on a sandy shore, baring his scars and not caring who saw.  His feet were stroked by the surf, and he glanced over his shoulder at Eren.  He almost smiled and jerked his chin.  A signal, asking him to follow.  And Eren did.

* * *

        Even though he was late, the art room was empty when Eren arrived.  Aside from Levi, of course, who was standing next to the picture window.  He whipped around as soon as Eren closed the door.  He tried to hide something that flashed across his face, but Eren still caught a glimpse.

       "Where is everyone?" Eren asked quietly as he looked about the room.  It hadn't escaped the student council's decorous rampage.  In all honesty, it looked nicer than anywhere else in the school.  Dark red petals were scattered on the floor and soft twinkling lights were hung from the ceiling.  It smelled like roses.

       Levi hitched his thumbs in his jeans' belt loops.  They fit him snugly, and so did his short-sleeved button up.  It pulled and stretched across his chest and shoulders in just the right ways. He looked hot as fuck, is what Eren was thinking.  "Wanted a private session," Levi said.  His voice was dark and thrummed all the way from his chest.

       Eren felt his throat threaten to close and render him speechless.  "A private session?" He croaked out.  This couldn't actually be happening, could it?

       "Yeah." Levi nodded at a chair and a table set up in the middle of the room.  He seated himself in front of an easel without waiting to see what Eren did.  He got comfortable, readied his private sketchbook and assortment of art supplies.

       Eren felt himself almost being dragged by some unseen force to stand in front of the artist.  "W-what do you want me to do?"

       "Sit on the chair like you did the first time.  Backwards, chin on your hands." Levi ordered.

       The muse obeyed, wrapping his legs awkwardly around the front of the chair like he did all those months ago.  He was hesitant and nervous, but Levi tore all those layers away, leaving him raw.  He wasted no time in starting to draw.  He was in his own head now, trapped there and soaking up the outside world through his eyes.

       And Eren was left to stare back at this boy before him, which was daunting behind measure.  There was most definitely something different this time, though, compared to September.  He wasn't as terrified, believe it or not.  He trusted Levi.  And being alone with him, like this...  It made him feel something like fire in his chest.

       Levi asked him to do a few more poses and sketched them all.  They were nothing difficult or out of the ordinary, until he stopped drawing.  "The table next," he said.

       Eren furrowed his brows.  The table?  What was he supposed to do on that?  

       Levi scowled.  "Get on the damn table," he waved a hand as Eren got to his feet.  "Yes, now lay back.  On your side."

       Eren took a deep breath and tried to slow his pulse even as it quickened.  He rested on his side on top of the table, almost shaking.  He cradled his head on his arms, looked up at Levi through his eyelashes and asked "Like this?"

       Levi almost seemed to swallow and blink a few times.  "Yeah, just like that," he said roughly and dragged his seat closer.  "Perfect."  He was only a foot or so away from Eren, who could see the dark blue flecks in his eyes.

       Pencils scratched into the silence as artist and muse breathed in harmony.  Eren could tell Levi was on a whole other level that day by the way he moved.  He practically swayed from side to side with each sweep of graphite, and it wasn't long before his pale fingers were smudged black.  Eren wanted to be touched by those hands, to melt into them and let them leave streaks on his skin.  He was almost vibrating on the table with nervous energy.  There was a tension, and Eren wasn't sure if he or it would shatter first.

       Levi paused in his work and came closer again, just inches now.  His breath was hot on Eren's cheek.  But he continued to draw, and stare.  Every detail would be perfect, every ridge and plane would be captured on the page.  His steely eyes were burning wherever they landed, some emotion in them that scared Eren too much to name.

       Breaths were coming fast and heartbeats were drumming away.  The model wondered idly if his artist could hear the pounding in his ears as well.  It was hard to concentrate when he was so close.  His smell was thick and strong, wrapping around him like a pair of cool arms spotted with goosebumps.

       Levi was so beautiful.  He was dark and somber and beautiful in the way that made his whole soul hurt.  Creamy skin that looked like pure ivory in the dim light, hair blacker than raven feathers begging to be touched and tousled.  Silver eyes that flashed like cold coins, a jaw that could cut glass.  It was all too much to bear.  Then, there was that pretty bow of a mouth, with it's lips parted slightly.  Eren wished in the back of his mind that he could just lean forwards and kiss that mouth.  He wanted too so badly that he didn't see it coming.  He didn't see as Levi's gaze searched his face, his mouth opened only the slightest bit.  He came forwards out of his chair, Eren rose halfway up from the table and then-

        And then they were kissing.

 


	15. First Times and Punch Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I'll keep this short and sweet, because I know everyone is dying to read what happens next. Thanks for all the support, keep on commenting and reading!

       Eren had never kissed anyone before.  That did not mean he hadn’t been dreaming of that kiss, picturing it and planning it for a long time now.  Your first kiss was supposed to be perfect, right?  It would happen with someone he knew everything about, and maybe it would be their first, too.  He had always imagined that it would taste like peaches and sunlight.  There would be no sound besides the quiet puff of their breaths and their beating hearts.  It would be sweet and chaste and soft.  Everything it was supposed to be.

       This kiss wasn’t anything like that.

       This kiss was with someone that was practically a mystery unto themselves, too many dark crevices gone unexplored.  It was easy to tell by the way Levi slid his lips over his own that he had honed this art with practice.  It tasted robust, like sweat and sharp mint that almost hurt Eren’s lips.  A low growl came from the base of Levi’s throat that almost sounded predatory.  The kiss was fiery and sinful and bruising.

       Somehow he had managed to rise to a seated position, he must have been dragged upright.  Levi towered above him, his legs slotting easily in between Eren’s to bring them closer.  One hand tilted the boy’s face upwards with a strong, steady grip on his jaw, while the other slid down his back and around his waist.  It was amazing to think how agile someone could be when adrenaline pumped liquid courage through their veins.

       And his mouth, oh his _mouth_.  Eren never even guessed that someone could ever do what Levi was doing to him.  It was all he could do to keep up and remember to breathe.  Each second came fast and demanding, pushing him to the edge with every movement.  A swipe of tongue here, a nip on his lower lip there, he was everywhere.

       The sensations came surging through his nerve endings.  His mind was overloading, overflowing.  All at once, the realization of what was actually happening hit him.  

       And it was then that Eren snapped.

       He managed to grip Levi’s shoulders and shove him backwards, the pair coming unhinged.  Levi stumbled backwards a few feet and almost knocked the easel to the ground, swearing under his breath.  Eren wiped his mouth on his sleeve and tried to stop his chest from heaving.  He felt as though he’d run for miles and was trying to screech to a stop.

       “What the fuck was that?” Levi scowled at him.  He looked visibly confused, maybe even mad, standing there with his arms crossed and back straight.

       “You’re asking me what the fuck was that?  I should be asking you the same thing, you bastard!” Eren snarled at him.

       “We were kissing, and then you shoved me away, that’s what that was,” Levi threw his hands up in exasperation.  “You almost knocked me on my ass.”

       “Where do you get off on this, you sicko?” Eren cried out in accusation.  He wrapped his arms around himself like a child and felt himself wishing he could disappear.  His vision started to blur and he pawed at his eyes.

      When Levi realized something was really, very wrong, he let the scowl drop off his face and instead came forwards.  “Eren?”  He reached a slow hand towards him, but the boy jerked away from the touch.   

       “Don’t touch me!” Eren's voice cracked, breaking off and leaving a sad, empty silence.  He shrank into himself and farther from Levi.  He couldn’t even look at him when he started to speak.  “Do you think it’s funny, doing this?”

       Levi’s voice was slow and soft, the voice you use when approaching a wounded animal.  “Doing what?”

       “Kissing me.  Do you think it’s funny?” Eren whispered.  When he was met with silence, he swallowed and gathered the courage to raise his face.  He knew his eyes were red and he knew Levi didn’t understand.  He could tell by the way his head was cocked to the side and his brow was creased right in the same spot it always creased.

       Eren’s voice rose until he was shouting and he felt his throat buzzing.  “Don’t act so surprised, you piece of shit.  I’m younger, I’m lonely and vulnerable and I let you in.  Then you go and do this-”  

       “Oi!  What the hell are you talking about?” Levi cut him off and asked sharply.

       “Everything is wrong with me,” Eren finally burst out, and when he started it didn’t seem like he could stop.  “I’m disgusting, I can’t even see myself in the mirror without cringing.  I hate myself,” Eren put his hands in his hair and tugged on the brown locks.  His breaths were sharp and jagged like broken glass.  The confessions were rushing out in a relentless flood.  

        He was pissed.  Pissed at himself for feeling worthless, pissed at his dad for never being there, pissed at the universe for his mom dying, pissed at Levi for making him feel like this and knowing it meant nothing to him.    

       “I’m hideous, Levi!  You made me a part of your joke, because that’s what this is to you.  No one can love me like that, and I know it.  Even my dad thinks I’m a fuck up, and he’s a goddamn loser!” Eren laughed bitterly, barking it out in the dead air.  He barely felt like himself and knew he wasn’t making much sense.  At the same time, he had never felt more honest.  He was stripped raw, saying these thoughts he had never even whispered aloud.

       “So now I’m a joke to tell your friends and laugh about, another conquest.  Congratulations, you got the ugly new kid’s first kiss!  See?  I’M A FUCKING PUNCH LINE!” He screamed.  Tears dripped onto his red sweater as his finally voice broke and he started to sob.  It was an ugly type of crying, the kind where your mouth screws up, your nose runs and you make these awful sounds that echo about you.

       Levi looked on without saying a word.  He didn’t come any closer or make any move towards Eren.  He looked horrified, frozen in place with wide eyes.  "First kiss?” He whispered thickly.

       Eren wiped his eyes and glared at him.  He did his best to pour everything he was feeling, all the pent up loathing, into his stare and his last words to Levi.  “Yeah, write my name down in your playbook.  Put a notch on your belt.   _Go fucking nuts, you son of a bitch_.”

       When he stormed out and slammed the door behind him, Levi did not follow.

 


	16. Two Weeks and Self Critiques

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost sorry for the last chapter. Almost. Anyway, thanks for your unwavering loyalty and support for this fic. We're not anywhere near finished yet!

  
       Two weeks.  
       It had been two weeks since Levi and Eren had spoken.  Two weeks since Eren had fled the art classroom and stumbled home in knee high snow.  Two weeks since he had thrown the door open and collapsed inside.  Two weeks since Mikasa had found him sobbing brokenly on the couch and had held him to her chest, soaked clothes and all.  She whispered things he can't remember.  
       "Why would he do that?  Why?" He repeated over and over.  He felt so out of control.  His mind and body were doing things he couldn't stop.  Why couldn't he stop?  
       "I'll fucking kill him Eren, I swear I will," Mikasa vowed.  She still hugged him like a broken doll, but her voice was harsh.  
       "No, no.  Don't hurt him, please," He begged.  He wasn't sure why, but he did.  "Please."  
       Mikasa just kissed the top of his head and sighed, and Eren knew she had given in.  She helped him up from the couch and drew him a bath.  "If you need anything..."  
       Eren sniffed and nodded.  He stripped and slipped into the warm waters.  It was so hot it almost hurt, but Eren preferred it that way.  Steam rolled off the water and clouded up the room.  He pretended he was stranded somewhere. It was a plane of existence filled with only blacks and whites and greys.  He could have been content anywhere, as long as it wasn't reality.  
       It had been two weeks.

* * *

  
       School was a blur that Eren dragged himself through.  Some days he faked sick, something he had never done before.  Those were the bad days that he tried to paint away at home.  Mikasa knew what he was doing, and normally she would have called him on it.  But things weren't normal anymore.  Everything was so loud and rushed that all he wanted to do was plug his ears and curl into a ball.  His ratty jeans and threadbare sweaters did their best to protect him, but things were getting worse than they ever had.  His heart hammered so loud in the hallways at school he was sure everyone could hear it.  He felt like eyes were always on him, always stinging, but he never did see who was looking at him.  He never did see Levi, either.  Eren stopped going to the art room.  
       Things at home were going down the drain, too.  Their father opted to stay in the dorms at the hospital most nights now.  He worked such unreasonable hours, he claimed it was easier that way.  He left money for groceries at first, but after a while he handed over his credit card. Mikasa and Eren would have to pay the bills if he wasn't home by the end of the month.  
       Mikasa worried.  She barely left him alone, and she had this anger she didn't even bother hiding.  She got so frustrated at any mention of Lev or their father that it seemed like she would snap.  Armin was concerned too, stopping by and complimenting him on his paintings.  Sometimes he just talked and didn't make him say anything back.  Hell, Jean cracked stupid jokes even more often to see if he could get him to smile.  They all tried their hardest to lift his spirits.  They invited him out to dinner, or asked if he wanted to watch movies in the living room.  Eren couldn't even bring himself to humour them.    
       It was so hard to try and understand what was happening to him.  The insecurity and anxiety wasn't new- but things had been getting better.  He was happy.  And then everything had spiralled downwards, faster than he could stop.  Eren wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping.  He couldn't even think without him looming on the edge of all his thoughts.  A dark predator in the shadows of the firelight.  Pacing back and forth.  Preparing to pounce.  He haunted every single thing Eren knew.  Every time he saw the red sweater crumpled on the floor of his closet,bstepped on a crack in the sidewalk, sipped on a cup of coffee, or heard a pencil drop to the ground in class...  His stomach twisted in on itself.  It felt like a noose, because it was making it hard to breathe and it did seem like he was dying.  Unfortunately, things were a bit more complicated than that.

* * *

        Eren had never been an outstanding student, in the positive or negative sense.  This year he'd been working harder than ever before to get good marks.  Still, it wasn't enough to make him stand out.  When he missed a  few days, he doubted anyone would notice.  He thought the same after he flunked a couple pop quizzes.  He was just another student, after all. He had no achievements to celebrate whatsoever.  
       So, he was kind of surprised when his biology teacher asked to speak to him after class.  His teacher was a bald, aging man.  He had a moustache, lots of wrinkles and  the most cliche twinkle in his eyes.  He could have been sixty or ninety two, it was difficult to tell.  He had always been Eren's favourite teacher, but they had never spoken outside of  class.  There was never a need for anything more.  It wasn't like his father showed up for parent teacher, anyway.  
       "How are you doing today, Mr. Jaeger?  Take a seat, no need to stand." He gestured at an empty chair while he leaned on the corner of his desk.  
       "Mr. Pixis?" Eren tilted his head to the side and sat down after a moment of hesitation.   
       "Mr. Jaeger, I've noticed you've been missing some class lately.  Your marks are dropping as well.  Can you tell me why that is?" His teacher asked, leaning forward.  
       Eren fiddled with his sleeves and  dropped his gaze.  He felt his cheeks grow hot with embarrassment.  The odd sensation of being called 'Mr. Jaeger' didn't help settle his nerves.  "Uh, I've got some things going on lately and... Yeah."  He shrugged.  
       Mr. Pixis nodded and rubbed his chin with his hand.  He took his time before speaking again.  "You love biology, don't you?"  
       "Yes, sir.  It's my favourite class." Eren admitted.  
       "It's your best class, too.  Eren, you're a hard working young man, and I'd hate to see all that hard work go to waste.  Don't give up on yourself, alright?" The man looked him straight in the eye.  A determined stare replaced the previous twinkle.  
       Eren swallowed and blinked.  "Yes, sir."  
       "I'm serious.  With your kind of dedication and work ethic...  You could do almost anything you want to." Mr. Pixis insisted.  
       Eren managed to get out a choked thanks.  A teacher had never told him anything like that before.  Teachers always told him to apply himself, that he was just meeting expectations.  He didn't know what it was like to be praised.  
       "That's a good man.  I'll see you in class." **  
**   Eren left the classroom and went to the bathroom.  He locked himself in  a stall, sat there and had a good cry.  He didn't know if it was a happy cry, or a sad cry, or what the hell it was, but at least it was something.  It was something, because someone believed in him.  Someone who didn't have to, but chose to anyways.  No one had done that for Eren in a long time.  Or maybe someone had chosen to believe and left not all that long ago.  
       In the hallway, Levi slouched against the wall and listened.  When he heard Eren stand up and walk out of the stall, he picked his bag up from the floor.  He slipped down the hallway to the art room without making a sound.  He started the club meeting before Eren even left the washroom.

* * *

  
       Eren took his time walking home, his shoes scratching against the concrete as he dragged his feet.  He was so goddamn tired, what he needed to do was take some time and figure out what was going on.  What he needed to do next.  
       He arrived home without fuss.  He sighed and dropped his backpack to the floor with a thud.  He hung his jacket and hat up on the coat rack and let the slush slide to the porch mat.  He turned around and almost dropped his mittens to the floor.  
       His father and Mikasa sat on the couch together.  It seemed like they were waiting for him, because Eren's father got to his feet.  Mikasa stayed seated.  
       "Eren, I was hoping you would be home soon.  I have some news," His father said, clapping his hands together in front of him.  He rubbed them together and it sounded like sandpaper.    
       He was still wearing his lab coat and scrubs, big surprise there.  Eren wondered when was the last time he had seen his father wear a pair of jeans.  He thought quite hard for a moment, but couldn't seem to pinpoint a memory.  Maybe his father had never worn jeans.  Maybe Eren didn't care enough to remember.  That would be one thing he and his father shared, at least.  
       "Oh,  yeah?" Eren asked, feigning curiosity.  He looked to Mikasa when he spoke, surely she would know what was going on.  Mikasa always seemed to know what was happening.  Instead, he found no answers there but a blank face and a shrug.  So he glanced back at his father again and raised his eyebrows.  "What's going on?"  
       Eren's father smiled like he didn't have a care in the world.  It was an oblivious look, one that made Eren more suspicious than happy.  
       "We're moving!"


	17. Elephants and Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read, guys! That's all I can say! (and apologize for updating a couple hours late today)

  
       "What do you mean we're moving?" Eren asked softly.  His heart felt like it had stopped beating, but Grisha continued on like he didn't see the look of devastation on his son's face.

       "Since I started at the new hospital, I've been working on a research project.  It was going well enough here, but a position opened up at another hospital out of the country.  It's research programs are cutting edge.  Long story short, I got the job and they want me to start working at the beginning of next month!  Isn't is exciting?  We'll have to start packing this evening..." He trailed off and started to mumble more to himself than his children.

       Eren stood frozen in place, only able to stare at the man in front of him.  It felt like a prerecorded message left on an answering machine.  That's all his father ever felt like.  He was a memory that was more automated than human.  He was never present, and even when he was in the house, he was never really  _there_.

       "You two go to your rooms and get a box or two packed tonight, I'll do a few as well.  Good evening."  Grisha said and turned away.

       Eren's hand moved almost faster than he could think.  He clamped his hand on his father's shoulder, tight enough to ensure he wouldn't be going anywhere soon.  "What do you mean we're moving?" Eren repeated.  His voice was strong, ringing out into the silence like beats on a drum.

       Mikasa's eyes brightened, but she didn't move from her seat on the couch.  No, she stayed and watched her brother.  Her face hid behind her scarf, but a knowing smile was there.  This was Eren's fight.

       Their father halted in his tracks.  When Eren released his shoulder, he turned and faced him again.  "I don't understand."

       Eren's hand fell to his side and he felt it clench into a fist.  "What a surprise.  You never do understand anything," he hissed.  "I'm not going anywhere with you.  I'd rather stay here with Mikasa, I mean, that's what we do anyways!"

       Grisha's mouth opened and the closed itself again.  He looked like a fish out of water.  Eren, on the other hand, Eren was just getting started.  He realized that this was his opportunity; this was his moment to make his father see him.  He took a deep breath to steady himself and started to say everything he had locked up for too long.

       "Ever since Mom died, you left us!  You've been so goddamn selfish, cooping yourself up in that fucking study.  It was easier that way, wasn't it?  You could pretend she was still here, maybe, or maybe you just didn't want to face the children you had raised with her.  It hurt so much, you couldn't bear it.  Well guess what?  I'm still here, you fucking deadbeat!" Eren's heart tore open, and he could almost feel himself bleeding out onto the floor.  He could do this, he had to do this.

         Grisha went to say something again, but Eren shook his head.  "Not until I'm finished, you bastard.  I've been dying to tell you everything, so wait until I tell you every little detail of how you've fucked up.  I'm sure you can be quiet for another year, you've been doing fine so far," he growled out.  His father blinked and took a visible step away from Eren, who continued his justice-seeking tirade.

       "I'm still here, and so is Mikasa.  We survived, and we've been surviving without you.  We made a life in this empty house.  Even when I missed her so much I couldn't breathe, even when I wanted nothing more than to just give up, I kept going.  And you didn't.  Do you know how it feels to spend Christmas without not just one, but both parents?  I'll tell you how it feels, it fucking sucks!" He shouted, his hands flying up in the air.  He wanted, no, he  _needed_  to make his father understand all the hurt.  All the neglect that he had put him through would not go unpunished.  With every word his heart felt stronger, more solid.

       "And now you come here.  And you have the balls to tell me you're suddenly taking everything away from me?  Who the hell do you think you are?  And don't you dare say my father.  I don't think I can call you that for a long time," he added, hoping the jab stung.  "I have a fucking life now!  I'm doing great in biology, and for once I have an idea of what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I'm in the art club, and I like it.  I have friends here that actually give a damn about me!"  Adrenaline was rushing through him, making him more sure of himself than ever before.  Or maybe it wasn't adrenaline, or any other hormone.  Maybe it the act of standing up for himself and what he cared about.  The feeling of killing the elephant in the room.

       "I'm in love with someone here.  A boy.  I'm in love with a boy who's sitting in the art room and thinks I hate him," he whispered softly.  It was the first time he had ever said it.  It was the first time he had ever admitted he loved Levi, even.  Why had he run?  Why had he not been able to realize that maybe, just maybe, Levi could feel the same way?

       "Your son is in love and you didn't even know.  Your son is gay and you didn't even care enough to notice!  Do you realize just how much you've fucked me up?  I thought there was something wrong with me, that I had fucked up and made you hate me.  I thought it was because I looked so much like her, that you couldn't bear to see me.  And soon enough I couldn't even look in the goddamn mirror." Eren said, no longer shouting or whispering, but just talking.  Stating facts that needed to be known to fully comprehend his story.

       "So, you son of a bitch, if you think you're going to take my entire life away from me, if you're going to take the person I love away from me, you're dead wrong.  You don't have the right to take me anywhere." He finished his speech and almost fell to his knees.  He'd been emptied of the toxins he'd been holding onto for far too long.

       His father's breaths were short and his eyes were wide.  It seemed like he was struggling to come out and say something, to say anything.  His gaze flicked back and forth from Eren, standing tall and strong, to Mikasa waiting in silence.  His children watched in wonder as their father's eyes filled to the brim.  Tears spilled over and onto his cheeks, dripping down and leaving dark blotches on his coat.  "I am so sorry," he choked out.  "I am so, so sorry for hurting you like this, and I know sorry isn't enough but I'm not sure where else to start.  Oh god, I don't know how to ever make it up to you two."

       Eren watched and waited.  He had said his piece, but wasn't too sure about what was to happen afterwards.  He wasn't sure how to accept an apology for what had happened the past almost eight months.

       But then, Grisha was hugging him and suddenly he felt so young and small.  Mikasa was there too, and they were all sobbing and soon it was hard to tell why.  Apologies repeated in the background, tortured and broken from his father's lips.  He held them close and tight, like he should have for so long now.  And they hugged him back, because that's what you do when someone you love comes home.

       Finally they all untangled themselves from each other, and it was Grisha who spoke up in the quiet.  He cleared his throat and wiped his face with his sleeve.  "I know it's not going to be easy to forgive me, and you both have every right to be mad at me for a long time.  It may take you ages, but I will be here, and I will wait as long as it takes.  And please remember I love you both so, so much." He promised.

       Mikasa grinned slightly.  "Love you, too."  Then they both turned and looked at Eren.

       "Love you, too," Eren mumbled and glanced up at his father to see him smiling.

       "There's someone else you have to tell that to as well, isn't there?" He asked.

       Eren nodded his head after a moment's hesitation.  "Yeah... Why-"

       "Go," Grisha said, tossing him his jacket.  "We're not moving.  Go and tell him you love him, Eren.  You never know when you'll have the chance to do it again."

       Eren was stunned, but he started putting the jacket on anyways and slipped on his hat.  "You mean, you- You don't care I'm gay?" He asked thickly.  It was so much to take in at once that he felt like the synapses in his brain were fried.

       "Of course I care, Eren.  I'm not upset, if that's what you mean.  Now, go!  You're wasting time." Grisha smiled at him and shooed him with his hands.

       Eren smiled back at his family.  It was small, and a little fucked up, but it would be okay.  He knew that for certain.  So, he opened the door and ran out into the bitter wind with one name on his lips.

        _Levi_.


	18. Likes and Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this seems like the end. It's not, really, because there will be an epilogue and maybe a bonus chapter from Levi's POV just for fun. I think this turned out pretty well, if you're up for a challenge keep an eye out for some parallels between this chapter and the first. Thank you so much for all the unwavering support, I love all of you!

      Eren raced down the crowded hallway, his brown hair falling in his eyes and his tall frame taking up space.  People dodged out of his path, and he noticed it.  It had never happened before.  He continued on, skidding around corners on the tiled floors as students flooded the halls, all bustling to get home after their clubs.  

       He only hoped that he would reach the art room in time, before the club was dismissed and Levi went home.  He wanted to speak the truth in the one place he had ever been honest, had ever felt like himself.  Besides, it was the reason why he and Levi even existed as whatever confused relationship they had been in from the very beginning.  It would be fitting to come full circle there.

       Eren might as well have been a hurricane with the force he burst through the door.  His hat had slipped off at some point along the way and his hair was mussed.  He panted out short breaths in the doorway and his jacket heaved up and down with his chest.  His eyes scanned the room frantically, skipping over all the faces except the one person he was looking for.  And when he saw him, well, he thought his heart might have stopped beating for a split second.

       Levi was divine as always, in every sense of the word.  Ivory skin seemed almost too brilliant draped in black cloth, wound around his figure all over.  Black jeans, black sweater, black look he gave the boy that stormed into the room.  At least, that's what most people might have thought when they saw the icy scowl on Levi's face.  That's what they might have expected when they heard the way air hissed out in a harsh breath between his teeth.  He seemed angrier than anyone else had ever had the misfortune to see him.

       But Eren was not most people.  He saw the slight spark when their eyes met, not quite extinguished.  He heard the slight sigh of bittersweet memories escape his lips that were so good they hurt to keep in his chest.  He knew very well that Levi was not angry.  He was hurt.

       "I like the way you hold a pen." Eren burst out, his voice echoing about the room.

       Levi's eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on the sheaf of papers he was holding.  "What the fuck are you-" Every word he spat sizzled in the air like poison before he was cut short.

       "I like the way you hold a pen," Eren repeated, even as Levi's scowl deepened.  "And the way you hold your tea cup by the rim.  I like the way you dress better than anyone else I've ever met.  I like the way you cut your hair.  I like the way that you demand the attention of an entire room, even though the top of your head barely reaches my nose." His words were strong and steady, even as people started to talk.  He didn't care about the murmurs that were spreading throughout the room.  As long as Levi heard what he had to say, it didn't matter what anyone else said.

       "I like the way you make my coffee on Monday mornings and add extra espresso when I have a test.  I like the way you laugh, especially when you think no one can hear you.  I like the way you draw the things you care about most," Eren said and let a small smile slip onto his face.  He took slow, even steps towards Levi as he talked away.  

       He was wound tighter than a ball of twine by the time Eren reached him, all stiff limbs and sharp edges.  His silvery eyes were locked onto every move, every shift in weight, every breath. A wounded panther assessing if the person before it was a friend or a foe.  "I like the way your forehead creases when you're angry, which is most of the time," Eren told him and let his fingers smooth the harsh lines on Levi's brow.  He could've sworn that he leaned into his touch, his every nerve and muscle relaxing all at once.

       Eren's voice got softer and he dropped his hand.  "I like the way you make me forget what it was that I hated about myself so much.  I like the way you make me stop hurting, even though I don't know how you do it," he bit his lip hard enough to almost break the skin and took a deep breath to steady himself.  The intense grey stare never wavered for a second.

       "I like the way I fell in love with you."

       Levi's eyes widened and his lips parted, but no sound came before Eren started to spell everything out all at once.

       "I love you.  I fucking love you and I'm so sorry I pushed you away.  I was scared, and insecure, because no one's ever made me feel like this before.  I've missed you like hell, that's what it's felt like with you not with me.  I would do anything for you to have me, and for you to let me have you.  Because I love you, Levi Ackerman." The confession spilled out like drops of water in a gushing waterfall, fast and hard and clear.  Eren's eyes stung and his throat hurt, and he couldn't focus on anything besides the boy in front of him.

       The sheaf of papers in Levi's hand fluttered to the floor as his hand gave out on him.  They drifted almost in slow motion, turning and twisting on their journey to the floor.  They caught the sunlight and landed face up, showing their contents.  And Eren started to cry.

       It was him.

       A multitude of expressions, angles and poses splayed out across the pages.  Some were from his modelling sessions.  A few seemed to be from when he wasn't paying attention, and others were recalled from memory.  But the best part about them was the story they told.

       Rough pencil sketches marked the beginning with their faded edges and soft strokes.  Exploring and hesitant.  Then they transformed to clearer and more definite images in black ink, capturing the subtle way he smiled crookedly or the way his hair stuck up in one certain spot.  After that, they evolved into the most amazing things.  The drawings became coloured.  

       His skin was tan and golden, his brows were dark and strong.  His hair looked like chocolate frozen in the winter sun, gleaming resolutely.  And his eyes...  They mirrored the ocean in his own paintings.  Sometimes stormy and rough, giving off an old strength that could wear down mountains to the bone and sweep you into their tide.  And other times they were the most tranquil and peaceful waters, the kind that people slip into when they need to escape from reality, when they need to heal their souls.  He looked truly beautiful.

       Levi finally managed to choke out the words he'd been holding back for far too long.  "You're a masterpiece, Eren.  Not just in how you look, but in how you are."

       Well, that was all it took for Eren to close the gap between them.  He took Levi’s beautiful, gorgeous face in his hands, raised it upwards and kissed him with all his might.  The entire room erupted into whistles and whoops, but it only encouraged him.  He kissed sweet and hard and messy.  It made Levi rise up on his toes and wind his arms around his neck to somehow bring them even closer because oh, they were so close.  They kissed and kissed, thinking “Shit, this is how it should have went the first time.”  They both saw the most incredible colours behind closed eyes, painting the picture that had been hiding away for far too long.

       Because, you see, Levi was only half right.   _They_ were a masterpiece.  Not just in how they looked, but in how they were.  How they loved.

       

**  
**


	19. Apartments and Disinfectants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Yes, it's me! I know you all thought this fic was finished, I mean, I did too. It has been two years, after all. But to celebrate the release of the second season of AOT and just for some good writing practice, I've decided to add an entire set of chapters: The story from Levi's perspective. I'd really love for you guys to check it out, I promise to go nice and deep into Levi's character and offer up lots of new material never before seen in the previous half of the fic that'll shed some light on characters in other perspectives. Feedback is appreciated as always, I really hope you check it out!

_Well,_ he thought.   _At least it's mine._ The apartment was painfully small, just as he remembered it from the week before.  A tiny kitchen, which was essentially in the same room as the living area, and a narrow hallway leading to a singular bedroom and a bathroom were all the place contained. Still, he didn't have to share it with a single other soul.  No more drunken tirades, no more hoarding, no more filth.  Kenny’s death had been a stroke of luck.  Thank fuck for alcoholics with weak livers and savings accounts.

He dropped his last cardboard box and straightened up, feeling a twinge in his spine and shoulders.  He would've been royally fucked without Erwin, Hange and Mike helping him sort through his uncle’s shit house to find his things and pack them up, not to mention most of the heavy lifting up to the tiny apartment above a cafe.  He'd been offered a part time job and signed the lease all in one meeting.

The doctors had given him the all clear for as much physical activity as he wanted, but he still had some aches and pains. The doctors had also said those might not be going away anytime soon.  They recommended a therapist too, after the accident, but fuck them. Levi wasn't exactly one to talk about his shit.

“Are you sure you don't want help unpacking?” Erwin asked.  Even with one arm, he was well muscled enough to probably have carried everything by himself.

“No.  Rather do it myself,” Levi said.

“But why? We're more than happy to help, and it's a big day! Celebrate, right? We should celebrate-” Hange started to ramble in that loud, excited voice of theirs, glasses sliding down their nose, but Mike gave them an obvious nudge to drop it.

“It's fine. Thanks.  See you at school,” Levi crossed his arms and pointed his chin towards the door. He cared for his friends, and he was grateful, truly, but he could only handle so much smothering.  He had far passed his daily tolerance.

The group understood however, and left him be quietly without further insistence. And so it became Levi alone once again.  Just as it had always been and just as it always would be. He felt an ache again, one that hurt deeper than the rest, accompanied by a flash of grotesque images and sounds.  He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. That ache in particular would never leave.

So, for distraction, he dug into the box labeled ‘Cleaning Supplies’ and grabbed some essentials: disinfectant wipes, duster, rubber gloves, broom, more disinfectant liquids, rags, mop… The bare minimum to clean the place. He was spotting dust and stains everywhere already.  He tied a cloth around his neck to use as a mask and got to work. He’d be damned if the rinky dink apartment wasn't spotless by the time he went to bed.

Levi got ready for school utterly exhausted, stifling a yawn as he searched for something to wear amidst the unpacked boxes, finally settling upon a flannel shirt and dark jeans. He had cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom the night before; he hadn't even had the chance to unpack his things.  The skin on his hands was cracked and lemon fresh from all the detergent after he got fed up with his rubber gloves.  It couldn't just be a casual tidy up, it had to be a deep clean.  Something that would wash away everything that came before it.  He hoped it would soothe his nerves a little and that maybe it would make him tired enough to fall asleep.  He didn't sleep much anymore.  Evidently, it hadn't worked quite as well as he'd hoped, but it didn't matter.

Levi walked through the throng of students crowding around the club sign up sheets in the main lobby, cursing under his breath that he'd missed making himself tea for this bullshit.  Hange was hopefully already keeping an eye on the art club enrolment, they were the one with the social skill set after all.  He decided to check in anyways, hopefully no shit for brains hipsters would try to worm their way into his club.  With his jaw set and his gaze icy, he made his way to the art club station, practically daring anyone to get in his way.

Four Eyes was flitting around from student to student, persuading students to come and join the club.  They were just so fucking peppy.

“Tch.” Levi scoffed and sauntered over to the enrollment sheet, reaching for the pen to sign himself as one of the co-presidents of the club, when someone's hand bumped into his.  He stepped back to see who was trying to steal his fucking pen.

It was only a brat. A tall one, sure, but a brat all the same.  Big, green eyed, tall, pretty brat.  Levi stared with an artist’s eye, noting all kinds of little details that made his fingers twitch for a pencil.   _Now that, that right there is a model._

However, the boy seemed like a deer caught in headlights. He was frozen, his eyes wide and searching.  

“Can I sign, or is there a problem here?” Levi raised his eyebrows and his voice was sharp, trying to snap the kid out of whatever panicked state he was in.  He felt a little smug knowing he had probably frightened him.

The boy took a jerky step backwards away from the sign in sheet.  “Uh, n-no, go ahead,” he stammered out, avoiding eye contact.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Levi grabbed the pen and signed the sheet in the club president section.  The club had been essentially under his reign since sophomore year. Well, him and Hange, but still. After he signed, he shifted the papers around so that the sketch model list was sitting right on the very top.

With the brat still in a daze, Levi dropped the pen and stalked off down the hall, smirking ever so slightly to himself. If he wanted a new muse, he would have him. Even if the boy didn't know it yet.

* * *

 

Levi spent the rest of the week floating through classes and unpacking his things.  The teachers were too careful around him, and it pissed him off to no end.  They treated him like a glass figurine; if they weren’t careful he would shatter.  What did they know, anyhow?  It didn’t matter.  He had simple classes in order to graduate, plus some entrepreneurship and accounting classes, and of course visual arts.  It’s not as though he would struggle at all.  As long as he was left in damn peace, he would figure things out faster than most.  Besides, if he ever wanted to run a tea shop or cafe, he’d have to ace all of his business courses.

As for unpacking, well, that wasn’t exactly difficult either.  After his uncle Kenny had died, his friends had gone searching through the pigsty of a house to find his belongings, not that there was all that much to begin with.  Clothes, art supplies, and a few basic things needed in a house that were salvageable at all.  Levi would have done it himself, but he was still laid up in the hospital after the accident.

He tried not to think about the accident, but some kind of reminder was always looming around the corner.  Or maybe he searched for reminders to punish himself, he could never really be sure.  A certain song on the radio that he can’t listen to anymore, a home he can never visit again, so many things became taboo lest it remind him of them.  He can’t bring himself to even ride in a car, much less drive one again, and the smell of things burning in the kitchen make him nauseous.  Either way, a car accident that killed his two best friends and had him on death’s door wasn’t something Levi expected to be able to forget.  

Well, he could forget for a little while. He returned to the art room after months and months of absence, and it felt like slipping into a warm bath.  The room was small by no means, with old glass windows that you could prop open on a warm day, closets filled with supplies that he routinely filched, easels, stools and desks littered the room. He even had his own favourite spot to sit.  Levi opened up the dusty closet full of easels and soaked in the familiar smell of aging wood and fresh sketching paper.  It didn't matter much what they were doing in class that day, just the ritual of creating something new was comforting.  Besides, it was cheaper than therapy.

This being said, on Friday when art club rolled around, he was in less than a pleasant mood.  He had enough just time after his last class to grab a cup of tea at the shop, but had to rush back to the school and had burnt his tongue, effectively ruining the rest of his drinking experience, as any hot beverage connoisseur would know and understand.  

By the time Levi burst through the door, he was swearing and stomping and loud.  He didn't even notice the entire club was waiting until he noticed the way his curses echoed off the walls into the silent crowd.  He finally looked up and saw a sea of new faces staring at him, and one especially nervous face from the centre of the room. His muse had arrived.

Levi scowled at Hange. “Hey, shitty glasses.  You starting without me or something?”

“Everyone!  This is the vice president of the art club, Levi.  He’s a senior like myself, and I know he looks grumpy, but if you have any questions just come and ask either of us!” They clapped their hands together with a grin as they introduced him to the club .

“Tch.” He slouched into the chair right in front of the model, eyeing him up and down. It seems as though his tricks had paid off.  He gathered up his pencils, adjusted his easel just right, and took a careful sip of his tea.  Everyone stared as he held the cup by the rim and he glared at them. What were they waiting for?  “Get to it, brats.”

“Does anyone have any pose requests?” Hange asked.

A blond girl raised her hand, Levi recognized her from the year before, Christa.  “Could you sit cross legged on the floor and look to the right, please?” She asked in a small, polite voice.

As the model lowered himself to the floor, Levi waved Hange over to his side.  “Who’s the brat?”

“His name is Eren Jaeger. Isn't he adorable?” They said.

Levi only hummed in response, fiddling with his pencil.  Eren Jaeger.  It had a nice ring to it, German.  It made sense with his eyebrows, strong and proud, but they contrasted against the rest of his face in such an interesting way.

In fact, as Christa asked him to put his hands in his lap, Levi just let his eyes roam indulgently over Eren’s face.  He had a strong, determined chin, even though he seemed to look at the floor so much. The was a little scar there too, probably from some childhood roughhousing.  A proud nose, just the slightest bit skewed to the side, told the same story.  And yet, there was still some youthful roundness to his cheeks, along with feathery hair and those wide set, gorgeous eyes that gave him such an air of innocence. He was the perfect pretty boy, the most fascinating contrast of rough and soft, strong and scared, everything all tied together to create one beautiful enigma of a face.

And yet, as Levi watched, he could feel the raw emotion in the boy’s expression.  He had this kind of panic, one where his fingers kept twitching and his eyes kept scanning the room and blinking and suddenly they were starting to fill up, threatening to spill out and _fuck, I can't let this kid start crying._

“Brat.  Sit on the chair.”  Levi ordered with a jerk of his chin and it seemed to yank Eren out of his own head.  

He scrambled to his feet, all long limbs like willow tree branches.  He tentatively sat down, looking for approval from the artist.

“No, not like that.  Turn the chair around, wrap your legs around it.” Levi snapped and leaned forwards, perched on the edge of his seat.  He felt a buzzing energy that he hadn't felt in so long he almost didn't recognize it.  Almost.

Eren did as he was told, blood rushing into his cheeks. He looked so unsure, practically the epitome of uncomfortable. It was just how Levi wanted it.

“Yes, perfect.  Now fold your arms on top of the chair and rest your chin right there.  Just like that.” Levi’s voice was quiet and kind of rough, and his pencil started sliding gently over the paper.

_Fuck…_ He stopped thinking in words and phrases. All he had in his mind were images, shapes and shadows blending together.  This boy in front of him had something Levi had never been quite able to master himself: Pure, raw emotion.  He expressed it so freely, practically giving away every thought in writing across his face.  Levi had never seen anything quite like it.  There was no dishonesty, no manipulation, only natural fears and worries.  It made Levi’s own throat tight, because it was heartbreaking.  The kid was obviously terrified, and he knew it was wrong to keep going, but damn, the way the sun looked in his teary eyes… It would be a crime against art to not at least try and capture it.

Levi felt the rhythm of his pencil, felt himself rocking with the sweeping lines on the page.  He couldn’t bring himself to stop, even if he had wanted to.  And still Eren sat there, too scared to _really_ stare back, but having no choice other than to look back into Levi’s own eyes.  It was almost too much to bare.    

Eventually, the pencil stopped moving so frantically and then it stopped moving altogether.  Levi looked back at Eren one last time, nodded, then slid back into his seat and crossed one of his legs over his knee.  He had finished.

“Well, since that one took longer than expected, we’re done for the day.  We don’t want to tire you out too much Eren!  Thanks for being our sketch model.” Hange jumped up from her seat and ruffled Eren’s already messy hair affectionately.

“It was nothing, really.” He croaked out.  He got up from his chair and started to stretch out his stiff muscles.    

“Oi.  Can you come back sometime?” Levi stood up and crossed his arms.  He made sure his tone didn’t seem to leave much room for discussion, hopefully he could get Eren back in with a little less trickery.

“Yeah, I mean if you want.” Eren shrugged and answered easily, to Levi’s surprise.  He’d expected some fumbled excuses, at least some kind of verbal resistance.  He decided not to push it further and to just accept his good luck.

“See you around, then.” He tossed his cup in the garbage can, grabbed his drawings, and headed out the door.  He was at the other end of the hallway when he remembered he’d forgotten some of his nicer erasers in the art room.  With a frustrated curse, he pivoted on his heel and started to saunter back.  As he placed his hand on the door handle, he thought he heard something.

Leaning against the door outside, Levi let his head rest against the wood and listened intently.  Soft sobs blossomed in his ears, and he squeezed his eyes closed as if it would shut them out.  He didn’t want to stay, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave either.  Not until the crying stopped.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the attention this ye olden fic is getting, hopefully I can make you guys proud!

      Time passed as it tends to during the beginning of the school year, in an odd sort of limbo where the hours drag but the days slip by.  Levi didn't do much of anything besides go to classes, work in the cafe downstairs and sit in his apartment. 

      The job wasn't terrible.  He handled making the drinks more than anything else, which was a relief.  The owner had very quickly realized that he wasn't much of a people person, but he could make a damn good cup of coffee, tea, whatever.  He also did most of the cleaning.  He didn't have to, but he did anyway.  It's not as though he could have helped himself. 

He appreciated that the job made him tired.  Not necessarily in his mind tired, but it wrung the energy out of his muscles to the point where sometimes if he was lucky his body would override his brain and finally let him sleep.  It only worked sometimes, though. Otherwise he would usually pick a chore to do, like cleaning the grout in the bathroom or scrubbing the wall behind the oven.  He rarely wore gloves, because he wanted to feel clean, too.  Besides, it was better than staring at the ceiling in his depressing little bedroom. 

      However, being tired leads to being clumsy, being fumbling and stupid.  Levi learned this the hard way when he returned from school, dropping his messenger bag onto his bedroom floor.  He paused because it felt suspiciously light.  He didn’t hear the usual thunk of his hardcover sketchbook hitting the floor.

      He dropped to his knees and unzipped the bag, rummaging around inside.   _ Where the fuck is it?  Where is it?  Where the fuck- _

      He tipped the entire thing upside down, shaking every item onto the floor with a clatter.  Pencils, pens, textbooks, binder, everything except his sketchbook.  Levi felt his stomach clench and he used his hands to steady himself on the laminate floor.  He had plenty of sketchbooks, sure, but that one…  It had his only drawings of Isabel and Farlan.  He had no photos of his own, only his portraits to remember them by.

      Isabel, she’d always been such a handful to try and draw.  The little bastard would never sit quite still for him to try and get her picture just right, but it was suitable, really.  She had all of this unstoppable energy, always flitting about and shouting and laughing.  She was obnoxious, really.  Pretty, too, even though she didn’t really know it.  It wasn’t in a pitiful way, but rather that she didn’t care if she was pretty because she had much more exciting things on her mind.  Her hair was the most unruly thing, it got to the point where she would show up at the bus stop and it would be a bird’s nest around her head.  Levi eventually became the one to help tame her red tangles.  He couldn’t let her go to school like that, now could he?  Plus, once she gave him a look with her doey green eyes, calling him her big brother… Well, then Levi would let himself be suckered into just about anything.

      Farlan, on the other hand, could focus when asked to.  He was always the perfect middle between Isabel and Levi, he could calm Isabel when she went on one of her passionate crusades to beat up the schoolyard bully, but he would come to Levi and convince him to help the trio plot a sneaky revenge.  And fuck, so loyal.  One look in his eyes and you knew he would follow you to the ends of the earth.  Silver eyes like that can’t lie, and you can never quite escape them, even if you wanted to.  It wasn’t a blind trust, but a lifelong one nevertheless.  Farlan had always been the one to casually push his bangs back from his forehead and tell Levi to stay at their home for dinner, for the night, for the weekend.  He never made a big deal out of it, but he called Levi family, and he meant every syllable.    

      Maybe he’d left the sketchbook here all day?  Even though he had a clear memory of holding it in his hands in the school hallway, he still flipped his mattress.  He still cleared out his shelves.  He still ripped the cushions off the couch and still lifted them with a grunt to check underneath them.  He still tore apart his closet, clothes slipping off hangers onto the floor.  He still searched every inch of the apartment, his heart ceaselessly pounding every second.

      When, finally, Levi accepted the fact it must be at school, he slumped to the floor amidst his own aftermath of mess.  It was all he could bring himself to do, to lie down in the mayhem and stare at the ceiling.  The disarray made his skin crawl, but still he lay there.  What else was there to do, clean?  No, that night, that night he would suffer in his own mess.  And so that was what he did.

* * *

 

      The next day at school, Levi trudged through the halls.  He, essentially, felt like a sack of shit.  This whole sleep cycle he was on, or rather lack thereof, was really fucking with him.  He hadn’t bothered to eat breakfast that morning, only nursing a cup of tea to get him through the day.  

      He was still searching for his sketch book everywhere he could think of.  Even in the halls, he felt himself anxiously wondering and searching. By chance, his weary eyes landed on a certain lost looking boy. It seemed as though Eren had found himself lost. 

      “Oi, shit-for-brains.  Over here.” He waved him over. 

      “L-Levi!  I was looking for you,” Eren said with a nervous smile. 

      Levi only raised his eyebrows, not bothering to speak.  He wondered what the brat wanted. 

      “I think you dropped this yesterday in the hall.  I found it on the floor, but, well, I couldn’t find you.  Sorry.” Eren laughed and dug the sketchbook out of his bag.  He bowed and offered it out to Levi in his palms, like a good and polite lower class man. 

      Levi felt the air enter his lungs for what felt like the first time all day.  He gently took it out of the boy's hands, whose skin was radiating so much heat and energy he must have had some kind of fever.  “Hoh?  Thanks.  I couldn’t find it last night and- Ah, forget it.” He interrupted himself with a shake of his head.  No need to explain himself to a little shit.  He put them in his bag, taking care to make sure the zipper was done up all the way this time and feeling the comforting weight.  

      Eren straightened up so quickly he seemed to almost lose balance.  “It’s no problem, anyone would’ve-” 

      Levi followed his gaze and saw that the boy was staring at one of his scars. He hasn't notice the collar of his sweater had slipped down so far and reminded himself to be more careful. 

      The senior cleared his throat as he adjusted his sweater, making Eren jump.  “You like tea?” He asked in a gruff tone.

      “Tea?  It’s alright, I guess.” Eren shrugged, looking a little bewildered. God, those eyebrows gave away everything. 

      “Or coffee.  Whatever.  I’m treating you to a cup this weekend.” Levi stated without so much as blinking. He might be a brat, but he was nice to look at and he had saved him a good deal of heartache.  It was the least he could do, he had some manners.  Levi tried not to think about the little tug he felt in his gut when he remembered the crying he'd heard in the art room.

      “What?  No, you don’t have to do that-” Eren waved his hands in a dismissive gesture, but Levi was not letting him off that easy. 

      “Look.  A senior’s inviting you for a cup of coffee as a nice gesture, brat.  Now, are you coming or not?” He crossed his arms across his chest and felt himself straighten up without thinking.  It didn't happen often that Levi was not in lead of a situation. 

      Eren seemed to shrink and almost look up at Levi.  “Ah, yes?” He asked rather than answered.

      “There’s a joint a couple blocks away.  See you there.  Noon on Saturday.” Levi gave him one last look, he wasn’t sure what for, and stalked off down the hallway.  Instead of going to his next class, he took a sharp turn at the last second and slipped into the empty bathroom.  He pulled his bag up onto the counter and pulled out the sketchbook, flipping to the last two pages.  He let his fingers trace over their faces and let out a strangled noise.

      He knew Eren had looked familiar.  His long limbs and the way his hips moved when he walked were just like Farlan, walking right alongside him, taller but somehow still looking up to him.

      And those fucking eyes.  They were just like hers.  All curiosity and wonder, greenest damn eyes he’d ever seen.  They looked like emeralds, which Levi always thought was such a shitty, fake description until he really looked at them.  Fuck, why did he have to look at them?

      Levi didn’t understand it, he didn’t know how or why, or how it made him feel.  It hurt, he thought, but he wasn’t sure if it hurt in a bad way.  Was that possible?  He supposed it had to be.  

      Right at that moment, he glanced at his phone.  A notification blinked, telling him he had a voicemail.  Furrowing his brow, he grabbed the phone and swiped it open.  A couple taps later, he was holding it to his ear, waiting to hear the message.

_       “Levi.  It’s us, we haven’t heard from you since the accident, we-” _  Their parents.

      Levi let the phone drop into the sink with a clatter, chipping the screen.

      Now that, that hurt in a damn bad way.


	21. Hospital Records and Café Rendevous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so appreciative of all the support this old fic is still raking in, I promise I'm gonna start replying to each and every comment. Leave all your feedback, and I'll keep the story rolling!

      Saturday rolled around and Levi let out a groan as his alarm went off. He fumbled for his phone and angrily swiped it off.  He sat up and rubbed his face, wondering why he’d even set an alarm in the first place.  He rolled out of bed and felt his bare feet hit the floor with a cold shock.  Grumbling, he yanked the comforter off his creaky bed and wrapped it around himself like a cloak.  He was always fucking freezing, his fingers and toes suffering the worst.  He popped a small pain pill from the cabinet; his back was acting up today.  He closed the medicine cabinet and looked at himself in the mirror.  Bare-chested, he could see the majority of his scars.  He didn’t like to look at them, they had a nasty habit of making him remember things he would rather forget.

      In the hospital, they had listed off plenty of things that were wrong with him.  They told him he was lucky to be alive.  He told them that was a really shitty joke.

      They removed his spleen because it had exploded on impact, like a water balloon bleeding into his insides.  He didn't find out until days later, but he supposed it wasn't a big deal.  It's not like he would miss an organ like that, really.  It left a scar, though, but compared to the other injuries it wasn't that bad.

      He'd suffered from what the surgeons called a traumatic pneumothorax, which obviously made him ask what the fuck that was.  Turns out, it’s the fancy med term for punctured a lung caused when one of his ribs broke, now that one was a bitch.  He had a blurry memory of being in an ER when it felt like his chest had suddenly caved in, and he was gagging and coughing and then the trauma surgeon fucking  _ stabbed him _ .  Well, technically, he did it to put in the chest tube so Levi wouldn’t suffocate, but still.  They’d had to leave the tube in for a couple days. 

      Once all the immediate trauma was addressed, they shipped him off to treat the third-degree burns on his abdomen, back, and shoulders that landed him in the burn unit for about six weeks.  The burn debridement, now that was the worst part.  With such extensive burns, there was some infection due to all of the organ damage.  Essentially, in order to prep him for skin grafts, the burned tissue had to be peeled off.  They did it for days and days on end it seemed.  Levi doesn’t remember much of it, only screaming in pain through a haze of drugs that were supposed to make everything soft, but instead, he felt like everything was moving in slow motion.  Every layer made him shriek louder, to the point where they had to place him in restraints.  He wasn’t allowed any visitors at that point, too much risk for infection.  So he suffered alone.  The skin grafts weren’t as bad.  They left scars, but they kept him alive, albeit with some nerve damage and patches of numbness. 

      Then they told him he’d herniated disks in his spine from the car crash.  They didn’t want to put him through another surgery and told him the risks would outweigh the outcomes, so they set him up in physical therapy.  They warned him he would live with some back pain for the rest of his life more likely, but getting it under control then and starting rehabilitation would greatly reduce his discomfort.  It would be more than manageable, they promised.  He’d have a normal life, as long as he did his exercises.

      Levi told them to go fuck themselves.  Why bother?  He wanted to be left alone until his joints seized up and he never had to move again.  He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t drink, so they had to keep him on intravenous fluids long after they hoped to take him off.  Everything hurt all the time, even with the drugs that made him forget what was going on.  All he could do was lay there and hope to die.

      His friends, the ones who weren’t dead, wouldn’t let him, however.  Bastards.  As soon as he got out of the burn unit, someone was almost always there, every day.  Hange usually took the shift right after school, blabbing about whatever they could think of to keep him distracted, updating him about the art club and what they were working on.  They made him a painting and he let Hange prop it up at his bedside.  

      Then Erwin was the one who took him to his physio appointments.  He could relate, what with losing an arm from a nasty dog attack when he was a child.  He let himself be screamed at, let himself be punched and whatever else it was that Levi felt like he needed to do that today, to the man who was forcing him to keep going and to get better.  God, he hated him so much those weeks.  

      And finally, Mike would take late night shifts when he could.  He didn’t talk much, he would just sit there and watch him.  Make sure he wasn’t alone.  It was unsettling but it was good.  It was needed.

      So, Levi swallowed his pill and went to the kitchen to fill up a kettle for some tea.  Leaning against the counter, he ran his hands through his hair and felt the fuzz of his undercut.  It was getting a little long, he’d have to trim it again soon.  He wondered again what he was supposed to be doing that day, and like in a dumbass cartoon, he remembered as soon as the kettle started to whistle.  He had plans.  Hot beverage plans.  Usually in his books, inviting a cute boy out for a hot beverage usually qualified as a date.  But Levi didn't go on dates, therefore this wasn’t a date, couldn't be.  It was a non-date, what do people call those?  

      Ah yes, they were just hanging out.  Right, that’s what it was.   _ Hanging out. _

* * *

 

      Levi tucked himself away at a table in the corner as he waited for Eren to show up, tapping his fingers idly on the wooden table. He was early, but he literally lived upstairs, so it didn't make much difference where he waited.  Plus he figured it only made sense for him to be there first, considering he was the one who offered to treat him. 

      He’d put a little bit of extra thought into his outfit that morning. He always liked to look nice, of course, but it wasn't like  _ that  _ he insisted to himself. He just didn't want Eren to be able to see any scars like last time. He wasn't exactly in the mood for an of those conversations. No matter how they played out, the end result would be the same. 

      Someone burst in the doors and Levi glanced over to see Eren giving an awkward little wave. He had somehow entered quietly but still managed to grab the attention of people inside, Levi especially. He was just so noticeable, with the same amount of subtlety as a sledgehammer.

      Levi got to his feet and sauntered over to greet him. 

      “Hey.  Sorry, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting, it was a crazy morning.” Eren apologized sheepishly. His cheeks and nose were pink from the wind outside and his hair was tousled.  It was distracting. 

      Levi shrugged.  “Wasn’t here long anyway.  C’mon, let’s get grab something.  Tea or coffee?” He walked up to the counter and Eren followed behind. He put in his order, and from the look on Eren’s face, he could tell he was surprised. What could he say, Levi was particular about his tea. Besides, he fucking worked there. They'd make his goddamn tea. Levi turned and looked at Eren expectantly, waiting for his order. He suspected it would be a coffee, he seemed like someone who would drink that shit. 

      Eren stuffed his hands in his pockets, even though Levi already had told him he was treating him, and the kid swore under his breath. “I-I’m fine, really.  Not thirsty.” Eren said.  The little liar.

      “You forgot your money, didn’t you?” Levi drawled.  Eren blushed furiously, and Levi fought a satisfied smirk.  “I was paying for yours anyways, so stop looking like you’re gonna burst into flames.  What do you want?” He asked, looking up at the menu.

      “Uh, I, uh…  A little milk, one sugar?” Eren asked so politely it was hard not to chuckle, especially since he almost tripped on his way to stand next to Levi at the counter.

      “As in a coffee?” Levi asked with disgust, his nose turning up a little bit.

      “Y-yeah?” Eren blinked down at him in innocent confusion.  All of Levi’s coworkers had paused now, watching their interaction with curiosity.  He supposed they weren’t used to him actually voluntarily interacting with another person.

      “Disgusting.  You heard the brat, shit with a little milk and one sugar.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in disappointment.  “I knew I had you pegged as a coffee drinker.”

      Eren let out a little peal of laughter and Levi felt something funny in his stomach.  “I didn’t think you were so pro-tea.  You seem more like the type to need caffeine to keep you from strangling someone.”

      Levi grabbed both of their cups as the order was called, leading Eren to the table in the corner.  “Tea has caffeine, too.”  He said matter of factly.  He sat down in an armchair across the table and crossed his legs at the ankles, an old habit.

      Eren followed right behind him, flopping his lanky body down with a little less grace.  It reminded Levi of a puppy whose paws were still just a bit too big.  “Really?  Huh, I never knew that.  I drink coffee because I love the smell of it; my house used to smell like it every morning.” Eren smiled and picked up his cup with careful movements, looking excited to just take a sip of a simple cup of coffee.  Levi wondered why his house didn't smell like coffee anymore. “It’s relaxing and warm, plus it perks your day, y’know?” He took a deep sip and hissed immediately.  “Fuck, I burnt my tongue!”

      The corners of Levi’s mouth quirked upwards and he loosened the scarf around his neck, relaxing into the chair.  “That’s why you blow on it, moron.”

      Eren blushed again but grinned this time.  God, there was something so endearing about him.  Levi shoved down the feeling the best he could to continue the not-date.

* * *

 

      Two hours came and went, along with more hot beverages and a couple cookies.  The pair barely noticed, even though Levi’s wallet was getting a little lighter.

      “Wait, so you never signed up to be a model for the club?” Levi asked, leaning forward with feigned interest.  Had his sheet shuffling actually worked?

      “No!  I put my name on the wrong sheet, I wanted to be  _ in _ the art club.  Well, actually I didn’t really want to be in it.  I just needed to sign up for something, and I like doodling, but I’m not good at it or anything.” Eren revealed, laughing breathlessly with red cheeks.  He reveled in self-deprecating humor. 

      “And you went along with it.” Levi did his damnedest to keep his face blank, but it was so hard.  It just kept getting funnier.

      “What was I supposed to do?  Hange was shoving me in the middle of the circle, and the next thing I know everyone’s asking me to look this way and put your hands there.  It was so embarrassing.” Eren scratched the back of his head and looked down bashfully.  

      Levi couldn’t help it anymore and let loose a small string of chuckles.  He felt his face crack into a smirk and enjoyed the way it felt in his chest to laugh.  It had been longer than he would like to admit since someone had made him laugh like that, bubbling up out of his insides and slipping past his lips even though he tried to contain it.  And damn, the look on Eren’s face when he heard him laugh.  Levi realized very abruptly in that moment, seeing that toothy smile that reached all the way to his eyes, that he was hopelessly, utterly fucking smitten with Eren Jaeger. 

      “Well, that explains why you looked like you shit your pants the entire time.” Levi blurted in light of his revelation, interrupting Eren’s staring.

      “I did not!  ...Did I?” He asked in a hesitant voice.

      “You definitely did.” Levi assured him.  He glanced at the clock on the wall for the first time since entering the cafe.  “Damn, we’ve been here a while.”

      “Two hours, sorry if you have to be somewhere.  You probably didn’t want to waste the afternoon with some sophomore.” Eren apologized, his eyebrows knitting together.

      “Hoh?  Wasted?  I wouldn’t say that.  I gotta get going though, I have a paper due Monday.” He realized with a twinge of disappointment. Levi excused himself from the table, cursing the dumbass economics paper.  He tried not to smile as Eren knocked his knees against the table.

      “Oh god, now that you say that, I have science homework I have to do.  Mikasa’ll kill me if I forget about it.” Eren groaned.

      The two stood by the door to the cafe, and Levi shifted his weight from foot to foot.  He wasn’t great at these things, but even he knew things were starting to feel a little uncomfortable.  

      “Well… See you around.” Eren waved and started to leave, but Levi stopped him.

      “...Oi, Eren.  I’ll tell Hange you want in on the real club, alright?  I expect to see you next Friday.” Levi ordered, jerking his chin out the door.  He wanted to see him again, somehow.

      “T-that’d be great!  I’ll be there!” Eren flashed another one of those genuine smiles.  He walked outside with a bounce in his step and punched the air in excitement, completely forgetting he was still in view from the coffee shop window.

      Levi watched the kid and caught himself almost smiling, feeling a little flutter in his chest.  “Not bad, not bad at all.”


	22. Blankets and Bonfires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gets pretty deep, and hopefully answers a lot of questions. Enjoy!

      Levi looked up with a scowl as Hange dropped their lunch tray with a clatter.  Hange, Levi, Erwin and Mike always ate together, ever since seventh grade.  Isabel and Farlan used to eat with them too, but now there were two empty seats that no one planned on filling. Isabel and Farlan weren't as close with the misfit trio as Levi.  They were close enough, though.

      “Hey there grumpy!” Hange grinned as they sat at their normal spot.

      “Why are you always so loud Four Eyes?” Levi complained half heartedly.  “How're you supposed to find a date if you're always so loud?”

      They looked at Erwin and Mike with their eyebrows raised. “Hear that fellas?  Levi’s got dating on the brain.”

      Erwin continued eating his lunch. “Obviously, he just went on a date over the weekend with the new sophomore.  Eren Jaeger, isn't it, Levi?”

      Levi tried to contain his surprise.  “I'm surprised the student body president still has time for silly gossip,” He said.

      “You know me, I like being informed.” Erwin smiled.  “Besides, you're not denying it.”

_Sneaky, crippled, political, scheming nosy bastard._ “It wasn't a date Erwin, we were just… hanging out.  He found my sketchbook after I lost it, so I took him out for coffee.”

      “Since when do you just ‘hang out’ with people?” Mike asked.

      “I hang out with you fuckers don't I?” He drawled.

      “Eren is different.  He's a sweet guy it seems, awfully cute too…” Hange trailed off expectantly.

      “Whatever,” Levi sighed and continued eating his lunch.

       It was not lost on the trio that his eyes were drifting while he chewed.

      Erwin followed his gaze to a small group huddled together; a somber raven haired girl, a slight and nervous boy, and then a bright eyed boy with a toothy smile.  He knew which one Levi was drawn to.

      “Stop staring at him, it's weird,” Levi said quietly.  

      Mike stopped eating to take a measured look of Levi, and even Hange paid serious attention.  To anyone else, Levi would seem like he always does: grim and quietly angry.  But his friends could sense something more.  A hint of embarrassment in his downward stare, and the corners of his mouth seemed tight like he was trying to keep his expression blank.

      Erwin nodded. “Alright, Levi,” he said in a low voice, “I hope things go well.”

      “He's always welcome you hang out with us too, if you ever wanted,” Hange assured.

      Levi gave a mumbled agreement and continued to eat his lunch as the others smiled to one another in quiet amazement. Their Levi had a crush.

      It wasn't as though Levi had never been attracted to someone, and it certainly wasn't like he hadn't acted on it.  He'd done his fair share of hook ups at parties that his friends dragged him along to, just making out with boys he'd never speak to again.  No hard feelings, he just never wanted anything more, and neither did they.  Hell, half of them still wouldn't admit they were gay.  

      And it had been fine with him.  It was nice to feel wanted for a night, nice to touch someone in a way that made his skin buzz and his heart race.  But only for one night.  Why bothered getting wrapped up in another person like that, especially young as they were?  Romance wasn't reliable.  It was flaky and volatile.  Family, that was different.  And he already had a family.

      Of course, he’d lost almost half of his family like a goddamn bolt out of the blue.

      Still, this was unheard of.  Levi Ackerman, with a crush like a silly schoolgirl?  He didn't even realize it himself until that moment in the café, when Eren made him laugh.  And fuck, wasn't it an amazing feeling to make the boy smile like that, a real smile that reached all the way up to his eyes.  That moment right there was his point of no return.

* * *

 

      Levi jangled the keys with increasing discomfort rising in his chest.  His legs bounced against the pleather interior of Mike’s car.

      “You sure you wanna do this?” Mike asked as he put the keys in the ignition, pausing before starting the car.

      Levi closed his eyes and let his head fall against the seat.  “Yeah,” he said from behind clenched teeth.

      Mike didn’t say anything, just started the car with a rumble and cough of the engine.

      It was no secret that driving made him anxious.  Not that he would ever say that aloud of course, but it was still evident in the vein in his neck that kept throbbing and the stiffness in his jaw.  He refused to drive with anyone outside of his core group, not even a taxi or a bus.  If his car, or rather Kenny’s car, had been salvageable, he would’ve totalled it with a baseball bat by now anyway.  He resisted the urge to take another pain pill, but just barely.  

      Everything was too familiar, from the way his shoulder nudged the door when they rounded a corner to the sound of Mike’s hands sliding on the steering wheel.  The whole situation made him sit with his eyes wide open, staring straight forward but not really seeing much of anything.  What was it the doctors had said?  Ah yes, breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth.  That was it.  So he did, as he forced his eyes to stay open and soak in anything that was real.  He tried to ground himself in the reality that was happening instead of what had already happened, but shit, it was hard.

      Eventually they came to a stop.  Mike turned off the engine and leaned back into his seat.  “I’ll wait here.  Come get me if you need me.”

      Levi nodded, forcing his dry throat to swallow.  His friend understood that this was something he needed to do alone.  He climbed out and dug a small key out of his pocket.

      Before him was a storage facility. There were three rows of concrete buildings, around ten units with aluminum sliding doors.  On a weekday afternoon, it wasn't exactly busy.  The security guard slouched in his cubicle, thumbing away on his phone.

      Levi cleared his throat and stared until the security guard noticed him.

      “Shit, hey there. You here to look at a locker?”

      Levi waved the key in response.  He wasn't feeling chatty.

      The guard pointed to his right.  “It's the third door in this building there, are you here to empty it out? Hasn't been opened in a couple months, that one.”

      Levi grunted in affirmation and signed off on the papers that the guard slid his way through the plexiglass window.

      “Take as long as you want.”

      The locker was full to the brim, everything chaotically piled atop itself.  It was an odd, hollow feeling when Levi realized everything from his old life, from his blood family, was inside.  It was unsettling.

      See, when he had gotten the news that Kenny had finally drank himself to death, he was still in the burn unit.  Practically delirious with pain, he managed to gasp out a plea for his friends to handle it.  He left Hange, Erwin and Mike in charge of everything left.  It was a selfish thing of him to ask, but there was no one else.  He had no one else.  Kenny was his only blood relative that he had left, and now he was dead.

      Levi’s parents had died when he was only a toddler.  He remembered his mother a little, just her long black hair and the way she smelled.  He couldn’t remember he face.  So, he had been bounced around in foster care until he was around eight, when a man showed up at the door claiming to be his uncle from out of state.  He claimed he had been looking for him for years with a lopsided grin on his face, and he had the paperwork to back his story up.  He was his mother’s brother, he said, and was here to take him home.

      So with Kenny he went without much fuss.  He wasn’t ever outright cruel, but he was careless and tended to drink too much until he fell asleep on the couch.  He forgot that Levi was a child pretty often, treating him much older than he was.  He believed Levi could fend for himself, but still happily collected government money for his ward.

      His house was cramped and always dirty.  Levi would wash his clothes in vinegar to get rid of the smell of booze and cigarettes, and would always make sure to present himself well.  While Kenny was far from perfect, getting tossed into a group home in some unfamiliar city was not an option.  He had friends here, he had a school he liked, he had his own room.  He didn’t want to risk getting placed somewhere worse.  So he would clean the place from top to bottom as best as he could, make sure there was some food in the house by riding the city bus forty minutes to a grocery store.  It wasn’t paradise, but he made do, living his life the best he could, all the while plotting away for when he would move out on his own as soon as he was able.  Plenty of people did it, he would be just fine.

      So when he died, Levi wasn’t too distraught.  He had bigger fucking fish to fry.  So he collected the money Kenny left from the bank and got a key from his friends for a storage locker container with all the shit from his old house stuffed inside.  He insisted they could have just thrown it all in a dumpster for all he cared, but he had pocketed the key anyway.

      And now here he was, sorting through the trash.  There wasn’t much worth saving, so he tossed the garbage onto a garbage bin on wheels.  The things he decided to keep went into cardboard boxes.  They were very light.

      He had no need for any of Kenny’s things.  He found a nice wristwatch the drunk hadn’t actually pawned off that he decided to keep, just because he liked it.  He also thought it might be nice to have some surviving Ackerman artifact.  He found a necklace that, according to the letter and box he found with it, was his mother’s.  It made his heart twinge and he didn’t know why, so he thought he might as well keep that too.

      He found a few of his own things as well, things that he was glad to find, considering they were his things he had worked for and bought for himself with his little odd jobs he would do mowing lawns and things.  Art supplies, mostly.

      He felt his breath catch when his fingers touched a knitted blanket.  It had been a gift from Isabel and Farlan’s family.  Isabel had tried to make it for him, but she was never able to sit still and focus long enough to do all the knots, so Farlan and their mother would secretly fix it when she wasn’t paying attention.  They had given it to him on Christmas, his birthday.  He had always spent it at their home.  

      His throat started to tighten and he felt wetness threatening to spill onto his cheeks, but he blinked it away.  He placed it carefully inside a cardboard box.

      After that, it seemed as though everything reminded him of them.  It made things harder and the boxes heavier, even though he knew once he got the majority of it home he would have to hide it away in the linen closet.  Otherwise he would find himself drowning in it like his hands were tied and concrete was in his shoes.

      The last thing he took was a bottle of Kenny’s favourite whiskey.  It was a damn big bottle, and wasn’t even open.  Levi figured a day would come where he would be glad to have it on hand.

      Finally having finished sorting through everything, he wheeled the trash cart to the back of the buildings, out of view of the security guard, and waved to Mike in the parking lot.

      Walking over with his hands in his pockets, Mike looked at the cart and didn’t say anything.

      “You got a lighter?” Levi asked.

      “Mhm.” Mike slipped one out of his pocket.

      Levi took it and, using an old shirt as kindling, set the contents of the bin on fire.  Mike seemed unfazed, which is exactly why Levi was glad to have him there.  He would understand that Levi didn’t want to talk about the way his breath kept hitching in his chest, and how he kept blinking away tears he wasn’t convinced were from the smoke.  Sometimes it’s just easier to burn away the past, and as he watched the flames he felt his scars tingle with an unpleasant numbness.

      So that where he and Mike stood in silence, marvelling in how painfully cathartic it was to watch the fire lick away the filth,  Still, Levi couldn’t help wonder what, if anything, would rise from the ashes.


	23. Crossed Lines and Blurred Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was tricky to write, but hopefully I was able to capture everything I wanted to. Hope you enjoy it!

      Levi placed his knitted blanket over his lap as he sat at the kitchen table, making sure his toes were covered.  They were always so damn cold, but he wasn't much for socks at home.  He used the kitchen table as a drawing desk more than an actual dining area.

      Running his fingers over the sheets of paper, careful not to smudge the graphite, he wondered if drawing Eren from memory would be too creepy.  It was one thing to draw him when he sat in front of him in a crowded room, but imagining him from memory to draw alone in a dimly lit apartment seemed like another matter altogether. 

      Levi examined the sketches with a sigh he didn’t even notice he released.  They were rough and hazy.  Still beautiful, of course, considering the muse they pictured, but unclear.  He felt an itch, a desire to do better.  They didn’t really do the boy justice.  After really meeting him, Levi realized there were so many things he missed.  His eyes weren’t that round, but rather his eyebrows framed them better.  And his smile, he hadn’t seen it during the drawing session since Eren had been a bundle of frayed nerves.  But he had such a genuine smile that felt like it sprouted all the way from his toes.

      He got a piece of paper and a pencil, his brow furrowing.  There were some tweaks to be made, but if he closed his eyes for a moment he could see Eren as easily as if he’d tried to picture his own face.  Easier, even.  With a pang of guilt, he started to let the tip of the pencil drift across the page.  It’s not as though Eren would ever know what he was doing, so no harm no foul right?

* * *

 

      Levi continued his week in the most relaxed fashion he could.  He tried his hardest to not let his eyes wander in the hallways because he was scared he would find himself searching for someone.  He picked up an extra shift at the cafe that week just to keep his hands and minds occupied.  What was that saying, the devil finds work for idle hands?  Not that Levi believed in some shitty gods, but he decided it was best to pick work over trouble.  Because Levi did not have crushes, did not become infatuated, Levi did not let new people in.  He didn’t give a damn about any of that.  Right?

      He arrived early to art club that week to clean the room a little before people arrived, as usual.  He had just put away the broom when people started to trickle in and a warm body nudged into him, tall and tipping like an unsteady willow tree.    

      “What the fuck-” Levi snarled, not taking too kindly to being stepped on.  After a quick glare upwards, his anger simmering out quickly.  “Oh, Eren.  Hey,” he said simply.   “Levi! Oh, god, I’m sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going-” Eren never finished his sentence, a yawn swallowing up whatever he was going to say.  “Sorry.” He covered his mouth and said again.

      “What’s the matter with you?  You look like you’re gonna pass out.” Levi frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, letting his eyes take stock of him.  The boy, admittedly, looked worse for wear, and Levi imagined Eren’s bed would probably say the same thing.  His eyes had lost some of their usual shine, and his eyelids seemed impossibly heavy and drooping.  There were also dark circles that Levi was near certain hadn’t been there last week.  And could he have at least ran a brush through his hair this morning?  What an unruly mess.  

      Eren swayed slightly on his feet and Levi felt a little pang in his chest.  He wondered what had his muse so worn out, and convinced himself it was only friendly concern.  “Brat.  You in there?” Levi snapped his fingers in front of his face.  

      Eren blinked and seemed to jerk awake on the spot.  “Uh, sorry.”  He mumbled, a little embarrassed.

      “You’ve apologized three times in the past sixty seconds.  I think that’s a record.  Now, what the hell is your issue?” Levi asked and started walking towards a chair and easel, waiting for Eren to follow him.  He probably shouldn’t have even been standing, the moron.

      “I have a biology test Monday, and I’ve been studying all week for it.  I’m kind of wiped.” Eren explained simply.  He let out a sigh that made Levi’s ears perk up, letting his body turn to liquid as he flopped down into a chair.  It almost seemed like he would take a nap right then and there, every muscle visibly relaxing.  He stretched like a cat with his arms above his head and his sweater lifted up, flashing a strip of tan skin.

      “I can see that.  Why the fuck are you here, then?” The senior asked with a sudden sense of impatience and frustration, quickly busying himself with his art supplies.  It would do no good to stare. 

      “I told you I’d be here, so I came.  I wouldn’t want to stand you up.  Besides, I figured I’d like art club a lot more if I got to draw  _ with _ you instead of you drawing me,” Eren said in a slightly raspy voice, the one boys only use when they’re barely awake.  He gave a silly grin, lopsided and teasing like a carelessly hung painting.  “You bite your lip when you draw, did you know?  It’s kind of hot, even though you scare the shit out of me.”  He looked up at Levi and blinked thickly with those  _ damn _ eyes.

      Levi smirked upon hearing this, feeling his chest swell a little with a satisfied chuckle.  “Hoh?  Damn, you really are tired, saying things like that.  Are coconut head and emo scarf here to walk you home?” He asked, resisting the urge to touch Eren’s round cheeks.  God, the kid was so exhausted he was practically drunk.  Wouldn’t want to take advantage of the situation, but fuck, he was so adorable it should have been illegal.  But still, he’d be lying if he didn’t say it made his heart beat a little faster knowing Eren looked at him like that, at least once or twice. 

      Eren shook his head slowly before folding his arms on the table and laying his head down.  Levi expected him to start snoring any minute.

      So he made a split second decision.  He tended to either be really good or really bad at those, but he decided to go with it.  “You’re too tired to walk by yourself.  You’ll trip and end up getting run over.  I’ll walk you home today.” Levi declared, and just as he saw Eren trying to formulate a half assed excuse, Hange crashed into the room and deciding to get the club rolling.  

      The next hour was enough to make Levi’s skin crawl, and he couldn’t decide if he liked it or not.  Eren sleepily stared at him draw almost the entire time, except for when he dozed off and drooled on the table.  That was gross, even if it was also kind of cute.  But the constant watching made him feel weird.  People didn’t tend to stare at him so long, they were usually scared shitless after a glare or two.  But this kid didn’t seem to care.

      “Why are you staring?” Levi finally asked with his voice void of emotion as concentrated his efforts on his work.

      “I want to see how you draw so well,” Eren said.  Simple as that.   

      Levi didn’t say anything to that, only continued his task without so much as looking upwards.  He didn’t want to distract himself.

      There was always something therapeutic about drawing, there was no denying that.  It was the closest a person could ever come to a god, as far as Levi was concerned.  You were creating something out of nothing but whatever shit whirlwind was inside of your head.  Sometimes, if you were lucky, you could take something fucked up out of your head and pin it down on the page, and that was where it would stay.  It didn’t truly work often, but often enough.  Usually, whatever it was he tried so hard to get rid of slithered back in eventually, though.  So he would always go back to the drawing board, so to speak, trying to find a permanent fix.

      nd then sometimes it was good things.  Things he wanted to remember, to look back on and feel warmth flood his body with a tingling rush.  Those were the best but they were always the hardest to draw, and they were almost always people.  A good thing about people is that you can never tire of drawing someone, you can never perfect it.  They will always continue to surprise you, even as soon as you think you’ve learned their face they will show you something new.  It was beautiful, really.  

      Every once in awhile an idea would be just there, out of reach, and he wouldn’t remember it until he woke up in a cold sweat with the last scene of a dream burned onto his eyelids.  It was incredibly tantalizing even after he drew the afterimage, however, because they didn’t make sense.  It was places and people and things he had never seen before, but they made him ache for something he didn’t recognize anymore.  Into the sketchbook they would go.  He wondered where the trees and wings and monsters came from, but could never explain it past an odd, half forgotten dream.      

* * *

 

      Eventually, the hour ran out and people started to pack up their things.  Levi grabbed not only his jacket but Eren’s as well.  He tossed it to him, but it landed in the teenager’s lap.  His body moved too slow to come close to catching it.

      “Where do you live?” Levi asked, slinging his messenger bag onto his shoulder.  A dull ache had curled itself into the base of his spine and he regretted not taking an extra pain pill with him that day.  There was nothing for it, he supposed.  He still had to walk the brat home.

      “Uh, a little over a mile away, on Heather Parkway.  You really don’t need to go through all this trouble-” Eren gulped.  He looked terribly nervous and it made Levi scowl.

      “I think I can handle a mile, you bastard.  Now come on.” Levi scoffed even as his back throbbed and headed out the door, buttoning up his coat as he walked.  He heard Eren tripping over himself to follow into the crisp breeze.

      “Right, sorry.” 

      “Stop apologizing.”

      “Sorry,” Eren said again, and Levi swore his eyes almost rolled back into his head before he sent a sharp glare at the brat, who was stifling a laugh.  “I mean, okay.”

      The autumn breeze seemed to breathe some life back into Eren, who was happy staring at the colourful leaves swirling on the sidewalk.  The sky was a surprising blue with not a cloud to be seen, but the air was just brisk enough for Levi to walk with his hands in his pockets.  He took a deep breath and released it slowly, trying to capture the feeling of quiet contentment for a rainy day.  

      “You don’t look like shit anymore.  Still, you’re walking all over the sidewalk; be careful.” He ordered and made sure to walk on the section of sidewalk closest to the road.  It was an old habit that refused to fade.  He tended to be protective of things that he thought of as his, and he grudgingly supposed that now included Eren, even if the boy never knew it.  

      “The fall air is nice, I think it woke me up a little bit.” Eren smiled at the leaves underfoot while he spoke.  “I really love the colours of the trees, it looks like someone went out and painted all their leaves.”

      Levi examined the leaves as well.  “But the leaves are dying.  That’s why they change colour.  Soon enough they’ll all be dried up and brown, and the trees will be bare.” He pointed out as he walked along the sidewalk.  He had always found autumn morbidly amusing like that.

      Eren was surprised, but instead of abandoning his point, only paused to gather his thoughts.  “That’s true, but even when they die, the trees still live through the winter.  They keep growing, and new leaves come with the spring.  And that’s something beautiful to watch too, I think.” He rambled, staring at the ground and kicking a leaf or two out of his path like a shy child.

      “You’re right, I guess,” Levi said with a ghost of a smile.  It was a nice perspective.  “Eh, what am I saying.  They’re just big ass trees.” He shook his head at how seriously they were taking themselves; they were acting like they were in some after school special.  “Maybe I’ll draw them sometime.”

      “You should.  Your art is amazing.” Eren blurted out suddenly. 

      Levi paused to raise his eyebrows.  He could have sworn the brat hadn’t really seen that much of his art, but perhaps it had been enough to make an impression.  

      “I mean, I’ve only seen what you drew in art club today, but all of that was really good, and…” Eren rambled on without making eye contact.

      “And what?” Levi pressed him for an answer, leaking a little bit of venom into his tone.  Something didn’t seem right.

      Eren felt it too and met him with silence.  He couldn’t look him in the eyes and kept fidgeting with his fingers.

      Levi stopped walking.  “You looked in the sketchbook, didn’t you?” He felt all feelings of contentment and grudging affection slowly freeze over like a lake in winter.

      “Yes,” Eren whispered, his voice dripping with guilt.  “I’m sorry, I was wondering if the drawings of me might be in there and-”

      Levi whirled on his heel to stare Eren down, his jacket catching the wind.  “Nosy fucking brat.”  He snarled at him.  What right did this spoiled brat have to look through his things, to casually thumb his way through Levi’s most vulnerable thoughts?  He could barely control the icy fury that coursed through his veins and managed to spit out more malicious things at the boy in front of him who seemed to be growing smaller and smaller with every breath.  “Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to look through people’s things?  Or are you just a pathetic excuse for a son?”

      Eren’s face changed and he brought himself up to his full height, at least a head taller than Levi.  He balled his fists, and something dangerous sparked in his eyes.  “My mother taught me to never speak out of my ass and bring someone’s family down.” Eren snapped.  His eyes were overflowing with furious tears.  “She taught me to apologize when I fucked up, and to accept a goddamn apology when I got one.  I was lucky to know her, you bastard!”   _ Was,  _ past tense.  Shit.

      Levi’s expression didn't change, but he felt  his mind shut down all of his emotions, even the ones that cried out for him to tear a strip off the brat and the ones that told him to apologize.  He knew he had crossed some kind of line, but then again so did Eren.  His head had started to pound in rhythm with his spine, and he turned his back to the boy.  He couldn’t do this today.  He didn’t have it in him, one way or another.  He started the trek home, one foot in front of the other.

      “Where are you going?”

      “You can walk by yourself from here.” 


End file.
